Hot as Hell and nothing to report

Temperature hit 30°C over here in Vantaa, so on Mrs. Hatboy’s advice I decided to leave the lawn mowing until after 18:00.

I also slept in until 10:30 and had a weird beef noodle thing for breakfast.


Well … nudel.

That’s all I’ve got. On with the gaming.

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Today I’ve mostly…

…been working. Obviously.

The majority of my colleagues are taking off on their summer holidays next week, leaving just me and two other people in the office for a quiet July. We had champagne and snacks to celebrate the good fortune of the holidayers (and probably cheer up those of us staying behind). But I don’t mind. Snacks are snacks, and I’ve had my holiday.

I got a couple of tweets sent off during my coffee breaks too. My lazy marketing, and my ongoing “Trump In Vantaa: A True Trump Story” live tweet thread, are coming along nicely.

It’s a nice way to air grievances about all sorts of things, now I’m really getting into it. I guess this is what Twitter is for.

Can’t wait for our guest of honour to finally arrive.

– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while sitting in carpark after work.

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I was amused to hear this little anecdote from the Jimmy Kimmel show yesterday, about another of the current baffling US President’s strange rallies:

Now of course, to the outside observer it seems pretty obvious that neither of these stories are true. But to the observer with a keen philosophical and social-anthropological sense of truth versus fact, they’re both true.

And there’s more to come.

I live in Finland. In fact, I live in a city called Vantaa, which is part of the wider tri-city metropolitan area of Finland, which in turn includes the capital (the new capital, if you ask anyone whose surname ends in ius) of Helsinki. Vantaa gets a bad rap as being a bit grubby, a bit immigrant-heavy, a bit alcohol-related-crime-riddled. As a heavy immigrant with a bar in his garage, I couldn’t comment.

It may come as a surprise to my readers, then, when I tell you this news. It certainly came as a surprise to me, I can tell you.

As you may have heard, the US President Donald “Sixteen Piece Bucket” Trump and Russian President Vladimir “I’m Too Afraid Of Him To Make Up A Tagline” Putin will be meeting in Helsinki on Monday the 16th of July for a private additional summit where, it can only be assumed, Donald will receive his final instructions for Phase Two.

As you may not have heard, however, Donald is not staying in either of Helsinki’s fancy hotels. No – for reasons of security and unpredictability, and possibly because of a covfefe-style series of garbled instructions from the Commander in Tweet, he will be staying in Vantaa. In our spare room. In our garage bar, Bar Äijä’s.


So I’ve had to clean and mop the place for the second time this year. The Secret Service are already here getting everything set up and running through their checklist, making sure their security requirements are met. I think it’s going well, but it’s hard to tell behind the sunglasses, you know?

Anyway, now that I’ve cleared it with them and received a resounding “we don’t even try to control the social media side of it anymore,” the following week will be dedicated to a series of live tweets of my real and true experiences with our foreign guest. So stay tuned for that.

Thread officially starts here, after reiterating the blog post:


– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while sitting in the carpark after work.

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Discarded Blog Ideas (#3)

(Fuck, I did it again. Apparently posting in the carpark doesn’t work. Oh well, at least I had this all drafted.)

Not every blog post can be a winner. Here’s another special behind-the-scenes look at some of the off-cuts and rejects from the Hatstand’s Editorial Department.

Why Are You Like This?: A plaintive call to arms for the human race, written from the perspective of a twelve-thousand-acre landfill.

10 Reasons Why The Only List Videos I Ever Make Are Smarmy And Self-Referential: A list video.

Incels: Masculinity’s Blooper Reel: An in-depth look at the psychology and behaviours of men who literally self-identify as unmotivated rapists. On hold pending the invention of appropriate nausea medication.

I’m Not Thinking, I’m Just Waiting To See What Happens Next: The memoirs of a man suffering from Resting Philosophy Major Face (RPMF).

I’m Not Going To Make A Pie, I’m Just Bored: The memoirs of a man suffering from Resting Filo Pastry Chef Face (RFPCF).

Fuck Off: The memoirs of a man suffering from Face (F).

Semicolon, Lowercase p: An exhaustive list of emoticons and emojis that could be search-and-replaced with a simple blank space across the entire length and breadth of human communication and correspondence, and not actually change the tone or content of a single message.

Why Have They Made Live Action / CGI Reboots of Winnie The Pooh And Dumbo, But Nobody Seems To Be Working On A Dino-Riders Movie, I’d Like To Know?: A 3,000-word rant that was already summarised pretty well by the blog title.

