Gluttonomy

Day 23. 51 pages, 23,853 words.

Late last week, an unexpected Saturday evening’s entertainment brewed when my lanttumies Vuta contacted us[1] with a query about whether we were free on Saturday evening.

[1] ‘Us’, in this case, referring to a regular little Facebook chat-group including me, Mrs. Hatboy, Vuta, Bella, and Mr. and Mrs. BRKN, and which can include discussions ranging from links to amusing videos of [insert nationality] trying [insert entertainment or food] for the first time, to literal minute-by-minute commentaries on what Mr. BRKN is doing that day, with attachments.

He wanted to go to the American Diner at Jumbo, and try their Big Tower Burger challenge. It’s one of those deals where, if you finish the whole thing, you get put in a Hall of Fame. The only downside is, it costs €50.

We’d considered doing the challenge previously, when we went to see The Magnificent Seven, but Vuta had been unable to attend and so we had decided not to do it without him.

Anyway, we were free but I didn’t feel like spending €50 and I didn’t feel like massively over-eating until I damaged my digestive system (which, let’s face it, hasn’t been the pinnacle of operational excellence since 2011), so I said that I would be happy to attend but wouldn’t be partaking in the challenge.

Mrs. Hindle, far more sensibly, suggested we watch some movies and make food for ourselves at Bar Äijä’s. She then suggested[2] that we hold a food challenge in the bar. I declared this to be a magnificent plan, and promised that I would create a Bar Äijä’s Hall of Fame for anyone who completed the challenge.

[2] Maybe spoiling her ‘sensible’ rating, or – since she was only going to be spectating anyway – perhaps enhancing it.

And just like that, the idea snowballed out of control. Although ‘snowballed’ suggests a destructive event with far fewer calories than what we ended up with.

Mr. BRKN, as our resident USian, was left unsupervised and uninterrupted in the chat window to come up with a food challenge, and he came up the classic item I have dubbed The Tard Mahal.

The Tard Mahal consists of a pizza, upon which a 700 gram patty of mincemeat has been placed, along with cheese and bacon. A second pizza is placed on top of this, along with a second 700 gram patty, more cheese, more bacon – and then a third pizza on top of this. Add a full bag of potato wedges on the side, garnish with lettuce and tomato (health first!), and chilli sauce, and serve.

If you want to make the variant known as The Vutard, use pan pizzas and high-grade mincemeat that doesn’t fry down to about two-thirds of its original weight. Also, a jumbo package of bacon. And take away the potato wedges, because you wouldn’t want to eat too much.

I met Vuta and Bella at the supermarket as I was purchasing food for my own mini-challenge, which was basically 700 grams of mincemeat that I was going to fashion into normal burger patties, along with onion rings and potato wedges. I did so, by the way, and long story short I have been living off them for the past three days, and I even served some up to Wump and Toop. I put egg, roasted onion and a package of mushroom soup into the patty mix, and it was delicious[3]. But this isn’t about me.

[3] And, with a few beers and about 6 litres of soft drink and some assorted other daily groceries thrown in, came to about €45 so was still a saving on the Big Tower Burger challenge.

Vuta then kindly documented his creation process as he assembled The Vutard.

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Two patties, total raw weight 1.4 kg. Plus sriracha sauce.

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Layer 1, pizza and fried patty and bacon and cheese and (I think) garlic sauce.

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Layer 2, second stone-oven pan pizza (supermarket brand but good brand), tomatoes, patty #2, cheese, garlic sauce, tabasco.

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The completed Vutard. The total weight was somewhere in excess of 3.5 kg (7.7 lbs).

When my father-in-law saw this creation, he reportedly said to Vuta, “I hope it’s more than just the four of you [Vuta said they were going to our place so he assumed Vuta, Bella, Hatboy and Mrs. Hatboy would be eating this], because you’re never going to finish that.” He didn’t have the heart to tell him that … well, there would technically be six of us, but this was just for him.

Mr. BRKN had done this before, so his own variant was much slicker. He’d fried his patties well to reduce them, pressed the whole thing carefully to minimise the stack-up, and assembled it with great expertisse and USian know-how and can-do spirit. They showed up at our place and gorging commenced.

We ended up not eating in Bar Äijä’s itself, on account of the Bar Äijä’s blu-ray player not accepting the DVD we wanted to watch (fuck Samsung blu-rays and their so-called region-free DVD capacity, and fuck the store clerk who sold this shit to me on the promise that my DVDs would actually work on it), so we sat in the living room and enjoyed Knights of Badassdom (for a second time, for Mrs. Hatboy and myself) and giggled as Vuta and Mr. BRKN tried to devour their Tard Mahals.

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Spoiler: They failed. But gloriously.

We also watched Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, purely for the Mr. Creosote part (and because Mr. BRKN had not seen the movie, and that is a disgrace that cannot be borne in our home).

