Guess I really do need to draw some fuckleheads a picture

The following educational series of illustrations was brought on by, but is not intended in criticism of, my esteemed lanttumies[1]. It’s just a long-boiling reaction to the bullshit that gets dropped in my inbox on an almost daily basis.

[1] No, it’s lanttumies.

Let’s start out nice and simple.


This is called a Venn diagram. It’s not particularly mathematically sound and it’s not based on any but the broadest and vaguest statistical knowledge, but it’s common sense.

Obviously, the “Immigrants” circle should be considerably smaller or the “Finns” circle should be much bigger. The “Criminals” circle is probably also too big altogether. Call it a sign of our fearful times.

But the important thing to take away from this drawing is the proportions. Immigrants are a very small group, and we’re[2] generally more law-abiding than locals. Despite the fearmongering that goes on on one side, and the equal-and-opposite head-in-sand “it’s all lies!” that goes on on the other. Yes, there are murderous rapey fucks who immigrate. Let’s lock them up, send them home, or just shoot them in the fucking head. I honestly do not care.

[2] Yes, this is what pisses me off the most when people share this shit with me. Do you not realise I am a goddamn immigrant? And before you even fucking think about saying “yeah, but you’re an alright immigrant” – think very fucking carefully about how you’re going to justify that assumption, because I will make you justify it. Also, your grammatical structure. Dude.

So. Here we have a break-down of how crime happens. Okay, let’s add a layer.


“Refugees” are a subset of “Immigrants”. And they, like every other human demographic, are primarily law-abiding – indeed, probably even more so because they are even more dependent on the goodwill of their hosts than us regular immigrants are (although we still are, too).

But yes, there are still bad ones. They’re under a lot of stress but I’ve already made all the excuses for them I’m going to. So let’s say one third to one half of crimes committed by immigrants are committed by refugees. This, again, is utterly unsupported by statistical facts, I’m just throwing circles around in MS Paint.



Here’s a simple key to what you’re seeing here:

  • If you are only worried about (1), and it is all you talk about, then you are a dumb racist.
  • If you are only worried about (2), and it is all you talk about, then you are an evil racist. Also probably dumb.

Incidentally, I have been seeing a lot of commentary about what’s happening in the US right now, specifically their President trying to get the government to support the publication of a log of crimes committed by (1) and (2) above. Now obviously that should happen only as a subset of the entire criminal acts log, and if immigrants are being singled out for special attention it’s completely unjust. And if you need me to draw you a picture explaining why, I suggest you scroll back to the top of this post and start again.

I want to add a second part here, specifically for my lanttumies in case he feels attacked by this message. It is completely not the case. I know, for example, that he is concerned with all the criminals who are doing bad shit in Finland[3]. And I agree with him that there are ways we can prevent more criminals from entering Finland, so by all means let’s do that. I’m not in favour of opening our doors and just letting everyone in.

[3] Yes, he falls into the Heffalump trap of only seeming to care about (1) and (2) crimes. But the important thing is that when that happens, we can have a conversation about it.

As an immigrant, I keep my nose clean and respect the laws and customs of Finland, and I expect all my fellow immigrants to do the same or fuck off back to where they came from. If you’re not here to steal Finnish jobs and women[4], get with the program or get the fuck out.

[4] Or men, although why anyone would want a Finnish man is completely beyond me.

This brings me to my next drawing, about language. It’s a little more complicated so bear with me.

This drawing shows at least part of the complicated spectrum I have concerning who I speak to in Finnish, and who I speak to in English. Let’s take a look.


In this spectrum, blue is English and red is Finnish. Here’s how it roughly breaks down:

  • (1a) I speak English with you because it’s your native language and I respect you.
  • (1b) I speak Engish with you even though you’re Finnish, because your English is excellent and I admire the Hell out of that. Plus, you keep saying you want to practice your English with me, and this is how we’ve gotten used to communicating. So now it’s a whole thing and it feels rude to switch to Finnish.
  • (2) I speak English with you, but would prefer to speak Finnish – not because I don’t respect you or don’t think much of your English, but because it would just be easier and hey, I want to practice my Finnish too, you ever think of that?
  • (3) I speak Finnish with you, because this is Finland and I respect the fact that I am a foreigner here. I’ve gone to the effort to learn the language so I’m going to use it where I can. I like using Finnish. Please don’t be offended if you hear me speaking English to someone else, so you switch to English but then I stubbornly go on speaking Finnish to you.
  • (4) I speak Finnish with you because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t understand me if I spoke English, which is … frankly, in Finland you have to be a bit ill-educated if you can’t understand English. Respect is still there, because this is still your country and you still don’t have to learn a foreign language … but fair to say it’s a little strained at this point.
  • (5a) I speak English with you because it’s the only goddamn language you know, and I need to make sure you understand that I think you’re a piece of shit.
  • (5b) I speak English with you even though you’re Finnish, because I know you speak English and you have forfeited the privilege of having me go to the effort of speaking your language. This does not, I must stress, apply to any of my friends or family members. It’s mostly telemarketers and people trying to rip me off at PostNord, actually.


