Bla Bla Bla Bla Wars, Episode V, Part I

Day 16. 67 pages, 30,964 words.

Saturday is here and here is the first lazy part of my lost .txt of 2002.

—

Starring

Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER

Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO

Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)

Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR

Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI

Kenny Baker as CNN-D2

Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO

Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE

Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD

A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR

and the voices of

James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN

___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT

and Frank Oz as COFI

[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.

—

All is peaceful in the American base somewhere in Alaska. GEORGE W. SKYWALKER is out looking for terrorists, and gets himself stuck in a snowstorm in the course of his exploring. Just as he is about to die of exposure, the ghost of JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI appears before him.

JACK: George … George!

GEORGE: Jack?

JACK: You will go to the UNobah System. You will seek out Cofi, to learn the ways of the Peace.

JACK fades away and is replaced by COLIN SOLO in a humvee.

COLIN: George! You’ll be okay, it’s lucky I found you. Come on, we’re only ten yards away from the base. We can almost walk it.

—

GEORGE is recovering, while COLIN and PRINCESS BLAIR argue and flirt in the military base. COLIN and THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE) are trying to get Air Force One working so they can go off looking for profit.

COLIN: Good to see you’re back on your feet, George. Looks like Her Majesty got to keep me around a little longer. Now she’s concerned that there are more terrorists on their way here.

BLAIR: I’m not a Queen! And I don’t want you around.

COLIN: That’s not what she was saying in Parliament. She confessed her true feelings towards me.

BLAIR: Well, I guess you just don’t understand British people yet.

PRINCESS BLAIR gives GEORGE a big kiss.

COLIN: Whoa! Nasty.

—

TO BE CONTINUED

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/

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