Day 64. 29 pages, 8,968 words.
I went to see this with Mr. dreameling, Mr. Fahrenheit and The Pas a few days ago. I also ate a crocodile hamburger, which was tasty but unrelated to the movie.
Well, what can I say? The original movie is a classic, of course, and I’ve re-watched it many many times. It’s probably going to be at once shockingly sacrilegious and utterly unsurprising, however, to learn that I preferred Predator II. There was just enough background to it, just enough spaceship and mist and trophy cabinet with xenomorph skull and different viewer options on the helmet and extra Predators and a gun from the 18th Century … there was just enough of all that, and I loved it. Because of course I did.
I mean come on, that shit’s just so cool. No, don’t add more, don’t explain it, just let me daydream about what happened with Greyback and the pirate guy (no, I read about that on Xenopedia and it sounds silly). It’s cool. You don’t even need to make a movie with the xenomorphs and the Predators fighting together, although it would be fun to see. Okay, you can do that – just one though!
Well anyway, Predator II. That was the best one. Danny Glover said he was too old for this shit but wasn’t yet actually too old for this shit. And it was great.
And the ship was amazing. That domed ceiling in the middle, it was beautiful. Why did the Predator spaceship in this latest movie look like a shiny metal spaceship with buttons and holograms? I hated it.
Yeah, I suppose I should talk about the new movie.
This is basically a summary of the movie, except these are Gary Buseys and it’s meant to be Jake Buseys. This was inordinately funny to me at 01:00am. If you’ve spent three minutes looking at this and wondering what the fuck is happening and where the Gary Buseys are all going, you have an idea of what it was like watching The Predator.
It was … ehh, fine I guess? Had lots of cool action and violence and some fun lines from the rag-tag team of military veteran mental patients? Olivia Munn was pretty badass? The Super Predator’s hunting dogs were neat? The Super Predator itself was…
Gah I can’t do it. All those things were fun but every single one of them was screwed up by over-use. Every element of the movie had to carry too much weight, do too many things. Because the movie itself tried to do too many things.
See, if it had just been a Predator crash-landing, getting nearly-autopsied by the Area 51 guys, then getting loose and killing the shit out of everyone, eventually being taken down by the army dude and the biologist lady, that would have been great. The Predator-dogs could have been in the ship and they got out when the Area 51 guys came to take the ship apart. Naturally it would have been a Predator II-style ship and the Area 51 guys would have been dragged screaming into the waist-deep mist by the barely-seen dreadlocks-having dogs.
It could have ruled. They could even have fitted in a message about climate change making the Predators hunt on Earth more and more frequently.
Everything else was too much. The evolution-hybrid plan was fucking stupid, nobody wants spinal fluid from alien species, no matter how autistic the aliens in question are. The autistic kid who has a photographic memory and goes AAAAA and covers his ears when people yell is just a super-tired Hollywood trope. The Super Predator was fun to see but so extra. And the less said about the “good” Predator and its “gift” to help the humans … survive climate change or at least chase away the Predators who were terraforming (or yautjaforming, I guess?) the place, the better. In fact I have said too much already.
Only one good thing can come of this. We now have three big franchise-like intellectual properties – Independence Day, Pacific Rim, and Predator – that all ended their reboots on a “now it’s time to take the fight to them” note.
All three of these stories need to be brought together. If you’re going to go extra, go all the way extra. Don’t go lame Hollywood autistic when you can go full retard.
You don’t need half the stuff The Predator had in it – what you need is a ton of kaiju, some giant robots, some planetoid-sized motherships full of interstellar telepathic locusts, and a couple of heavily-armed rasta-headed serial killers with faces like a terminal vaginaphobic’s sketchbook. And then, finally, we can get to the bottom of just why all these species are so damned interested in Earth.
I’ll give you a clue: the Independence Daliens were trying to bore a hole into the Earth’s core; the kaiju Precursors were trying to detonate Mount Fuji to set off the Ring of Fire volcanoes; and the Predators love the heat and may or may not have been drawn to Earth because of its rising temperature and technology levels. Come on, it takes a special kind of soulless Hollywood shit-for-brains to fuck this up.
– Posted at … now it’s 01:30am and I’m going to bed.