Day 18. 67 pages, 30,983 words.
Part three of Episode V. I have a second blog post coming for today, I know these lazy 2002 .txt reposts are a bit of a boring cheat. And I found something cool to start the week with so let’s just do this.
—
Starring
Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER
Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO
Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)
Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR
Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI
Kenny Baker as CNN-D2
Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO
Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE
Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD
A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR
and the voices of
James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN
___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT
and Frank Oz as COFI
[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.
—
COLIN and his companions hide away from the AXIS OF EVIL and take refuge in Australia. Hosted by the charmingly unsophisticated LANDO HOWARD, an old friend of COLIN’S, they relax and plan their next move.
COLIN: You must be under constant threat from terrorists out here.
HOWARD: Oh yeah, whenever they can get up the frequent-flier miles they give us grief, but most of the time they don’t get past Indonesia. Anyway, I just made a deal to keep the Axis of Evil out of Australia forever.
They walk into a dining room. DARTH LADEN stands up.
LADEN: Ahh, there you are at last. I have made a bargain with the Australian government. the Americans who have done so much damage to my people will be coming with me, and I have agreed to turn Colin Solo over to the International Criminal Court for his crimes against humanity. Please come with me.
The heroes are imprisoned, and COLIN is placed in restraints ready for his transportation to JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT’S palace. Suddenly, LANDO HOWARD changes sides and decides to help the Americans and PRINCESS BLAIR to escape. THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE) is not convinced, and marks Australia down in his pad for later reference. Just as they are making good their escape, GEORGE arrives. He instigates a lengthy battle with DARTH LADEN across the city.
LADEN: George, we shouldn’t be fighting. Imagine the things we could do if we worked together!
GEORGE: Crash planes actually loaded with weaponry into buildings?
LADEN: For instance.
GEORGE: No! No, you won’t tempt me with the Dark Side of the Peace! Not after what the Middle East did to my father!
LADEN: Did Jaqui Wan tell you what happened to your father, George?
GEORGE: He told me enough. He told me he became obsessed with oil and the greed destroyed him!
LADEN: No, George, *I* am your father!
GEORGE: No! NOOOOOOOOO!!
GEORGE leaps from the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Air Force One swoops by underneath and picks him up in the nick of time.
THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE): Argh!
—
THE END
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About Hatboy
I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends.
Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages?
I am Hatboy.
https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
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Bla Bla Bla Bla Wars, Episode V, Part III
Day 18. 67 pages, 30,983 words.
Part three of Episode V. I have a second blog post coming for today, I know these lazy 2002 .txt reposts are a bit of a boring cheat. And I found something cool to start the week with so let’s just do this.
—
Starring
Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER
Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO
Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)
Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR
Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI
Kenny Baker as CNN-D2
Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO
Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE
Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD
A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR
and the voices of
James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN
___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT
and Frank Oz as COFI
[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.
—
COLIN and his companions hide away from the AXIS OF EVIL and take refuge in Australia. Hosted by the charmingly unsophisticated LANDO HOWARD, an old friend of COLIN’S, they relax and plan their next move.
COLIN: You must be under constant threat from terrorists out here.
HOWARD: Oh yeah, whenever they can get up the frequent-flier miles they give us grief, but most of the time they don’t get past Indonesia. Anyway, I just made a deal to keep the Axis of Evil out of Australia forever.
They walk into a dining room. DARTH LADEN stands up.
LADEN: Ahh, there you are at last. I have made a bargain with the Australian government. the Americans who have done so much damage to my people will be coming with me, and I have agreed to turn Colin Solo over to the International Criminal Court for his crimes against humanity. Please come with me.
The heroes are imprisoned, and COLIN is placed in restraints ready for his transportation to JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT’S palace. Suddenly, LANDO HOWARD changes sides and decides to help the Americans and PRINCESS BLAIR to escape. THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE) is not convinced, and marks Australia down in his pad for later reference. Just as they are making good their escape, GEORGE arrives. He instigates a lengthy battle with DARTH LADEN across the city.
LADEN: George, we shouldn’t be fighting. Imagine the things we could do if we worked together!
GEORGE: Crash planes actually loaded with weaponry into buildings?
LADEN: For instance.
GEORGE: No! No, you won’t tempt me with the Dark Side of the Peace! Not after what the Middle East did to my father!
LADEN: Did Jaqui Wan tell you what happened to your father, George?
GEORGE: He told me enough. He told me he became obsessed with oil and the greed destroyed him!
LADEN: No, George, *I* am your father!
GEORGE: No! NOOOOOOOOO!!
GEORGE leaps from the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Air Force One swoops by underneath and picks him up in the nick of time.
THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE): Argh!
—
THE END
Share this:
Like this:
Related
About Hatboy
I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/