So there you go, fuckleheads. Pictures.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy.
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10 Responses to Guess I really do need to draw some fuckleheads a picture

  1. stchucky says:

    There are a couple of points that bother me about my own pictures here.

    One is that, obviously, it is not necessary to acknowledge all the other bad things in order to denounce one bad thing. I should make that clear now. It’s bullshit when people say “you care about this but not about this”.

    So yes, it’s fine on one level to criticise the criminal element among immigrants. Let’s wipe that shit out. And you don’t have to say “yes, there are way more criminals among the native population, let’s wipe that out too.” I’d like to think this goes without saying. Most of the time.

    But when you make that narrative more generally about immigrants being the problem, rather than murderous rapey fucks being the problem, that is when you set yourself quite literally in opposition to me.

    Another point that bothers me is that my language-respect-spectrum (or languagerespectrum) is misleading in that it shows a line of clearly declining respect, where (3) looks like a lesser position than (1). Ideally, (1) and (3) would each start out from some point on the left, then merge together, then wind up back on the right as either the English (5) or maybe even some additional branch, with a deeply-disrespectful insistence on English, and a usage of Finnish towards English-speakers who don’t know Finnish and I don’t care because I just want to insult them in a language they’re too stupid to understand.

    Suffice it to say, there aren’t many people down at the bad end of my spectrum. I am a generally respectful person, despite appearances.

  2. brknwntr says:

    On the topic of number 4 my wife’s father still occasionally suggests a new way for me to do something with the words “you can be more like Finnish man.” I find this offensive on a few levels.

    a) I’m not a god damn Finn, and while you are entitled to your opinions on what cultures are the best, telling me too my face that my culture is a bit shite, is not a good way to earn my respect.

    b) Finnish men are often just…. well, they are kind of assholes.

    c) if Finnish WOMEN thought Finnish MEN were worth having, I would have to ask fellow male immigrants why they are in Finland.

    d) literally every single one of my wife’s friend’s that I met within the first six months of moving here said “Yeah, of course she married you, Finnish men are shit” I am not paraphrasing that in anyway shape or form.

    I have three methods of combating this statement.

    1) I instantly begin listing ways in which Finland is not as good as my home country. Now this list is partially accurate, and partially pulled out of my ads, depending on how angry I am that day, and how long I need to make the list.

    2) point out that if his daughter wanted a Finnish man, she had 32 years to choose one. She didn’t.

    3) Remind him that his Finnish daughter, his only child, would happily move to my home country tomorrow, leaving him to handle his old age on his own. The ONLY thing keeping us here, waiting to care for him as he grows older, is how much his NON-Finnish son-in-law feels bound to do so by respect and familial feelings.

    This last one is a low blow, but it ALWAYS gets my point across.

  3. andy says:

    Wow, someone’s in a snit today.

    First off, simple solution-you don’t like being treated as an immigrant, return to Australia where you aren’t one.

    Secondly, I love non-Americans telling me the problems in my own country. The problem is ILLEGAL immigrants. Enter the country the correct way and you are an American (we are a country of immigrants, unlike Finland), enter the wrong way and you are a criminal right off the bat according to our laws. So yes, every illegal immigrant in my country is a criminal. By the way, the crime logs had to do with sanctuary cities which is a whole other problem in my country.

    • stchucky says:

      I’m fine with being treated like an immigrant. If that means something negative to you, it’s because you have a problem.

      And I don’t give a shit how you feel about non-Americans telling you the problems with your country. I’ve been telling USians the problems with their stupid country for coming up on two decades now. I’m not about to stop.

      I have, however, grown old and wise enough to know when it’s futile. And your country’s gotten stupider in the past twenty years.

      Illegal or undocumented immigrants are a problem, separate to legal immigrants (who, no, do not automatically become citizens of the country) and separate to refugees. If you think illegal immigrants contribute to actual crime in your country in some disproportionate way, that’s another conversation.

      And your face is in a snit.

      • stchucky says:

        Clarification: I guess moving to the US and getting a green card does count as becoming a citizen as part of the immigration process. I plead ignorance on that and concede the point.

    • stchucky says:

      But now you’ve got me wondering how I would diagram undocumented immigrants who are criminals by definition. I guess I’d have to specify “violent criminals” as a separate inside-circle.

      Also, I would imagine defining undocumented immigrants as criminals would skew the “criminal” bubble against the immigrants, as a proportion. Interesting stuff. Not nice, but interesting.

  4. andy says:

    Fuck it, had several paragraphs arguing with you, but not worth it. I guess it boils down to cultural differences. As an example, from what I’m reading here, Fins would have a problem with our current first lady because she is not a native Finn.

    • stchucky says:

      Nah, I think they’d be okay with that. Not sure.

    • stchucky says:

      Obviously, though, some Finns would. I certainly didn’t mean to imply that all Finns have this attitude towards foreigners (none of the Finns I shared this with seemed to get that impression, so that’s fine). It’s just unfortunate that the ones who do have problems seeing anything outside their own fear and hate are so damn loud.

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