Day 9. 50 pages, 21,883 words.

Here’s the next bit of my lost .txt of 2002.

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Starring

Mark Hamill as GEORGE W. SKYWALKER

Harrison Ford as COLIN SOLO

Peter Mayhew as THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE)

Carrie Fisher as PRINCESS BLAIR

Alec Guinness as JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI

Kenny Baker as CNN-D2

Anthony Daniels as BBC-3PO

Ian McDiarmid as EMPEROR SADDAMPATINE

Billy Dee Williams as LANDO HOWARD

A Bunch Of Midgets In Care Bear Costumes as THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTING WHINY PUSSY TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE WIMPS OF ENDOR

and the voices of

James Earl Jones as DARTH LADEN

___[1] as JABBA THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT

and Frank Oz as COFI

[1] This name was missing from the .txt file. I believe, as this satire was originally posted on Usenet, the role of Jabba was filled by my “cousin” Debs, who everyone made fat jokes about. Long story. I don’t think leaving it blank really detracts from the story though.

—

GEORGE and BBC zoom through the Texan wilderness. They are attacked by INEPT VOTERS but manage to survive and end up in JAQUI WAN CHIRAQI’S house.

JACK: So, mon ami, what brings you out here?

GEORGE: This news network says it has a message for you.

CNN: President Chiraq, you have to help us. The free world is being beseiged by terrorists, and I don’t know where to turn for support. Our friends in the Alliance are powerless, we need your help. I have sent the terrorist plans to this news network, but it will only publicize them for an immense profit. You must bring this network to the World Trade Center, where funds will be re-allocated. Please help us, Jaqui Wan Chiraqi. You’re our only hope.

GEORGE stares in amazement at the little hologram of PRINCESS BLAIR.

GEORGE: She’s beautiful!

JACK: We have to get to the World Trade Center, and fast. That means we have to find somebody with a means of international transportation.

—

Later, GEORGE and JAQUI WAN look down on Washington.

JACK: There it is, Washington DC. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautions, oui?

—

Later still, GEORGE and JAQUI WAN sit in a bar in Washington, after being curtly informed that there are no news networks allowed. COLIN SOLO and BOMBIE sit down opposite.

COLIN: A Frenchie and a redneck. I can’t believe we’ve sunk so low.

THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE (AKA BOMBIE): Argh!

JACK: I hear you have a plane that can take us to the World Trade Center.

COLIN: Haven’t you ever heard of Air Force One?

JACK: Should we have?

COLIN: Ironically enough, Harrison Ford was in it. Never mind. Yeah, I got a plane. But it’ll cost you. And I don’t take credits. Cash won’t fill my gas tank. I want oil.

JACK: You’ll get it. Ten bajillion barrels. Half now and half when we get to New York.

COLIN: Let’s go.

—

Meanwhile, in the AXIS OF EVIL headquarters…

GRAND MOFF QUAEDA: I really wish you’d reconsider, Princess. Just tell us where we can find the head of the United States war machine.

BLAIR: Never!

DARTH LADEN: Your powers of persuasion are nothing compared to the Dark Side.

GRAND MOFF QUAEDA: Yes yes, we’re all terribly impressed by the spooky Dark Side. You are the last of the Taliban Lords, your kind is extinct, your time is done. Now, Princess, if you won’t tell us what we want to know, there will be a small demonstration – we will destroy the World Trade Center!

BLAIR: No! It’s a civilian building filled with innocent people!

GRAND MOFF QUAEDA: Can you offer us another target, a military target?

BLAIR: The Pentagon! It’s in the Pentagon! Damn you!

GRAND MOFF QUAEDA: Very well. Suicide pilots, you have your orders.

BLAIR: Noooooo!

GRAND MOFF QUAEDA: Meh. The Pentagon is far too well-built to provide a suitable demonstration of our powers. The World Trade Center is a lot more impressive.

—

TO BE CONTINUED