X-Men Apocalypse: A Review

Day 48. 161 pages, 58,131 words.

I’d been waiting for a while to see this movie, having missed it at the cinemas due to lack of time and (it has to be said) interest. When a domestic-violence-related social justice outburst[1] drowns out the actual publicity and promotion of a movie, it tends to fall off my radar pretty fast.

[1] Although to be fair, he really was more blue than grey.

Anyway, that being said, let’s get that whole thing out of the way early.

x-mäntti (2)

“Oh man, I’m never going to live this down…”
Heh, oh Boundaries Respectalypse. The gift that keeps … misgiving?

Yes, mutants beat people up in this movie. Some of the ones who got beaten up were female mutants. Actually I think Psylocke got beaten up more than Mystique. Maybe people just don’t care as much when it’s not Katniss Everdeen getting choked?

You know who else got hurt and killed in this movie? A whole bunch of non-mutant women. Like, a whole Cairo-full. But fuck them too, right?

This movie had a heck of a body-count. Apocalypse killed huge numbers of Muggles in this movie, just in the process of building his crappy lair.


This is the point where I started to sing “let it go … let it gooo.” True story, dreameling will confirm.

And yes, it was a crappy lair. I think we agreed while we were watching that it was amazing that he was able to conceptualise, design, and build something like a palace or a pyramid without being able to see all the interior bits … but we really only saw him make crappy pyramids that fell over really, really easily. Seriously, the whole point of pyramids, and why they exist in a lot of ancient cultures, is that your classic pyramid is basically a heap of rocks in natural resting formation. It’s fallen down as much as it’s going to. So it’s stable and won’t collapse. It’s easy to make a big one. Unless you’re Apocalypse, and suck.

But then, by the end of the movie, everyone was building shit like master architects with telekinesis. So whatever.

There were a lot of issues with this movie, I won’t lie. I don’t think there’s an Everything Wrong With yet, but there’s this, which should be mandatory viewing:

I’m with HISHE on this one: Angel was pointless and I have no idea why he was even in the movie. First of all, it was annoying that they re-wrote him so he was a German punk instead of the son of an anti-mutant bigoted US Senator. I like that there were mutants from all over the world in this movie instead of just USians and USians-by-adoption, but Angel’s story was sort of powerful (if a little heavy-handed-homosexual-metaphor). And usually the character re-writing has been done by means of good old sensible time-travel. How could Wolverine’s intervention in the 70s-or-whenever have made Angel be born earlier and be German? What the Hell?

That was all “first of all”. Second of all, he could fly and that was about it. His fighting in the cage match wasn’t all that interesting or promising. After that, Apocalypse gave him metal wings with apparently regenerating throwing-knife feathers, and that made him slightly more badass (but still not very badass). So why do that for him, instead of finding some better mutant and giving that mutant infinite throwing blades?

What a load.

I also agree with most of the objections dreameling roared out while watching the movie. The following is an off-the-top-of-my-head list, including some of my own objections and some of my esteemed colleague’s:

  • Why does electricity now stop teleporting, and indeed apparently a whole bunch of other mutant abilities? “Electricity” became our go-to answer for just about every issue in this movie, with the occasional “Erictricity”, to explain dubious shit that Magneto could do, thrown in.
  • Why was Apocalypse’s body-swap magic so convoluted and why did it require so much machinery and accessories and bullplop? And how did he figure that shit out in the first place?
  • Why did Apocalypse start out as basically a goa’uld, wearing prop costumes from the History Channel’s Ancient Egypt Re-Enactment Department, and then suddenly figure out how to make cool futuristic-looking cyber-costumes for his Horsemen? HISHE is right, he should have just become a designer.
  • So Apocalypse apparently had the power to pass on mega-enhancements to his Horsemen. Was that a mutant power of his? Could he only do it four times? Why didn’t he do it to all his followers? And yeah, why did he do it to Angel? And follow-up question, did those enhancements remain behind after he died? Is Storm now Super-Storm forever?
  • Why in the name of Satan’s lilac-scented bunghole didn’t Quicksilver (or whatever his name is in this franchise) tell Magneto they were father and son? Seems to me that would have been the opportune moment to resolve a massive and insurmountable conflict with zero effort. There was no reason for him not to do so. I mean, beyond some angsty personal reason, and Quicksilver must be pushing 30 by this point (which is, like, seven million years in Quicksilver time), so maybe it’s time to let go of the angst?

Oh, and speaking of pushing 30…

  • How did so little aging happen between the ’60s (X-Men First Class) where Scott ‘Cyclops’ Summers’s brother was, and the ’70s (X-Men Days of Future Past), and the ’80s (X-Men Apocalypse)? That’s some seriously good preservation of youthfulness, even for mutants who are apparently not regenerators.

Alright, this movie was pretty dumb. That’s about all I’ve got.

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5 Responses to X-Men Apocalypse: A Review

  1. dreameling says:

    Pretty much agree with everything in this post and in the HISHE video. But I gotta admit I came in with really negative expectations, so that definitely colored my response. Still, a dumb movie, and just not a very good movie. They should hard-reboot the XMCU [1] and start from scratch after Logan.

    And you really seemed to like this movie way more on the day. You were almost peppy with positive vibes! Of course, you were already drunk or getting there, so that could’ve contributed.

    [1] X-Men Cinematic Universe. Not sure if that’s an official acronym.

    • stchucky says:

      Well, the thing you have to remember is that I like dumb movies with BSTs, CGI smash-em-up effects and minimal plot. So yeah, I enjoyed it on its decorative merit.

      But it really didn’t have much to recommend it as a story, especially after First Class and Days of Future Past.

  2. aaronthepatriot says:

    LOL this is about what I imagine I would think of the movie, too. As for German Angel, maybe butterfly…flaps…it’s wings–no, never mind. Fuck this movie. Not worth it.

    • stchucky says:

      See, that’s exactly what I was thinking (in that order) – with the original-canon Angel, it’s just possible that Wolverine’s interference in the timeline from the 1970s onwards made Nixon-era Angel’s Dad decide politic in the US wasn’t for him, and so he moved to Germany. Or, alternatively, Angel’s Mum left because shit was getting weird, and went to travel around Europe for a bit and wound up getting pregnant to a German bloke. And that’s where Angel came from.

      But this-movie’s-canon-Angel is already in his twenties (at least) in the early 1980s. It doesn’t really work unless his US Senator Dad’s timeline changed as early as the 1960s, which would mean First Class would also have to re-write history – but there was no time travel in that one.

      So yeah, that was actually one of my main beefs with the movie. Lots of cool whizzbangs and pretty effects though. Apocalypse’s opening fight-scene was brutal, and he was one of the cooler villains for actually killing people.

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