Bla Bla Bla Bla Wars, Episode V, Part III

Day 18. 67 pages, 30,983 words.

Part three of Episode V. I have a second blog post coming for today, I know these lazy 2002 .txt reposts are a bit of a boring cheat. And I found something cool to start the week with so let’s just do this.

Starring

Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER

Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO

Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)

Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR

Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI

Kenny Baker as CNN-D2

Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO

Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE

Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD

A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR

and the voices of

James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN

___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT

and Frank Oz as COFI

[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.

COLIN and his companions hide away from the AXIS OF EVIL and take refuge in Australia. Hosted by the charmingly unsophisticated LANDO HOWARD, an old friend of COLIN’S, they relax and plan their next move.

COLIN: You must be under constant threat from terrorists out here.

HOWARD: Oh yeah, whenever they can get up the frequent-flier miles they give us grief, but most of the time they don’t get past Indonesia. Anyway, I just made a deal to keep the Axis of Evil out of Australia forever.

They walk into a dining room. DARTH LADEN stands up.

LADEN: Ahh, there you are at last. I have made a bargain with the Australian government. the Americans who have done so much damage to my people will be coming with me, and I have agreed to turn Colin Solo over to the International Criminal Court for his crimes against humanity. Please come with me.

The heroes are imprisoned, and COLIN is placed in restraints ready for his transportation to JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT’S palace. Suddenly, LANDO HOWARD changes sides and decides to help the Americans and PRINCESS BLAIR to escape. THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE) is not convinced, and marks Australia down in his pad for later reference. Just as they are making good their escape, GEORGE arrives. He instigates a lengthy battle with DARTH LADEN across the city.

LADEN: George, we shouldn’t be fighting. Imagine the things we could do if we worked together!

GEORGE: Crash planes actually loaded with weaponry into buildings?

LADEN: For instance.

GEORGE: No! No, you won’t tempt me with the Dark Side of the Peace! Not after what the Middle East did to my father!

LADEN: Did Jaqui Wan tell you what happened to your father, George?

GEORGE: He told me enough. He told me he became obsessed with oil and the greed destroyed him!

LADEN: No, George, *I* am your father!

GEORGE: No! NOOOOOOOOO!!

GEORGE leaps from the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Air Force One swoops by underneath and picks him up in the nick of time.

THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE): Argh!

THE END

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