Where I’m At, January 2nd 2020 AD

Well, it’s 2020. The early ’00s, let alone the ’90s, finally feel like they were a long-arse time ago. That’s about the only difference I’ve been able to spot so far.

Oh, and I think whatever’s going on with my moods is coming to a middle. Yesterday I used up every last scrap of my will to live by about midday, and just went back to bed until about four. Sat listlessly with nothing much on my user interface (but a whole parade of CPU-eating shit going on in my Task Manager Processes tab) for a few more hours. Watched Frozen with Toop. Played Minecraft. Then went back to bed again and blacked out until this morning.

Usually writing helps, and Mrs. Hatboy is constantly and heroically helpful and supportive in this, but usually by the time she realises she needs to excuse me from reality, it’s too late and reality has done its kicking. Plus, paradoxically and shittily, I feel like I’m abandoning her and the girls. Like my continuing blank and miserable short-tempered presence is doing anything to enrich their day. But still, between the exhaustion and the feeling of guilt, I lose the desire to write too. So there’s no way out, which is why I collapsed yesterday.

Starting to feel a bit more normal now (venting helps), but still very much not in the mood for any of this shit.

But not much alternative, really.

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17 Responses to Where I’m At, January 2nd 2020 AD

  1. aaronthepatriot says:

    I wish I could help in any way. This has not typically happened to me, but lately I’ve had at least 3 days of the same. Completely losing the will to do anything, crawling back upstairs into bed and curling into a ball, intense feelings of grief over how my family has been acting.

    Somehow, the arbitrary switch into the year AFTER my father died from the year IN WHICH he died has flipped a bit of a switch. Also, just not engaging with them anymore in any of their bullshit, and telling myself they don’t matter and can’t do shit, helps.

    But then I remember we’re all alone here, the four of us (and four cats). I thought when my dad died we’d get closer. But it was the opposite as they all play for favor with mom.

    • stchucky says:

      That really sucks. It’s hard to know what the best thing to do is, there’s just a variety of shitty options (and that is the sort of deadlock, I think, that just leaves you with the only real alternative of going into hibernation until shit improves).

      I want to say sitting back, getting what rest you can, and letting them stew in their own mess is the best approach, but chances are sooner or later you’ll be pulled back into it – only it will be too late for anyone then. Or they’ll reach some sort of equilibrium with you on the outside, and split whatever favour is left between them. I have no idea, and I’m sorry. Just have to wait and hope.

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        Right. Well, there are some solutions that are sort of working, I’ll tell you more about that when I resume our usual email chains.

        But what about you? You didn’t talk about any causes in this blog post, so I don’t want to get in to that. But I’m worried about you too, bro! Is it general depression for you, not necessarily situational? Or if you don’t want to get into it, I understand.

      • stchucky says:

        Doing much better now, thanks. I think I really just did need to vegetate for a day or two. Don’t know about causes, just general stress and some unhappy events around new year’s. To be continued.

        I think, as I have been philosophising about it lately, that lack of control is a huge part of it. Everything in my life, from the positive to the negative and all the vital stuff in between, controls me to the point of complete predetermination. Going “fuck it” and going to bed was the only way I could demonstrate that I exist and have free will. Illusory or otherwise … since I had no alternative but to shut down, was it really free will at all?

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        Yeah, you know, I think mine can be traced to much the same…a lack of control. If others could fucking control themselves, that would help. I can think of several people who probably never curl up into a ball in bed who really should.

        Sorry to turn your blog into a rant, but goddamnit I just saw some news (though generally avoiding it). Could “America”‘s fucking idiotic, illegitimate, impeached president not fucking start World War III before we can drag him out of office? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Assassinating a top Iranian general…you know, I don’t usually wish for retaliation for our actions overseas but I’m hoping for it now, at least part of me is. Whoever’s fucking idea that was, and that’s the problem. Half of our goddamn stupid politicians think war with Iran will be just peachy! Or at least they pretend to think that, and Dump’s dumb enough to think they mean it. Never mind war at all. And oh, I thought we didn’t fucking DO political assassinations anymore, what the fuck about that?

        Every fucking time we put a Republican in charge, it’s “oh let’s see how many fucking wars I can start!” No Republican should EVER hold office again in America. EVER. And it’s not like the Democrats are better. Many of them are fine with all this murder of “others”, too!

        Remove him from office. Somebody. Anybody. Anyhow. I don’t care at this point. I. Want. Him. Out.

        Before half the world dies, maybe?

        Sorry to write this in a blog entry about depression, but it is on topic I’d say.

        OK rant over. Buying some groceries now. Maybe I should stock up.

      • stchucky says:

        Just heard about this too, seems like a great distraction for a beleaguered old wannabe strongman. Not sure what brought it on, something about an embassy attack. Have to wait and see.

  2. aaronthepatriot says:

    The switch flipped a switch. LOL.

  3. dreameling says:

    I know we’ve had this discussion before, and I know I’m not saying anything new here. But. Given that you do dip into these darker moods with some frequency, I sincerely recommend that you at least go have a quick chat with a therapist or psychiatrist (get a referral from your työterveyslääkäri) and just touch base on whether there’s anything clinical to potentially worry about. It will only cost you maybe an hour of your time, and it need not be more than just the one vitsit. (If your työterveyshuolto doesn’t cover specialists, then just take that referral to kunnallinen.)

    And even if there’s nothing clinical going on with you, having a chat with a therapist or similar mental health professional is only good for you once in a while. (Well, depends a bit on how good a professional you get, but still.)

    Anyhoo, good that you’re feeling better. We even get a 3-day weekend!

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