Day 17. 67 pages, 30,964 words.
Here’s the second part of the second part, the great lost .txt of 2002 and my devastating political commentary on the wars going on at the time.
—
Starring
Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER
Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO
Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)
Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR
Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI
Kenny Baker as CNN-D2
Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO
Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE
Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD
A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR
and the voices of
James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN
___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT
and Frank Oz as COFI
[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.
—
The terrorists attack. The American military manage to fend off the inept attempts, and evacuate Alaska. COLIN SOLO, THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE), BBC-3PO and PRINCESS BLAIR end up barely escaping from DARTH LADEN, and GEORGE and CNN-D2 head off to the UNobah System.
GEORGE (to CNN): It’s really quiet and absolutely nothing seems to be being achieved … but there’s something alive in there.
They pull up at the UN headquarters, and GEORGE’S car gets a flat tire. They walk inside and GEORGE looks around the audience chamber.
GEORGE: I just can’t help feeling like…
COFI: Feeling like what?
GEORGE: Like I’m being watched!
GEORGE and COFI being the rigorous training in the ways of the Peace. GEORGE just can’t seem to get the hang of it. He sits in a Lotus position with COFI on his shoulders.
COFI: The use the Peace, you must feel the Peace flowing through you, through everything … yes … yeeeesss … feel the Peace. Feel the Peace…
GEORGE: Colin…? BBC-3PO? Blair!
GEORGE falls to the floor of the audience chamber.
COFI: You have to concentrate!
GEORGE: I saw … my friends … in danger. In a city in the middle of nowhere.
COFI: Mmm. It was Australia you saw.
GEORGE: They were in pain.
COFI: Uncertain the future is.
GEORGE: I have to go and save them! Cofi, I have to go. But I can’t go anywhere with my car busted up like that!
GEORGE yells in frustration and whacks the hood of his car.
COFI: No! Use the Peace you must!
GEORGE: It’s impossible!
He kicks his car’s punctured tire.
COFI walks over to the car. Murmuring and smiling, he takes a wrench out of the back seat and changes the tire. GEORGE looks on in amazement.
GEORGE: I don’t believe it!
COFI: That is why you fail.
GEORGE promises to return to complete his training in the ways of the Peace, and rushes off as fast as he can.
—
TO BE CONTINUED
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About Hatboy
I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends.
Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages?
I am Hatboy.
https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
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Bla Bla Bla Bla Wars, Episode V, Part II
Day 17. 67 pages, 30,964 words.
Here’s the second part of the second part, the great lost .txt of 2002 and my devastating political commentary on the wars going on at the time.
—
Starring
Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER
Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO
Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)
Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR
Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI
Kenny Baker as CNN-D2
Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO
Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE
Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD
A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR
and the voices of
James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN
___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT
and Frank Oz as COFI
[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.
—
The terrorists attack. The American military manage to fend off the inept attempts, and evacuate Alaska. COLIN SOLO, THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE), BBC-3PO and PRINCESS BLAIR end up barely escaping from DARTH LADEN, and GEORGE and CNN-D2 head off to the UNobah System.
GEORGE (to CNN): It’s really quiet and absolutely nothing seems to be being achieved … but there’s something alive in there.
They pull up at the UN headquarters, and GEORGE’S car gets a flat tire. They walk inside and GEORGE looks around the audience chamber.
GEORGE: I just can’t help feeling like…
COFI: Feeling like what?
GEORGE: Like I’m being watched!
GEORGE and COFI being the rigorous training in the ways of the Peace. GEORGE just can’t seem to get the hang of it. He sits in a Lotus position with COFI on his shoulders.
COFI: The use the Peace, you must feel the Peace flowing through you, through everything … yes … yeeeesss … feel the Peace. Feel the Peace…
GEORGE: Colin…? BBC-3PO? Blair!
GEORGE falls to the floor of the audience chamber.
COFI: You have to concentrate!
GEORGE: I saw … my friends … in danger. In a city in the middle of nowhere.
COFI: Mmm. It was Australia you saw.
GEORGE: They were in pain.
COFI: Uncertain the future is.
GEORGE: I have to go and save them! Cofi, I have to go. But I can’t go anywhere with my car busted up like that!
GEORGE yells in frustration and whacks the hood of his car.
COFI: No! Use the Peace you must!
GEORGE: It’s impossible!
He kicks his car’s punctured tire.
COFI walks over to the car. Murmuring and smiling, he takes a wrench out of the back seat and changes the tire. GEORGE looks on in amazement.
GEORGE: I don’t believe it!
COFI: That is why you fail.
GEORGE promises to return to complete his training in the ways of the Peace, and rushes off as fast as he can.
—
TO BE CONTINUED
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Like this:
Related
About Hatboy
I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/