Day 65. 127 pages, 63,371 words.

Another uneventful day, I’m just going to share some random facts and entertaining bits and pieces with you.

Assault With Battery


Me too, laptop. Me too.

Okay, this was a bit of a dumbarse way to start the day. In my defence, a) I am clueless about technology, b) I was operating in Finnish, c) I’ve been doing morning writing sessions the past couple of days and was only halfway through my morning coffee, d) I just didn’t know this was a thing laptops did. And now that I list these defences, I see that they’re not really defences, so much as a list of true things.

Anyway, today my laptop battery decided to crap out. I know from experience that when unplugged, my laptop has about 5 hours of useful life in it, so I went to the IT department and asked if there was a new battery available or what my options were.

First off, things started badly. The guy asked me what model laptop I had, and I said “no idea, it looks like that,” and pointed at a laptop on his desk.

Now, again in my defence, I meant “it looks exactly like that, I’m pretty sure it’s that model of Fujitsu laptop” rather than “it looks sort of lappy and toppy and a bit like a plastic book with no pages.”

Anyway, the IT guy was like “yeah, all laptops look like that…”

No they fucking don’t, Apple ones have a fucking picture of a goddamn apple on them.

Anyway, no problem. After this, he looked my profile up on his computer (which, you know, was a trick he could have led with) and found my laptop model, and said he could order a new battery for it. But it would be a month or so before the battery arrives.

I had a laugh at this and asked how I was supposed to work for the rest of the month after my battery dies in five hours’ time.

“It’s okay,” IT guy explained, “just leave your laptop plugged in.”

See, my laptop is plugged in all the time anyway. It usually stays at 100% unless I unplug it, because that’s how I thought laptops worked and I assumed the dropping percentage was because the stupid thing was dying. I occasionally take the laptop to meetings, but it’s usually more trouble than it’s worth. I had no idea that when the counter I screenshotted above gets to 0%, the laptop would still run. I would have thought that, even if the laptop isn’t charging, it would stay at 100% as long as it’s plugged in, because it’s not using battery power while it’s plugged in.

But apparently it’s fine, the battery will go flat and the laptop will keep on working at 0% as long as it’s plugged in. Makes perfect sense in retrospect. Sort of.

What it does mean, however (aside from the fact that the IT department now probably has me black-listed as a “do not depend on this user to even be able to switch machine off and then on again in case of tech support issues” hazard, if they hadn’t already), is that I can’t take my laptop to meetings until this problem is fixed.

Which is fine.

Ghost in the Cell

Now, check this out.


Looks legit, right?

This is my new phone’s autocorrect suggestions for three apparently random names that I might want to enter after writing “Peter and”. I’m not sure why it has suggested these three names in particular.

It’s possible that Mopho Cake has picked “Clare” out of the ether because Clare is my sister and I’ve got her in my contacts, we’ve e-mailed and Skyped from time to time, and I’ve maybe even mentioned her name while in a call or something, which makes this a bit creepy but okay. I haven’t done so anywhere near as much as I have mentioned a bunch of other names, and I’m not sure what the “Peter” connection is (it suggests the same three names with just about any “[name] and” combo), but here’s where it gets even weirder.

John is my sister’s ex-husband’s name. And Gavin is John’s father’s name.

And I’m pretty sure I haven’t talked about either of them on this phone. So Mopho Cake might be pulling some sort of Six Degrees of NSAtion out of its electronic butt. That’s the only explanation I can think of. Otherwise, no idea.

Once, Twice, 47% A Lady

An amusing Facebook quiz went around the other day, and I filled it in after several of my female friends took it and fetched up with overwhelmingly masculine traits. I knew, going in, that this would not be the case for me unless I had severely misjudged what sort of questions the quiz would ask and what sort of mascule-feminine values it would assign to various answers.

Now, there’s a lot to unpack here and I could make a whole separate blog entry about how they’re deciding these characteristics and behaviours and defining them as masculine and feminine, and what it all means anyway. But I haven’t got time.

What I did have time for was to do the quiz and have a laugh.


This is not even slightly unexpected, because I am a sensitive and wonderful man.

It was also amusing to see that, while my female associates routinely ended up with scores in excess of 120%-of-a-human, with 40% female and 80% male[1], I wound up with 47% and 33%, which adds up to a whole whopping 80% of a complete person.

[1] I know, that’s not what it’s counting and the two columns aren’t supposed to add up to 100%. I just think it’s stupid.

Evidently the quiz takes into account all the various bits and pieces of my body that have been removed in the past twenty years, which is nice.


There’s nothing much to say about this one. I just tweeted it because I am sleep-deprived and I thought it was funny.


The end.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy.
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