Wump and Toop(TM), a user manual

I spent my morning pre-work shift writing a user manual for Mr. BRKN, who will be babysitting today while Mrs. Hindle and I head out to watch the new Independence Day movie.

Mr. BRKN, I have a printed hard-copy for you, so don’t worry. The full-colour PDF is below, though, for later reference.

Wump and ToopTM

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
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10 Responses to Wump and Toop(TM), a user manual

  1. aaronthepatriot says:

    OMFG this is hilarious! I’m struck by how similar our parenting styles appear to be (of course trying to correct for what are most certainly jokes and what are not), and our experiences. This is SO familiar to me, in many ways.

    I do have some parenting advice for you. Take it with a grain of salt or a giant fuck off. But I was aware of all the sleep/bedtime problems so this bit stood out to me:

    “Ideally, bedtime for Wump and Toop™ begins simultaneously at approximately 18:30, is concluded by 19:00pm and both children are asleep by 19:30pm. This has literally never happened.”

    I gotta say, that is HELLA early, my friend. Now, I understand, there might be reasons you have to use these bedtimes, but…we tend to have earlier bedtimes for our kids than most of our friends do, and ours are considerably later than yours. I think, once we got past multiple naptimes of infancy for each child, they pretty much had to get ready for bed by about 7:30, at the earliest. Maybe it all started at 7 for Madison when she was Wump’s age and the only child marching towards bedtime at that time (see infancy comment above).

    But with 2 kids, basically Madison was at a bedtime start time of 7:30 by the time Dalia was Toop’s age (roughly), so Dalia got a 15 minute early start for being younger and slower. And for delaying like Wump does, LOL. Then everything moved to 8 pm, and now at ages 12 and 9 it’s 8:15 to start the bedtime.

    So I guess what I’m saying is: no one could reasonably fault you if you moved their bedtimes say, about an hour later…and maybe it would help.

    I’m sure, though, that if it would help you would have thought of it already. Just wanted to share.

    • stchucky says:

      Oh yeah, what actually happens is that we start anywhere between 19:00 and 20:00, depending on what’s going on that day. Bath, if it happens, takes half an hour because I normally take a shower and change my bag at the same time. Snack takes between 15 and 30 minutes, depending on if we watch an episode of cartoon or not. Reading at least another half an hour, because I read to Toop and put her in bed and sing while Mrs. Hatboy reads to Wump, then I read to Wump. We’re very lucky to sit down to continue our evening by 21:00.

      I did say in the manual that the ideal evening literally never happens. I wasn’t using “literally” in the trendy new modern way. I meant it … well, literally.

      • Aaron H Sanders says:

        Yeah, I saw that you say it doesn’t ever happen that way…I just thought you meant after announcing bedtime at 1830 each evening the rest of the schedule shifts. I didn’t know you also meant the beginning literally never happens on time either! LOL

        I know how it goes, man. I think you had your Dalia first (not sure if Toop will even be a Madison, hard to tell this young), and we’ve thought that we were both cursed and blessed. In one sense, with Dalia as the oldest and first, I think our bedtime in particular would be much more hectic from the start and for longer into their later childhood.

        However, with Madison first, having a reliable, focused babysitter in the older sister isn’t happening as early as it does for some. Dalia probably would notice, you know, if the house were on fire or whatever. Stuff like that, that you need in a babysitter.

        Ahh well, tradeoffs! Madison is so easy and obedient without any threats or punishment. I mean I think she literally gets a punishment about once a year. So I can’t complain about that!

      • stchucky says:

        Routines are things that happen to other people.

      • dreameling says:

        We’re lucky if Julia’s asleep by 22:00.

        Some people…

  2. brknwntr says:

    If I’m honest, bed time started around 1900. I put Toop down while wally and Wump watched another episode, because it kept them quiet and i was working solo. when that episode finished, i read a short* book to Wump then laid down with Wally to watch videos till parentals arrived. All kids were in bed and quiet, by 20:30, but i didn’t try to force Wump or Wally to sleep. It didn’t seem practical and i had bene told it wasn’t required. Overall i give them a 10/10 for amiability and lack of killing anything or burning the house down with me locked in the bathroom, and will be happy to accomadate again.

    *I anticipated my idea of short and Wump’s idea of short to be different, i was still mildly surprised when she pulled out the full length Disney scrpt of Frozen though. Jokes aside, it was about what i expected

  3. dreameling says:

    This was an absolutely brilliant read. 🙂

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