(Fuck, I did it again. Apparently posting in the carpark doesn’t work. Oh well, at least I had this all drafted.)
Not every blog post can be a winner. Here’s another special behind-the-scenes look at some of the off-cuts and rejects from the Hatstand’s Editorial Department.
Why Are You Like This?: A plaintive call to arms for the human race, written from the perspective of a twelve-thousand-acre landfill.
10 Reasons Why The Only List Videos I Ever Make Are Smarmy And Self-Referential: A list video.
Incels: Masculinity’s Blooper Reel: An in-depth look at the psychology and behaviours of men who literally self-identify as unmotivated rapists. On hold pending the invention of appropriate nausea medication.
I’m Not Thinking, I’m Just Waiting To See What Happens Next: The memoirs of a man suffering from Resting Philosophy Major Face (RPMF).
I’m Not Going To Make A Pie, I’m Just Bored: The memoirs of a man suffering from Resting Filo Pastry Chef Face (RFPCF).
Fuck Off: The memoirs of a man suffering from Face (F).
Semicolon, Lowercase p: An exhaustive list of emoticons and emojis that could be search-and-replaced with a simple blank space across the entire length and breadth of human communication and correspondence, and not actually change the tone or content of a single message.
Why Have They Made Live Action / CGI Reboots of Winnie The Pooh And Dumbo, But Nobody Seems To Be Working On A Dino-Riders Movie, I’d Like To Know?: A 3,000-word rant that was already summarised pretty well by the blog title.
So You Think You’re A Playa: A series of photographs of weed-choked ponds, dried-up puddles, drainage ditches and unrelated depressions in the ground, with derisive and sassy captions centred around their failure according to a number of different criteria to actually qualify as playas, alkali flats or sabkha.
For The Record: A Pre-Emptive Distancing: A comprehensive list of actors, directors, authors and other artists who seem more or less okay right now but will probably turn out to have done something awful a long time ago or even to be still doing the awful thing right now while everyone in their social circle turns a blind eye. On hold indefinitely, in favour of a series of generalised Wikipedia disambiguation pages divided by creative category.
What If There’d Been One Of Them?: A series of brief descriptive texts outlining how the mythical Christian Nativity would have played out if there had been one additional animal (contemporary, extinct, or imaginary) or character (real or fictional).
Right In The Feels: A list of modern-day Internet catchphrases, described for the benefit of a time traveller from the 19th Century.
Okay, I Can See There’s A Bit More To Unpack Here: A more in-depth explanation of modern-day Internet and popular culture for the benefit of a confused and troubled time traveller from the 19th Century.
Yeah Look That Wasn’t Me, Okay? And Anyway Didn’t You Guys Think Lobotomies Were A Good Idea?: A wider and more general perspective on international cultural and political trends for the benefit of an increasingly outraged and annoyingly lofty and condescending time traveller from the 19th Century.
The Dubious Adventures of Gabalan “Gabbles” Grundo: An open-ended series of short adventure stories about a talking left shoe and its search for its missing pair. A long build-up to a “Mister Right” joke that really didn’t need to be told. Existing character development arc shows Gabbles going from hero to fallen hero in part 1, fallen hero to antihero in part 2, and antihero to just kind of a cunt in part 3. Part 4 on hold.
– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while on the bus.
Well damn, some of those later ones sure told me. I’m always saying “Yeah, well if the 19th century was so fucking great, how come they didn’t invent a TIME MACHINE? Hmm?”