So You Think You’re A Playa: A series of photographs of weed-choked ponds, dried-up puddles, drainage ditches and unrelated depressions in the ground, with derisive and sassy captions centred around their failure according to a number of different criteria to actually qualify as playas, alkali flats or sabkha.

For The Record: A Pre-Emptive Distancing: A comprehensive list of actors, directors, authors and other artists who seem more or less okay right now but will probably turn out to have done something awful a long time ago or even to be still doing the awful thing right now while everyone in their social circle turns a blind eye. On hold indefinitely, in favour of a series of generalised Wikipedia disambiguation pages divided by creative category.

What If There’d Been One Of Them?: A series of brief descriptive texts outlining how the mythical Christian Nativity would have played out if there had been one additional animal (contemporary, extinct, or imaginary) or character (real or fictional).

Right In The Feels: A list of modern-day Internet catchphrases, described for the benefit of a time traveller from the 19th Century.

Okay, I Can See There’s A Bit More To Unpack Here: A more in-depth explanation of modern-day Internet and popular culture for the benefit of a confused and troubled time traveller from the 19th Century.

Yeah Look That Wasn’t Me, Okay? And Anyway Didn’t You Guys Think Lobotomies Were A Good Idea?: A wider and more general perspective on international cultural and political trends for the benefit of an increasingly outraged and annoyingly lofty and condescending time traveller from the 19th Century.

The Dubious Adventures of Gabalan “Gabbles” Grundo: An open-ended series of short adventure stories about a talking left shoe and its search for its missing pair. A long build-up to a “Mister Right” joke that really didn’t need to be told. Existing character development arc shows Gabbles going from hero to fallen hero in part 1, fallen hero to antihero in part 2, and antihero to just kind of a cunt in part 3. Part 4 on hold.

– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while on the bus.

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Well heck, here I am again then

(Crap, I actually drafted this yesterday afternoon after work, then forgot to publish it. So, I’m quick-posting it now while breakfast coffee brews and computer warms up)

Hey there. What’s been happening? I’ve had a madly relaxing four weeks of summer holiday even though I foolishly got up early this morning to do some writing, so at this particular moment I’m already feeling tired.

Back at work, munching away at my mountain of e-mails, and slowly getting back into it. Not a whole lot to report.

Holiday was great. Squandered it absolutely shamelessly playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Holy shit what an amazing game. Well worth the 10+ years of waiting since that time I borrowed my cousin-in-law’s Gamecube and got addicted to Zelda: The Windwaker and Zelda: The Ocarina of Time.

Yes, I played and played and played and then played some more. And then I took a break and tried in vain not to interfere too much while Wump played. She’s actually doing amazingly well with it!

I’m super impressed by the whole game, there just seems like no end of things to explore and do in there – like Wump says, it’s going to take us years and years to get it all done. Although … well, okay, I did actually already beat it the other day, but it was sort of an accident. Long story short, there’s four sub-quests you should complete before making a run at the Big Bad, and I’d done three of them. I was just tooling around, levelling up and collecting items, and Wump wanted me to go and check out the big scary castle in the middle. I went in there, and one thing led to another and then before I knew it I was in a fight with Ganon and the system wouldn’t let me teleport out, so I had to finish the fight or admit defeat and go back to an earlier save point. And no way was I doing that with my firstborn watching.

So yeah, now all that remains is finishing it properly, with all the gear and quests and stuff actually completed. The open-world quality of the game, though, as evidenced by the fact that I could muddle my way into the final Big Bad … it’s just brilliant. Very little railroading, and what railroading there is, is pretty subtle.

As I complained a little in my mini-review, I would still definitely change the tips screen so it doesn’t load the same frustrating pointless tip every time you die in a fight. But that’s a minor thing, and it’s not like the tip is wrong. You do get better if you leave a fight and go away and prepare your gear and tactics and food situation. And that’s really my only complaint. It’s basically a perfect game. And the Nintendo Switch (Nintendo Account issues notwithstanding) seems to be a really good console. Even the portable part is very usable.

