This was a funny, funny movie. Okay, now first a bit of background.

The year was 2016. I’d just been fired, and my brain was steadily unpacking into a pink fuzzy haze of depressurised and directionless cynicism. I had also been sitting in a bar drinking Coronas, Salmiakki shots, Harvey Wallbangers and oh yeah, this pear flavoured Minttu that I had purchased, put in a hip flask, and then leaked half of the flask all over myself.

True story.

There was also a half-bottle of Koskenkorva courtesy of Mr. BRKN, and that went into the drinks at Burger King just before we went to the cinema.

So yeah, fair to say, I was pretty loaded by the time we went in.

I think I was just drunk enough to be the perfect audience for this movie. They were clearly catering for the thirty-seven-year-old recently terminated and three-hour heavy-drinking-session tanked demographic. Add to that a “don’t give much of a shit about Batman or Superman or DC in general” requirement, and I fit the bill perfectly.

What can I say without spoiling too much? Batman is mad at Superman for ill-defined reasons, possibly to do with the destruction Supes caused in his first movie. Supes is struggling with having near-infinite power and using it to help people and people still being shits about it. Which, you know, is pretty reasonable. If I was Superman, I’d have to fly around the planet really fast in order to create more time to tell the human race to go fuck itself.

Where was I?

Right, Superman is basically facing his usual God Dilemma, and Batman is angry and violent.

Lex Luthor is trying to get approval to weaponise kryptonite, “just in case”. Ludicrously, the US government doesn’t go for it. So Lex (I think) does it anyway and then kills a bunch of people and blames Supes and then … shit, I don’t know, this is where I started to lose it. The Lex character was very cool though. He was clearly really into the role and was playing it up perfectly. I liked him.

On the subject of casting, they actually did it really well. Affleck was the best Batman I’ve seen since Keaton, although I admit Keaton’s Batman is the Batman seen through the Burton-coloured glasses of an ’80s kid. Anyway, he was good. And Supes was good too. How good do you need to be, to be Supes?

So. What happened next?

There were files on metahumans. So there was Wonder Woman, the Flash[1], and some sort of cyborg[2], and also Aquaman. I went “WOOO!” when Aquaman showed up. Nobody else went “WOOO!”. Anyway, there were files. Wonder Woman was there, trying to get the files. Bruce Wayne did too. Um.

[1] Not the TV Flash though! Because fuck that guy! We’re DC! We never do anything without the intention of taking a giant shit on it in six months’ time!

[2] In fact, this Cyborg. Or possibly this one? I don’t know. All I know is that the scientist studying him was the actor who played Miles Dyson, inventor of Skynet. There’s got to be a crossover / IACM in that.

Then Lex made Superman and Batman fight. Batman had kryptonite weapons so that’s how that worked. Um.

Then apparently Superman and Batman’s mums were both named Martha – I assume this is because the comics are from the ’50s and everybody’s mum was named Martha in the ’50s – and that was enough to trigger an explosive Mommy Issue in Batman and then they were friends after that. It would have been cooler if they had actually been the same woman, and Martha Wayne hadn’t died, the whole thing had been to fake her death and then she went and became Martha Kent, but obviously I’m not ever going to get to make a Batman / Superman crossover movie, so oh well.

Um.

So then there was more fighting, and Doomsday was there[3], and there was a bit of divergence from the comic book story but as I said, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about the comic book story, not even if fucks were made out of infinitely-divisible fractal matter and you could somehow shave off the final fractal fuck-filament from the very end and anyway long story short, fuck all that.

[3] Points, at the end, for Superman having proper Superman-hair.

And they didn’t even kiss!

Oh, and Batman had a couple of really long, really detailed dream sequences that suggest to me that there’s going to be time-travel and a bunch of other weird shit going on if DC ever get their shit together and make a proper story arc from this, but let’s face it. They’re probably not going to to get their shit together. DC like their shit the way they like their coffee: spread the fuck out all over the place for maximum stainage and minimal caffeine content. For example, are they even going to try to link in the Flash and Arrow TV shows? What about the Suicide Squad movie?

Anyway, they should have cut the dreams. Or – and this would have been my advice – cut the rest of the movie and make a movie of the actual dream thing with the giant Omega sign and the alien bugs and whateverthefuckall was happening there.

Because if there is one movie I want to watch more than Aquaman right now, it’s Batman: Covered in Bees.

Fucking hilarious. Get this on blu-ray.