Bla Bla Bla Bla Wars, Episode V, Part II

Day 17. 67 pages, 30,964 words.

Here’s the second part of the second part, the great lost .txt of 2002 and my devastating political commentary on the wars going on at the time.

Starring

Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER

Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO

Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)

Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR

Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI

Kenny Baker as CNN-D2

Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO

Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE

Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD

A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR

and the voices of

James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN

___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT

and Frank Oz as COFI

[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.

The terrorists attack. The American military manage to fend off the inept attempts, and evacuate Alaska. COLIN SOLO, THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE), BBC-3PO and PRINCESS BLAIR end up barely escaping from DARTH LADEN, and GEORGE and CNN-D2 head off to the UNobah System.

GEORGE (to CNN): It’s really quiet and absolutely nothing seems to be being achieved … but there’s something alive in there.

They pull up at the UN headquarters, and GEORGE’S car gets a flat tire. They walk inside and GEORGE looks around the audience chamber.

GEORGE: I just can’t help feeling like…

COFI: Feeling like what?

GEORGE: Like I’m being watched!

GEORGE and COFI being the rigorous training in the ways of the Peace. GEORGE just can’t seem to get the hang of it. He sits in a Lotus position with COFI on his shoulders.

COFI: The use the Peace, you must feel the Peace flowing through you, through everything … yes … yeeeesss … feel the Peace. Feel the Peace…

GEORGE: Colin…? BBC-3PO? Blair!

GEORGE falls to the floor of the audience chamber.

COFI: You have to concentrate!

GEORGE: I saw … my friends … in danger. In a city in the middle of nowhere.

COFI: Mmm. It was Australia you saw.

GEORGE: They were in pain.

COFI: Uncertain the future is.

GEORGE: I have to go and save them! Cofi, I have to go. But I can’t go anywhere with my car busted up like that!

GEORGE yells in frustration and whacks the hood of his car.

COFI: No! Use the Peace you must!

GEORGE: It’s impossible!

He kicks his car’s punctured tire.

COFI walks over to the car. Murmuring and smiling, he takes a wrench out of the back seat and changes the tire. GEORGE looks on in amazement.

GEORGE: I don’t believe it!

COFI: That is why you fail.

GEORGE promises to return to complete his training in the ways of the Peace, and rushes off as fast as he can.

TO BE CONTINUED

This entry was posted in Hatboy's Movie Extravaganza, Hatboy's Nuggets of Crispy-Fried Wisdom and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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