Random Thoughts Thursday, checking in:
Over the past couple of days, I’ve had a chance to be actively kind – above and beyond the lazy don’t-be-too-much-of-a-jerk that is my background state.
I won’t go into details because it’s private, but long story short I was able to offer a little time and attention, at very minor personal cost. Essentially, a couple of hours out of my latest Write Night, and a bit of a meh-feeling that followed through the rest of the night. My Write Nights are fragile in a lot of ways, especially when I have hard editing to do.
Still, that’s not really the point. It is vanishingly trivial, and I acknowledge that it is only painful or a sacrifice for me, and the benefits outweighed the drawbacks. I was left with mixed feelings about the whole thing, and by “mixed”, I mean “two distinct feelings, each of which have a selfish and a charitable side”.
1: I felt unhappy.
1.1: I felt sorry for myself because I’d done something that interfered with writing. This, as I say, is something I freely acknowledge as selfish and trivial to everyone but me. Don’t really care, but won’t go into more detail. No time.
1.2: I felt sorry for the person who needed my help. Not only for the issue they were facing, but because – what, really? Me? I’m your last resort?
2: I felt good.
2.1: I felt good about myself because I did a noble self-sacrifice and I totally get karma points for it. That’s how selfish charity works.
2.2: I felt good that I was able to help out a fellow person, even if only in a small and lazy way.
So that was my roller coaster of complex emotion. I went to country and western.