Yeah, I had a few issues with the Nintendo Account before I was able to grab screencaps and share them. Apparently only one profile can be linked there – but all the caps are communal from the console so you can still share them. Anyway, here are a few highlights:


I was dubious about sneaking up on and then taming wild horses at the start, although it is basically all Wump wants to do in this game. Still, once I got the right stealth gear and decent stamina, it got more fun. Horse riding, like in Wind Waker, is still largely pointless to me … but one of the quests required me to tame and ride this “Giant Horse”. So I did. Wump, having seen me naming my horses things like “Mr. Ed” and “Meh”, told me to name this one in a non-silly way[1] – she suggested “Star”. I went with “Red Dwarf”, for the sheer number of levels.

[1] And keeping in mind, she named her first horse “Bollocks”.


The cooking and crafting in this game is also off the scale. My first few attempts resulted in dubious food, which you can live on (as the old quote goes), but tastes like shit.


“Give me a recipe for decent food, you enigmatic old fuck!”


Another of my horse-sneaking and -taming triumphs, the Lord of the Mountain is an ethereal steed who you cannot, unfortunately, register to a stable and then call upon whenever you please. Which is a shame because he’s bloody incredible.


This picture shows how the Switch allows you to meme-text your screencaps, as well as the fact that Link acquires a Mexican wrestler’s outfit halfway through the game (it has a glow in the dark skeleton printed on it, but you can only see it at night). And that you get to not only build a town and populate it with characters from all over Hyrule, you also get invited along when two of them get married (which is only fair, since you introduced them and also brought the priest in from halfway across the damned continent).

So that’s it for my Monday. I’m not sure if I’ll be making daily posts at this point or just focussing on other stuff … but let’s see what shakes loose.

– Written on my Huawei mobile phone while sitting in the office carpark after work.

– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while getting coffee.

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1800 posts, 1000 tweets, and signing off for the summer

As promised, I’m going to take a bit of a break for the next four weeks. I’ll blog up anything that strikes me as super important or inspiring (can’t promise my work on incels, Batman, or Boonie the weasel’s back-story will feature, but who knows?), but in the meantime I’m gonna be busy doing nothin’. Also, hopefully, writing Greyblade at last.

In the meantime, this is my 1,800th blog post, and I’m going to go out in style with a celebratory tweetstorm I was rather proud of in celebration of 1,000 (and then some) Edpool tweets.

Gaaaaahh complete with typo…

Never say I don’t give and give to you people.

Have a great midsummer, northern hemisphere. Hang in there, southern hemisphere. Wipe that smarmy smirk off your face, flat-Earthers.


– posted from my Huawei mobile  phone while in carpark; tweets composed during coffee and lunch breaks.

Posted in Astro Tramp 400, Edpool, Hatboy's Nuggets of Crispy-Fried Wisdom, IACM, Kussa mun hopoti?, Office Posts, Random, Oræl Rides To War | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The First Feast: A Retrospective

I’m winding down to my summer hiatus and am going to be busy at work and getting my parents settled in Bar Äijä’s for the next couple of days, so here’s a quick retrospective on the second-to-last Bar Äijä’s bash: The Potluck Feast, The First Feast book release party.

It happened fairly prematurely since the book is only just finished and ready to read, but it was nevertheless a fun little party.


We even held a pub quiz, as is traditional. As I mentioned in a previous post, Mrs. Hatboy and I made an amazing little Tabo Norid as a prize. I also included a freeform artwork section this time around, because I was tired of trying to do maths while heinously drunk. For the record, I’m never going to try to do join-the-matched-pairs again, because there were just too many smartarse answers and figuring out which ones were right and wrong was just impossible.

Anyway, here’s some art.


Some of it, like this wrong-on-every-level version of the Astro Tramp 400 by someone who marked their quiz with a V (possibly cousin-in-law Wille), was just abysmal. Although the “kirkkovene” motif did sort of look like the Tramp and was repeated in several other submissions.


The drawing of Contro, complete with daffy look and warm cardigan, by my esteemed friend and official Bar Äijä’s minstrel Ilja Jalkanen, was excellent. Of course I think Contro is a bit rounder of head than this, but it’s very good.


The Pas drew a picture of Janus “Whey”, complete with nuclear explosions, double-middle-finger, flying / ejaculating penises and a failed swastika with the words “Hale Hortler”, because The Pas.


But the runaway winner of this part of the quiz was my good pal Mikko, who knocked it out of the park with a glorious Rakmanmorion, Conqueror of Space. And an adorabubble aki’Drednanth pup. Slightly overdeveloped tusks but she might be a little older here.

posted from my Huawei mobile phone while sitting in car at home in carport before leaving for work.

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