The Seven Creepies in: The Christmas Crossover Caper | Part 1

“Hatboy! Hatboy, wake up!”

I groaned and glared blearily at my alarm clock. It was quarter past eight, but that didn’t mean anything. My alarm clock, along with every clock in my room, had stopped at quarter past eight – the moment the Dalí Warhead had gone off in my cupboard. One of the potplant cactuses on my windowsill had also stopped at quarter past eight. It was a weird bomb.


I groaned again, half-sat, and checked the quantum entangled sundial I’d picked up from the Intergalactic Wormhole Nexus gift shop. I flopped back. Of course, that said quarter past eight as well. I grumbled and pulled the covers up over my head.

“Hatboy, wake up! It’s a miracle!”

I bolted upright, jammed my hat on and lurched out of the door.

“What kind of miracle?” I demanded. “Religious? Statistical? Technological? Meta?” I paused. “Tubular?”

“No, the Surfer Bandits vanished when the ocean did, you know that,” Creepy said, shuddering and averting his eyes. “Put on some pants and come downstairs.”

I looked down. “I’m wearing pants.”

“Put on better ones,” he advised, and bounced away like an angular green Tigger in a coke hat. “We have a visitor.”

I looked down at my pants again, then shook my head and followed him.

“Anything you want to warn me about with this miracle visitor?” I asked him. “Because you seem way more excited than wary, and that’s weird for uninvited-”

I stepped into the kitchen.

Creepy spun around from the open fridge, brandishing a coke bottle and beaming widely. He looked strangely different to how he’d looked a few seconds ago. Dustier, more weatherbeaten. His sunglasses were battered and scratched up, which I was sure they hadn’t been when he’d come to my door. And he was suddenly wearing a weird raggedy black robe over the top of his Mambo shirt.

“It’s been a long time since I had coke,” he said with relish, then – despite the fact that he was looking right at me – seemed to realise he wasn’t alone in the room. He scowled at me. “Oh. You’re here too then.”

“I … guess?” I said. “What are you talking about?”

“Honestly, Chuck, it’s been a while for you too,” he said, and tilted the bottle towards me. “Pour you a glass? For old times’ sake?”

I opened my mouth to demand answers of the universe in general – not out of any expectation of a result, but just because it was my only recourse – when Creepy closed the fridge to reveal Creepy grinning behind the door.

“Ah, Hatboy, I see you’ve met Mister C of 9,” he said happily.

I looked back and forth between the two Creepies – or the Creepy and the Mister C of 9, apparently – with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

It seemed like it came earlier and earlier every year.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy.
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11 Responses to The Seven Creepies in: The Christmas Crossover Caper | Part 1

  1. Damon Holston says:

    You’re weird.

  2. Damon says:

    I didn’t say I didn’t like it or anything of that nature. Can you explain it to me Toom? Does it make any sense to you? I will let it play out and see if it works itself out on future episodes…

    • stchucky says:

      Hee, well … this has been a long-brewing story that definitely connects back to other stories on the blog (Creepy and Hatboy in particular) and my “tradition” of writing Christmas Specials that have some twist or gimmick or mind-blower affixed as a gift.

      In this case, I’m looking back at several stories to find all the characters that were based on a friend of mine: the titular, nay seminal, Creepy. Stay tuned!

      Side note: Gumby on bath salts may also technically be based on Creepy, since he is stretchy and green and horrifyingly violent. But in this case he’s just a side-joke.

    • Toon says:

      I can’t explain anything Hatboy does, he’s a law unto himself.
      Having recently jumped in the deep end and read Panda Egg without reading anything else of his before, if I don’t get what is going on, I just enjoy the writing and the plot and the characters and know that it will all make sense at some point when I catch up, I don’t need to know about the background or context or world building, I just let that stuff go and enjoy the literary ride. I’m comfortable it will all unfold in time. You seem to be totally across his world building and all the characters in a way that is far far more knowledgeable than me, so we probably have completely different experiences reading Hatboy’s work. Which I think is kind of cool, actually. His writing probably appeals in very different ways to each of us, but still really appeals…like you I do love Crom though, he sticks in the mind for a long time…

  3. Pingback: The Last Days of Earth … the bell tolls | Hatboy's Hatstand

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