The Lie of the World, Part 3

Forsaken_1 winced as the sound of the Great Modem rang in his ears. He was plunged into darkness.

“Here we go,” he said. “Adventure, excitement, movie stars, slave girls … what’s this I’m wearing? It’s a dress!”

“Who are you? You sound American! Are you from the competition too, or do all the other people around here speak American? Why am I chained down on a table? It’s dark! Turn on some lights, honestly.”

Forsaken_1 had a sudden, terrible sense of foreboding.

“Contro?” he asked.

“So you do know me! Yay!! Who are you?”

“I’m Forsaken_1, but I wasn’t meant to be teamed up with you! I was arranged to get together in a Merchant wagon team with Debs, and we were going to settle down and…” he trailed off. “Did you say you were chained to a table?”

Slowly, his vision seeped back. There wasn’t much to see, because it was almost pitch dark in the dank cell. What little light there was, seemed to be glimmering directly out of Forsaken_1’s snowy white robes.

He looked down.

“I’m wearing a dress. I knew it! What is this shit?”

“Wait a minute,” Contro said from the table, to which he was indeed chained by wrists and ankles. “It’s a robe, like a priest wears. And you’ve got a golden sun on the front there, with a red … um, a red question mark. I think you’re one of those guys who wanders around looking for things and searching for stuff. An Ogier.”

Forsaken_1 felt his ears. “No, I’m not an Ogier,” he reported with relief. “I think I’m an Inquisitor, you know – the Children of the Light.”

“Maybe that was what I meant,” Contro laughed out loud. It was way more annoying in real life. “Ha ha ha!”

“Who is in there?” a sharp voice came from the other side of the studded iron door.

“It is I, ah, the Questioner,” Forsaken_1 replied shakily.

“And I, Contro! Ha ha ha!!!”

There was a click, and the door swung open. A man in a white robe stepped inside and stared at the two.

“This cell was empty when I came on my morning rounds,” he said. “Identify yourself.”

“I told you. I am the Questioner.”

“Do you have a name?”

“Yes he does! It’s For- ow! Ha ha ha!!”

“For…? For what?”

In a rare flash of insight, Forsaken_1 realised how stupid it would be to tell this man his real name. “Okay, alright, my name is Foreskin, as this little fool was trying to tell you. But it’s a name I don’t much care for, so I call myself Questioner. And you would do well to do the same, young man,” he went on, fixing the Child with what he hoped was a steely gaze. “Unless you want to end up here yourself.”

“Under the Light, I meant no offence, Lord Questioner,” the soldier said hastily. “I was not informed that you would be conducting an inquisition here and now. Who is this? A Tinker?”

Forsaken_1 looked again at Contro. He was indeed wearing bright, clashing clothes of every imaginable colour. “What? Oh, him. Yes, he is. I don’t know what he is doing here. It is my job to find out,” he was quite proud of that piece of reasoning – but it wasn’t enough for the soldier, who frowned.

Contro chose that moment to speak up. “Am I a Tinker? If I’m a Tinker, where’s my spears? And what am I doing here anyway?”

“Tinkers don’t use spears,” Forsaken_1 growled. “You’re thinking of Aiel.”

“Aren’t they the same thing? I seem to recall they started out as the same, didn’t they? Ha ha ha! Or am I thinking of something else?”

“Perhaps we should call this one Questioner,” the Child of the Light said dryly.

“Perhaps I should call yo momma and ask her if Greenpeace have gotten her back in the water yet,” Forsaken_1 muttered.


“Nothing. Leave us. I will question this Tinker, as is my duty. Under the, um, Light.”

“Very well, Lord Questioner,” the Child bowed formally and withdrew. Forsaken_1 stood indecisive next to the torture table. Contro smiled guilelessly.

“Fuck,” Forsaken_1 said.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy.
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7 Responses to The Lie of the World, Part 3

  1. Hey so I forget/never knew…how many parts did you write? Because I’m thinking that one per day is going to take over your blog for, oh, like the better part of a year? These are pretty short and lighter reading than your current writing. You should consider posting multiple ones per day!

    • stchucky says:

      Some are longer than others, containing longer segments and multiple segments per part. I divided it pretty randomly by copy-paste but it just so happens that there are 19 parts in The Lie of the World. So that’s only a couple more weeks.

      Then there are more Steal volumes – I got halfway through Winter’s Heart apparently. At 2-3 weeks (19 parts) per book, it won’t take long. But it will dominate the blog for a while, yes.

      But that was intentional. I’m giving myself time to breathe, as well as write my main stuff (which I will intersperse as needed). I know, again, that I don’t need to do a post per day but that’s going to be easy enough with this story.

      And I don’t know what else is going to come up to derail the Wheel of Time hype train, but I figured I might as well get the parody out there. They’re not starting filming until September from what I’ve heard?

      • I hear you and I definitely like the idea of you getting a break. I was just thinking that perhaps the maths hadn’t been fully calculated. So you got partway through book 9, so let’s say 10 parts there. 19 parts for each other book x 8 books gives 152 days. So 162 days total…that’s almost half a year.

        All I am saying is that is half a year. I am not implying anything else, just making sure that is clearly stated. XD

        I had assumed you were putting the whole Steal up, obviously.

      • stchucky says:

        I have a feeling it won’t take that long. For a start, each Steal book got dramatically shorter after about the 4th, because less and less happened in the Wheel books. And even less happened that I could parody because I’d already diverged so much.

        So unless I make those 19 parts very short, there won’t be 19.

        But who knows? Maybe there will. Maybe I’ll take more breaks, or write other blog posts in between. Maybe it’ll be nothing but Steal until Christmas or beyond. Maybe I’ll finish the Steal at last, with all-new parts, and it will be revealed to be 2019’s Creepy and Hatboy Christmas Special. Maybe I’ll have a complete nervous breakdown and be sent to a farm somewhere to run around chasing rabbits.

        It’s going to be exciting to see which future actually occurs!

      • Yup! You know I’ll love any of these options, well maybe aside from the nervous breakdown (MAYBE…will you still write, only it’ll be completely insane at that point? Hmm…..) option. I meant what I wrote before, I was just pointing it out.

        Although I have to admit I’m leaning heavily on the “finish the Steal” option. No pressure! And just in case you do, I have a brilliant reveal you could make. Ever notice how similar “Artur Hawkwing” is to “Aaron Sanders”? Close, amirite? Just sayin’.


      • stchucky says:


        I’m kind of liking the idea too, now.

  2. aaronthepatriot says:

    Maybe “stood indecisively” would be better, near the end? Feels like an adverb location in that sentence.

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