Local Man Unnoticed

Local man, Peter Schlubsworthy (36) was today disappointed to find himself unnoticed for the 13,255th consecutive day on Saturday the 16th of September 2017.

“I was sure this was the one,” he told reporters. “Everything felt right. I was certain this time I was going to go viral.”

Schlubsworthy was convinced that bystanders with mobile devices, passing drones, or possibly one of several government-approved public health and safety surveillance systems would have recorded his actions on Saturday morning, where they would then be shared and re-shared by hundreds, then tens of thousands, and finally millions of people worldwide. His escalation to superstardom – possibly with the meme-prefix “Nice Guy” – seemed assured.

Sadly, his good deed went practically unnoticed, when he straightened and looked around to find there was nobody standing on the pavement behind him, recording live video of his thoughtful act.

“I can’t help but feel cheated,” Schlubsworthy confided to Hatboy’s Hatstand. “It was as though I picked up that old lady’s spectacle case and handed it back to her for nothing.”

Further investigation showed that the street was unusually quiet for that time of day, and there were no traffic cameras or closed-circuit surveillance systems installed in the area. A call has gone out for any members of public who were operating video-capable drones in the area to post or tweet the event with the hashtag #NiceGuyPicksUpThing, but so far social media activity has been disappointingly minimal. Schlubsworthy, hopeful, created a Kickstarter called “Thanks For Picking Up The Thing” but as of press time it had yet to receive a single visitor, and Schlubsworthy was considering taking it down.

“Yes, I dropped my glasses case this morning and it would have been a devil to pick up, with my back in this condition,” elderly beneficiary of Schlubsworthy’s kindness, Dierdre Bentleyforth (73), said in a prepared statement to reporters. “Fortunately this nice young man ran up and retrieved it with a flourish. He was quite theatrical, actually, with his dramatic poses and clearly-enunciated oratory. It was a little strange that he seemed to be looking elsewhere as he rather grandly presented the case to me, and he seemed a bit put out after that, but it was very nice of him.”

Bentleyforth revealed that she did not have plans to drop anything else, but at last count had amassed 75,000 Twitter followers.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
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2 Responses to Local Man Unnoticed

  1. aaronthepatriot says:

    Current societal mores, consider yourselves roasted.

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