Bla Bla Bla Bla Wars, Episode VI, Part III

Day 24. 84 pages, 39,934 words.

And so the weekend ends, and with it the lazy-arse lost .txts of 2002, at least for now. Back to scheduled programming tomorrow.

Starring

Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER

Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO

Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)

Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR

Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI

Kenny Baker as CNN-D2

Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO

Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE

Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD

A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR

and the voices of

James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN

___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT

and Frank Oz as COFI

[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.

In the meantime, GEORGE slips away and gives himself up to the Axis of Evil, in the hopes that he can turn his father back to the Good Side of the Peace. DARTH LADEN takes GEORGE immediately to the weapons plant and brings him face to face with the Emperor SADDAMPATINE.

SADDAMPATINE: So, your friends are attacking the chemical weapons plant. They will not be successful. We are well-protected here.

GEORGE pulls out a sword, and DARTH LADEN moves to intercept.

GEORGE: I will not give in to the Dark Side of the Peace! I have come to take my father out of your evil clutches, and accept your surrender. You’ll hand over all your weapons to the Alliance, and we’ll put a new ruler in your place. In a peaceful and friendly huggy manner.

SADDAMPATINE: I have seen your sanctions and felt the bite of your furious disregard for your fellow man. Give in to your hate! Join us on the Dark Side of the Peace! You are already a terrorist, now take your father’s place at my side!

GEORGE and LADEN fight.

LANDO HOWARD and some miscellaneous Asian soldiers take Air Force One on a bombing run over the chemical weapons orphanage, and run into heavy international criticizm.

LANDO: Don’t worry, mate – Colin’ll have that propaganda down by Tuesday. No worries.

Sure enough, CNN manages to clear away the whitewash and rouse massive public support for the attacks, and soon the bombs are dropping and the biological weapons of mass destruction old people’s home is blown to smithereens. COLIN SOLO and PRINCESS BLAIR see the explosion from the CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR’S flop-house.

COLIN: Don’t worry, I’m sure all our boys got out of there before it exploded. And if not, then just remember what it is you always say-

BLAIR: There are no dead Americans, just dead American heroes.

COLIN: Damn straight.

In the rubble of the chemical and biological doomsday weapons of armageddon crippled childrens’ basketball academy, GEORGE kneels by DARTH LADEN as he slowly dies.

LADEN: George…

GEORGE: Yes, father?

LADEN: Take off this tea-towel and silly beard, George, and let me see you with my own eyes.

GEORGE does so, peeling away the disguise to reveal the weathered old face of GEORGE SKYWALKER SENIOR.

GEORGE SNR.: Ahh, you done good, boy. I’m proud of you. And look, at least I finally got rid of Saddam, eh? Eh?

GEORGE SKYWALKER SENIOR dies. GEORGE JUNIOR picks up the body and takes it to the CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR’S flop-house, where they burn it and discover that the layers of disguise cause some interesting hallucinatory effects. They have a big party, and all over the world people celebrate the triumph of the forces of goodness and the victory of the Peace.

This celebration involves an undue number of explosions and tearing down of priceless old statues, but nobody really minds.

THE END

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