Day 27. 114 pages, 51,564 words. Still trying to jump-start myself while feeling like I’m on hold.
So, here is my quick and dirty and spoiler-filled review of Captain America: Civil War. I have scattered a few animated gifs throughout, just to keep it swanky and eye-catching.
You know what, I want to punch him in his perfect teeth as well.
Here’s the quick review: The movie was good.
Here’s the slightly less-quick review: The movie was really, really good. I didn’t have the massive, nerdy blast of relief and childish delight that I felt (with attendant rowdy applause in the cinema) for Avengers Assemble, and I didn’t love it with the shameless cosplaying fanboy manchild love that I have for Deadpool, but it was easily the best Marvel movie I have seen since either of those two. And needless to say, if Marvel and DC were playing pool, this would be the moment DC pulled down its pants and took a lap of the pool table because it lost the game without sinking a single ball.
Okay, that said, I did have a few problems with it.
Problem the first: The opening scene was fun, but no way did that garbage truck a) flip on its nose like that and b) smash that compound gate in such a way that neither the garbage truck nor the gate wreckage flew off the either side to allow additional bad-guy trucks to come out of nowhere and park inside the compound. If Cinemasins doesn’t pick up on that one, I’m going to be cross.
Problem the second: Why is there a helipad right on the edge of a building, with a fucking lake directly underneath it? Okay, maybe a lake is better than a carpark if you happen to miss the pad and crash your chopper into it, but that’s a big maybe. Far better to have your helipad, you know, in the middle of the roof. Or on the ground. Maybe drain that lake and put the helipad there. Just a thought.
Problem the third: Cap and Bucky didn’t kiss.
Not even with this set-up.
Problem the fourth: It’s time for Bucky to stop being a broody angst-ridden motherfucker. Okay, he’s had a hard time. I’m glad they’re putting him back on ice until such time as they can resolve the dumb Cold War plot point about him being a sleeper agent. Let’s move on.
Problem the fifth: I’m almost certain nobody read the Sokovia Accords. Okay, in fairness I think there was a line dropped, maybe from Hawkeye or Falcon? He said something about “you read them, you still signed them.” So maybe one or two of them read the 300-page document. The rest of them were just fighting about what they thought the document was about. A document that could be amended at any time. See, for me, that would be the deal breaker. What if you signed it and then they changed it out from under you? Surely that would then require re-ratification and signing. The issue of a big brouhaha over a document nobody read spoke to me as a Technical Writer, but it was a pretty shaky thing to have a fight over.
Problem the fifth-and-a-half: As always happens in the X-Men franchise and most other superhero movies, the driving force behind the disagreement is “ooh, superheroes are dangerous, we need to keep them under control, look at all the shit they broke!” No, no, NO. The people you’re arresting and making sign stupid agreements are the ones who minimised the damage. Yes, people still got killed. But the Avengers weren’t the ones who tried to turn Novi Grad into an asteroid. That was Ultron. The Avengers were the ones who turned a death toll of millions – possibly billions – into mere thousands. Captain America’s main platform for objection to this shit should have been DOES NO CUNT ON EARTH UNDERSTAND HOW WARS WORK ANYMORE?
Okay, actually Ultron was Stark’s fault, so fuck that guy. His motivation for signing the Accords was actually pretty solid. He needs reining in.
Anyway, that’s the thing about all the “bad stuff” the superheroes do. It’s always just a result of the supervillains doing shit. It’s always just a fragment of the devastation that the superheroes couldn’t 100% prevent. They could only prevent 99.99% of it. What monsters!
Fuck you, humans.
This, of course, almost defuses and ends happily, until we get to the final trigger: Bucky killed Tony Stark’s parents!!!1!one
Problem the sixth: Yeah, I don’t really care. I mean, it’s sad and all, but Stark had a complex relationship with his dad, and it didn’t seem like his relationship with his mum was much better. Of course, it’s still awful that they were murdered and of course he’d want revenge, but against Bucky? When he knows Bucky was basically an innocent victim? Not five minutes before the final revelation, he literally calls him “Manchurian Candidate”.