Ultimately, each of our heroes got about halfway through (due credit to Vuta for the pan option, and Mr. BRKN for also eating a full bag of potato wedges and also eating hamburgers and stuff for half the day leading up to the goddamn challenge), before allowing their better halves to have a nibble. Even with their help (said better halves were all eating avocado pasta, like fancy-pants non-gluttons), the result was a rousing defeat at the hands of Vast Quantities of Food.

My hat goes off to these trail-blazers. We have decided that the next challenge will just be the one patty and the two pizzas (and bacon and cheese. And lettuce and tomato! Because health first! And wedges!). Let’s see if anyone finishes it and gets into the as-yet uncreated Bar Äijä’s Hall of Fame.

Bella and Vuta headed homeward at about one in the morning when, halfway through a game of Cards Against Humanity, Vuta started to feel the need to sit on the toilet and didn’t want to desecrate ours. The BRKNs left at about 02:00am.

Good times, great company. Well done everyone.

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26 Responses to Gluttonomy

  1. brknwntr says:

    I admit the burgers earlier in the day were not a good choice. I polished off the remaining half of my burger the next day with nary a hiccup. I anticipate handling the modified challenge with no problem. Afterwards, I will again attempt the original challenge, but let’s get in the books first. There can always be tiers of fame in the hall. Something along the lines of Stupid and GD Moron.

  2. stchucky says:

    Other classic comments of the evening, my anoppi: What sort of bread is that?
    Me: That’s not bread … it’s pizzas.

  3. brknwntr says:

    We should discuss what the plaque will look like.

  4. aaronthepatriot says:

    1. This is so awesome!
    2. I have GOT to make this trip happen.
    3. Marta would be mortified which just makes it more worth it.
    4. You ate bacon? Yay! Please tell me you didn’t cop out!
    5. Even if we have different crazy ideas next summer I’m sure they’ll still be awesome.

    • stchucky says:

      I didn’t take part in the challenge. That was Vuta and BRKN. And even if I did, no, I wouldn’t have bacon on mine. Eww.

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        When you come to America I’m going to make bacon that you will not only eat, you will fucking ask for more XD

        I mean, if you choose. Both to come, and to try. I wouldn’t force bacon on anyone, because if they don’t eat it, more for me!

      • stchucky says:

        What’s your secret? Making it out of an animal that’s not pig?

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        “What’s your secret? Making it out of an animal that’s not pig?”

        So you don’t like ANYTHING that’s pork? Because otherwise this doesn’t compute.

        My secret is cooking it. And cooking it right. And convincing you to overcome the trauma of the past XD

      • stchucky says:

        Jesus fuck how long have you known me?

        No, I don’t eat any kind of pig meat. It’s often unavoidable in highly-processed sausages and in that case I’m fine with it, you can’t pick out its flavour or texture and those sausages are mostly made of lips and arseholes anyway, but otherwise no.

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        “Jesus fuck how long have you known me?”

        Does anyone really know anyone, even themselves?

        No but seriously this is easier to learn and remember when you interact in person with someone, dontcha think?

        “No, I don’t eat any kind of pig meat. It’s often unavoidable in highly-processed sausages and in that case I’m fine with it, you can’t pick out its flavour or texture and those sausages are mostly made of lips and arseholes anyway, but otherwise no.”

        Oh. Wow. OK.

        Forgiveness, but this wasn’t just from one bad really raw bacon experience, was it? I can’t remember if you had more incidents to tell me, back when you defended your stance on bacon. Something seems to be nagging me that you did.

      • stchucky says:

        The idea of eating pig flesh makes me feel physically ill.

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        “The idea of eating pig flesh makes me feel physically ill.”

        I gathered nearly as much but…why? You tried bacon at one time in your life therefore this was not always the case….

      • stchucky says:

        I used to eat all sorts of pig meat. I’m still fine with the smell of bacon and I have no problem with other people eating it. But I don’t eat it myself. The idea nauseates me. And yes, it was mostly the two rounds of tainted pork I was made to eat as a teenager. The rest, you can take on faith and simply try accepting the fact that I don’t eat pig. It’s not that amazing.

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        ” used to eat all sorts of pig meat. I’m still fine with the smell of bacon and I have no problem with other people eating it. But I don’t eat it myself. The idea nauseates me. And yes, it was mostly the two rounds of tainted pork I was made to eat as a teenager. The rest, you can take on faith and simply try accepting the fact that I don’t eat pig. It’s not that amazing.”

        Thanks for the explanation. You can try accepting the fact that I accepted the fact that you don’t eat pig meat, I was just asking for more details.

        If my starting an inquiry with “forgiveness” doesn’t stave off the grumpy response I guess I’ll dispense with the pleasantries next time.

      • stchucky says:

        If my starting an inquiry with “forgiveness” doesn’t stave off the grumpy response I guess I’ll dispense with the pleasantries next time.

        Sounds good, tiger. You leave out the “pleasantries”, and I’ll show you actual “grumpy”, and we’ll see how that conversation goes. But I guess the important thing is that it will be my fault!

