San Andreas Folt [sic]

NOTE: The title of this blog post is an in-joke. If you weren’t there, you weren’t there. And you probably still don’t know you shouldn’t reply-all.

Last night, Mrs. Hatboy and I watched San Andreas, a movie about what would happen if the 2012 and The Day After Tomorrow tectonic plates shifted against each other and The Rock (the actor, not the movie) was in between them.

It was about what you’d expect. The Rock was a magnificent day-saving powerhouse of muscles, tattoos and weirdly compelling boyish charm; Paul Giamatti was plump and worried and near-infinitely lovable; also there were some other people in the movie, and they mostly got squashed by things being knocked over onto them.

Those things included:

  • Dams
  • Cruise ships
  • Container ships
  • The containers from container ships
  • Buildings
  • Cars and trains and stuff
  • The Golden Gate Bridge (because of course)
  • A tsunami
  • The Rock’s “second base” joke, which was eleven feet across, six feet long, four feet deep and made of solid lead
  • Heavy-handed nationalistic ideology (in the form of a fuck-off enormous USian flag that unfurled from the remains of one of the semi-intact bridges right at the end just in time for The Rock to say “we will rebuild”)

I mean, honestly you guys. Seriously. For reals. I actually have come to rather like the US of A over the years, sort of. Never met a USian I didn’t like, even if sometimes it is a helpless, frustrated sort of head-shaking fondness. You’re great people, and your food is brilliant, and your movies are … are the movies that get made and there are no other movies basically, so I’m on board.

But fuck off with your flags already.

I could go on and on, but I think that about sums it up for the whole flag thing. As for San Andreas, I think I’m about done there too. It was full of explosions and smashed stuff and hair-raising rescues and CGI destruction and The Rock’s “second base” joke. It was mostly full of that, because it was – as mentioned – eleven feet across, six feet long, four feet deep and made of solid lead, and a prop like that has a way of filling up a movie.

And oh yeah, Rickon Stark was there.

san (4)

The others: “Oh no, a building is falling on us.”
Rickon: “Wait … if I’d just ducked and weaved and bobbed while I was running across the field, Ramsay might not have hit me. Actually, if I’d run backwards, and either zigged, accelerated, or stopped every time he fired, he basically wouldn’t have had a chance. Jesus fucking Christ, I’m as bad as Charlize Theron in Prometheus.”

It was a lot of fun, and then I switched my brain back on again. I thought 2012 was more fun, but I had a laugh.

Even after switching my brain back on, though, I could not for the life of me figure out why the main protagonist family needed to be structured on the classic action “divorcing couple, dad doing his best to stay connected with kid he dotes on, mother hooking up with a seventy-five-gun douchesalute for absolutely no reason” model. I mean, apart from the fact that it is indeed an action movie classic.

It’s just lazy storytelling. We are there for the smashed stuff, not the storyline. You basically have to put no effort into this whatsoever, but spraying cheese onto that particular stencil just draws attention to the fact that there’s nothing else there. I mean for goodness’ sake, at least Sharknado 4 had a cyborg Tara Reid as the relationship angst stresser.

San Andreas basically had none of these things that I found just by randomly Google searching “San Andreas movie”, and any one of these things would have made it an infinitely better movie. And that makes me sad.

Fair play to them for crushing shitribbon stepfather-to-be under a shipping container, though. And no, I don’t have any qualms about spoiling that for you. You needed to know it happened going into this movie. I’m just sorry in the unfortunately likely event of your having seen the movie already and not having been told this ahead of time.

ENDNOTE: I’m pretty sure stepdouche was in The Fantastic Four, which just makes his death more hilarious but I still don’t care as much as I would have cared if the main character had been a little bitty pig and the earthquake had been caused by a giant Morena Baccarin.

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