I was amused to hear this little anecdote from the Jimmy Kimmel show yesterday, about another of the current baffling US President’s strange rallies:

Now of course, to the outside observer it seems pretty obvious that neither of these stories are true. But to the observer with a keen philosophical and social-anthropological sense of truth versus fact, they’re both true.

And there’s more to come.

I live in Finland. In fact, I live in a city called Vantaa, which is part of the wider tri-city metropolitan area of Finland, which in turn includes the capital (the new capital, if you ask anyone whose surname ends in ius) of Helsinki. Vantaa gets a bad rap as being a bit grubby, a bit immigrant-heavy, a bit alcohol-related-crime-riddled. As a heavy immigrant with a bar in his garage, I couldn’t comment.

It may come as a surprise to my readers, then, when I tell you this news. It certainly came as a surprise to me, I can tell you.

As you may have heard, the US President Donald “Sixteen Piece Bucket” Trump and Russian President Vladimir “I’m Too Afraid Of Him To Make Up A Tagline” Putin will be meeting in Helsinki on Monday the 16th of July for a private additional summit where, it can only be assumed, Donald will receive his final instructions for Phase Two.

As you may not have heard, however, Donald is not staying in either of Helsinki’s fancy hotels. No – for reasons of security and unpredictability, and possibly because of a covfefe-style series of garbled instructions from the Commander in Tweet, he will be staying in Vantaa. In our spare room. In our garage bar, Bar Äijä’s.

So I’ve had to clean and mop the place for the second time this year. The Secret Service are already here getting everything set up and running through their checklist, making sure their security requirements are met. I think it’s going well, but it’s hard to tell behind the sunglasses, you know?

Anyway, now that I’ve cleared it with them and received a resounding “we don’t even try to control the social media side of it anymore,” the following week will be dedicated to a series of live tweets of my real and true experiences with our foreign guest. So stay tuned for that.

Thread officially starts here, after reiterating the blog post:

– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while sitting in the carpark after work.