        Seriously though, I wasn’t being grumpy – I just don’t see what was so interesting about the topic that required a line of enquiry. I’m sorry if you were just genuinely interested in learning a fun new fact about me, but it seemed more like a cross-examination to find grounds for dismissing or otherwise compartmentalising my dislike of eating pig meat. I mean, to what purpose? It’s really not a big deal.

        All in all, I think the whole idea of people judging (no no, not you, you weren’t, *sigh*) other people for either liking food many don’t (“anchovies, eww!”), or not liking food many do (“Oh. Wow. OK. Forgiveness, but this wasn’t just from one bad really raw bacon experience, was it?”) is kind of pointless and shitty. I’m trying to think of a case where I’ve done it myself, but I can’t. I always seem to be on the receiving end of it. Maybe that’s the problem here, making me defensive even though I’m honestly only trying to respond to the interrogation at hand.

        Related. Peace out.

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        LOL how did I know you’d argue that you weren’t being grumpy?! All I stated was the response was grumpy. I think you’ve taught me this is one of those opinion thingies I get to have XD

        As to this:
        “All in all, I think the whole idea of people judging (no no, not you, you weren’t, *sigh*) other people for either liking food many don’t (“anchovies, eww!”), or not liking food many do (“Oh. Wow. OK. Forgiveness, but this wasn’t just from one bad really raw bacon experience, was it?”) is kind of pointless and shitty. I’m trying to think of a case where I’ve done it myself, but I can’t. I always seem to be on the receiving end of it. ”

        Hey, I hear you, and…it’s cool I guess that you’ve never been the doer. I’m sure you would have done it graciously anyway, so it would have been fine either way.

        At any rate, I appreciate this perspective. I never really thought of the person who doesn’t like the popular food being annoyed repeatedly, although if I extrapolate from people being shocked (shocked I tell you) that I don’t like football, I can imagine. But the truth is, I don’t have occasion to think about it because generally I don’t ask people why they don’t like certain foods. I would only ask a really close friend. *meaningful look*

        I can’t speak to the intentions of others, and I think you are rightly judging many of those responses to BE judgment like “wow what the fuck, EVERYONE is supposed to like bacon/ice cream/kittens/puppies/mom”. But no matter how inartful my words are, I was really more thinking there has to be something behind what you were saying. Plus I already had a kind of partial background…but I sensed more. So I asked.

        I mean, not liking bacon specifically is really worth no more than a throw-away ribbing that I hope you wouldn’t call “shitty” and then we move on. But when you said that expressive thing about “pig flesh” it just seemed…like a deeper…situation. You know what I mean?

        And as someone who takes a deep interest in food, both pleasure in it and health concerns, when I see someone else shunning a certain food there’s also an aspect of “hmm, am I missing something here that *I* should know too?” that makes me want to investigate. Especially with meat, lately. Because many times, there IS. Like someone who says “oh, I don’t eat wheat”. Or, “oh, I don’t drink milk”. Those are more well known, especially the milk thing (And I’m not talking about lactose intolerance!), but if you don’t ask, you might miss learning something important.

        I hope that explains myself even though I did understand you were not demanding I explain myself.

      • stchucky says:

        LOL how did I know you’d argue that you weren’t being grumpy?! All I stated was the response was grumpy. I think you’ve taught me this is one of those opinion thingies I get to have

        Oh, you’re totally entitled to your opinion. You thought my response was grumpy, and I said I was sorry about that. I also told you I actually wasn’t feeling grumpy, so that’s cool, right? Now you know.

        You’re entitled to an opinion of how my comment sounded to you. You don’t get to declare how I actually felt at the time. Or, you know, you can, but I’m entitled to ignore you. Or blow a raspberry at you. Which – brace yourself-

        *loud, extremely prolonged, spit-spraying, way-too-close-to-face raspberry*

        There you go.

        *hands Aaron a paper towel*

        Hey, I hear you, and…it’s cool I guess that you’ve never been the doer. I’m sure you would have done it graciously anyway, so it would have been fine either way.

        I am a gracious, gracious man.

        I mean, not liking bacon specifically is really worth no more than a throw-away ribbing that I hope you wouldn’t call “shitty” and then we move on. But when you said that expressive thing about “pig flesh” it just seemed…like a deeper…situation. You know what I mean?

        No I don’t. But I do get a lot of questions about whether I’m Jewish or Muslim or a Commie.

        Well, not so much that last one.

        It is odd though. It was tainted pork that gah fuck this even talking about it is making my gorge rise can we please stop after this fucking please made me ill, but after that it was any and all pig-meat, regardless of cut or cooking method, that made me sick. Except, like I say, when so heavily disguised in sausages that it might as well just be a bunch of minced-up gopher sphincters or whatever.

        I hope that explains myself even though I did understand you were not demanding I explain myself.

        Sir, I demand that you explain yourself!

      • aaronthepatriot says:

        “can we please stop after this fucking please”

        Trimmed to avoid triggering! So, not grumpy, just generally ill XD

    • stchucky says:

      But it was most certainly awesome. We’ll definitely keep perfecting the recipe.

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