Not only that, but Loki brainwashed a whole bunch of people in Avengers Assemble. In the process of stealing the tesseract, how many people did Hawkeye and Selvig kill? Then Scarlet Witch brainwashed a bunch of people in Age of Ultron, and in fact she and her brother were brainwashed themselves, to be bad guys when they were first turned into enhanced. And there was a mess of Hydra brainwashing going on in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. as well. I’m not saying Stark shouldn’t care about his parents being murdered – I’m saying he should know enough by now, not to go after the brainwashed murder-puppet.
Fuck it, Black Panther’s father was killed, and by all accounts that was a much more loving father-son relationship. And yes, Black Panther went after the supposed killer for a while – but then he stopped! Because he realised Bucky was a victim! And then he didn’t even kill the actual guy responsible! He actually stopped him from killing himself! Right there, in his beautiful speech about how vengeance can consume you, he summed it up. He summed up how Tony Stark is a fucking moron.
Sure, get mad. Get even. But focus your attention on the right person. Stark should know better.
Okay, that’s just about all my complaints. Oh, wait – and nobody died. I guess they’re saving that for the next part, but Rhodes at least should have died. He’s funny and cool and I have no beef with him, but it’s pretty obvious that partial paralysis is a lame cop-out. He should have been killed. Sorry, War Machine.
So that sounds like it was pretty bad, right? Wrong.
Because those are all just ehhh, why did they do that? -moments. Put up against the sheer brilliance of the character interactions, the performances, the effects, the pace of the movie, all of it – put up against that, they were really very tiny objections. And when I say that the CGI and the explosions and the other BSTs paled in comparison to the acting, you know I’m talking about shiny fucking acting.
Nobody’s going to get an Oscar for this, because it’s a comic book movie and we need the oldest two or three generations of Oscar judges to fucking die before a comic book movie wins shit, but they should. There were some great performances. The whole movie came together really well, and even with so many characters in need of screen-time, they all got their chance and it didn’t feel the least bit crowded. It was masterful.
 I didn’t research this, so now I will step back and wait for somebody to correct me about some Oscar or other that a comic book movie won sometime. Maybe Avengers Assemble won some shit, actually.
The movie was very much about the bromance between Cap and Bucky, but also the apparent break-up between Cap and Tony. Which I have to admit I never really got. When Cap says “he’s my friend” and Stark says “so was I”, I have to call bullshit on that. They never got along.
For me, easily, the day was carried by the bugs. Hence the name of my blog post.
Ant-Man was hilarious, I love him. The technology is still ludicrous – in fact, even more ludicrous now that he’s apparently able to embiggen himself (and cromulently!) in a fight – but I forgive it. He was super-cool. His interactions with “Captain America” were hysterical. And after just seeing Ant-Man the other day, I felt bad to see him back in prison at the end of this movie. Although I assume he got out at the end because Cap came to save him. Still, I feel bad about all his efforts in his stand-alone movie. He just wants to be a good dad to his kid!
Yeah, his dénouement bugged me a little. Get it? Do you see what I did there?
I said ‘dénouement’. Because thesaurus.com lists the following synonyms for dénouement: solution, conclusion, end, upshot. And “upshot” is what happened to him in this gif.
And Spider-Man was there.
I don’t say that as a throw-away “oh yeah, he was alright”. I say it as opposed to every Spider-Man movie made in the past fifteen years. Spider-Man was actually in this movie, for real. It wasn’t some thirty-five-year-old dressed as Spidey, and it wasn’t some whatever-the-fuck was happening in the reboots, I never saw those. This was the real deal. They finally got Spidey right.
Between the two of them, the creepy-crawlies carried the movie.
And I can’t wait to see the next bit. And the Black Panther movie. Holy shit.
Yeah, this was great. You don’t have to see it on the big screen, it wasn’t that much of a roller-coaster of massive disaster effects, but it’s definitely worth your money.