Bla Bla Bla Bla Wars, Episode VI, Part II

Day 23. 83 pages, 39,380 words.

I am headed to Mr. Fahrenheit’s place today for another movie marathon so let’s see, there may be some reviews in our future. For now, though, the lost .txts of 2002 get their penultimate lazy-weekend instalment…

Starring

Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER

Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO

Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)

Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR

Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI

Kenny Baker as CNN-D2

Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO

Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE

Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD

A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR

and the voices of

James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN

___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT

and Frank Oz as COFI

[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.

GEORGE W. SKYWALKER meets up with COFI in his audience chamber, but the little old diplomat is smothered by grief and near to death. Sure enough, soon his power wanes and he vanishes forever. GEORGE, distraught, wanders outside and is visited by the ghost of JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI.

GEORGE: Jack! You’re a ghost – when did you die?

JACK: Oh, I didn’t die. I just gave in one time too many. Now I am in a utopian state where no terror can reach me.

GEORGE: Where’s that?

JACK: Denial.

GEORGE: You told me that Darth Laden killed my father. Now I find out he *is* my father.

JACK: Many years ago, your father was a promising young President, and wa sone of the greatest enemies of the Emperor Saddampatine in the world. But he was corrupted by money and power, and in a metaphorical way, perhaps it is true to say he *did* die when he wa swon over by the Axis of Evil.

GEORGE: But he’s alive.

JACK: Yes, it was a metaphor. Mon dieu!

GEORGE: A whataphor?

JACK: Shouldn’t you be going?

GEORGE rushes over to the Alliance staging area just in time to join in Operation Shock and Awe, in which COLIN SOLO and BOMBIE and PRINCESS BLAIR and, surprisingly, LANDO HOWARD are all taking part. CNN-D2 and BBC-3PO are in attendance, ready to do their part.

BLAIR: The chemical weapons are here, in the middle of Iraq.

BLAIR points to a map.

BLAIR: They will be difficult to get to, being protected by a large amount of propaganda and lies, but we have a plan to bring all that down. We will send a team in to destroy the publicity machine, and then the country will be ripe for the bombing.

BOMBIE: Argh!

The heroes head off. GEORGE, COLIN, BLAIR, BOMBIE and the news networks head for the propaganda site (Endor magazine), while the rest of the Alliance head for Baghdad and the evil chemical weapons hospital. The team headed for the false publicity generator are suddenly beset by hundreds of protestors, CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR to a man. They are hostile and seem oblivious to the fact that they are living in a very dangerous place and time. Even though evidence of the Axis of Evil is all around them, they prefer to dance and play and mess around. They react with unusual aggression towards COLIN SOLO.

COLIN: Damn it, you stupid hippies, get away from me!

GEORGE: It’ll do no good to hit them, they don’t understand what’s happening. Maybe if we-

BBC-3PO: Oooh…

The CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR gasp when they see BBC-3PO, and all fall to their knees.

BBC: Oh dear. It seems they think I’m some sort of God.

COLIN: Then why don’t you use your Godly powers and get us out of this pansy convention?

BBC: Oh no, sir, I couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be an ethical use of my sources and global impact.

COLIN: I’ll ‘global impact’ you if you don’t-

GEORGE: BBC, tell them that if they don’t let us go, you’ll get angry, and you’ll stop showing documentaries about how good marijuana is for people.

The CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR panic and let the heroes go, and BBC-3PO explains what they’re trying to do. The CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR are impressed and suddenly seem to realize what is happening. They become strangely militant, in a hilarious sort of way.

TO BE CONTINUED

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
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