Day 4. 28 pages, 10,329 words.
Wow, this turned out to be long. Sorry about that. Except, well, that’s a lie. I’m not sorry. Just read.
You know, it takes a lot to boot my social justice warrior machine into gear these days. As I’ve previously said, I disembarked from the outrage train when pseudofeminist crybabies ruined the comet landing for everybody over a goddamn T-shirt. Fuck you, pseudofeminist crybabies.
Well, I’m back on board, for a couple of stops. Because I’m angry now, about something that really isn’t my place to be angry about. I’m outraged on behalf of an injured demographic to which I don’t belong. I’m not much of a white knight – I’m really more of a dirty beige with coffee-ring highlights – but I’m suiting up.
It started earlier this weekend, during a Skype call with my parents. My mum and dad usually find some way to slip at least one reference to ISIS or terrorists or religious fundamentalism into our conversations. They mean well, and I understand that they’re worried and there’s nothing much they can do from half a planet away. And they are victims of today’s media, which feeds them nothing but fear and misinformation.
I want to make it as clear as possible that I don’t blame them for this. They’re good people and I love them. It’s just amusing, usually, how completely we have switched sides as we’ve grown older. I used to be the kid with the UFO books and the excited theories about how Area 51 was a big government cover-up, and they were the sensible ones with the reams of dull evidence making my life a little bit more boring, one crushed fantasy at a time. Now, they’re retired and bored and winding down towards death, and obviously their suspension of disbelief is shot from seventy-plus years of charging merrily along the pothole-riddled highway of life. Now they’re the ones blindly believing in things that are revealed as impossible with even the slightest critical thought, and I’m the one forced into the role of Captain Bringdown.
 This is not me talking. This is literally what they’re preparing for. Every time they send me some dire warning note about crazy people, they add the disclaimer “this isn’t going to be our problem, because we’re going to be dead”. You think I’m kidding. I’m not kidding.
Of course, my attempts to crack their thick candy shells don’t really work because they’ve already made up their minds about how things are, and I’m not going to get through to them now. So as angry as this latest bit of shittery has made me, I’m not stressing out too much about convincing them about it. There’s no point. And it’s not them I’m mad at. This is just where it started this time.
Anyway, this weekend’s Skype conversation was no exception. My folks told me to be careful, because Helsinki had reported a wave of sexual assaults over new year’s eve, similar to those that apparently occurred in Cologne, Germany. The incidents in Helsinki were described as “mob sexual assaults”, which is not at all wildly inaccurate and over-charged panic-inducing language. Finnish police apparently reported an “unusually high” number of sexual assaults.
Spoilers: There wasn’t.
That’s right, there were no Clockwork Orange-esque roving packs of well-organised refugee men out looking for women to harass. There were three reported assaults in the wider Helsinki area, which is as far as I know more or less standard. There was a big crowd in Senaatintori (the Senate square), including some foreign sorts, but there was no clear information on what happened there, who was involved, and not a single woman apparently mass-sexually-assaulted was approached to make a statement.
 At least since this sort of sleazy talk-and-grope activity actually became a reportable crime. More on that later.
 Actually this isn’t true – there were no incidents there either, and there were reports, but it’s all about what you choose to believe at this point. And what you choose to believe, as usual, depends on what sort of person you are. More on this later too.
So instead of on-the-scene safety officers and actual victims, we were gifted with a series of horrifically out-of-touch statements from Ilkka Koskimäki, the apulaispoliisipäällikkö (deputy chief of police), who described the imaginary incident as an “uusi seksuaalirikosilmiö”, a new sex crime phenomenon.
“…puistoissa ja kaduilla tapahtuneet seksuaalirikokset olivat Suomessa tuntemattomia ennen kuin 32,000 turvapaikanhakijaa saapui maahan viime vuonna,” he said. Sex crime incidents in parks and on the streets were unknown before 32,000 refugees arrived in the country last year. Please correct my translations if they’re out of line.
Yes. Ikkka Koskimäki said the thing. Why did you say the thing, Ilkka?
Furthermore, according to the bullshit clipping my parents forwarded to me, the police had been “tipped off” about “plans” by groups of asylum seekers to sexually harass women, presumably as molestation mobs. Which, obviously, didn’t actually happen.
The idea of groups of refugees making some sort of flash-mob-esque plan to “harass” women is patently ludicrous. It was amazing enough that a few of them were outside in the freezing weather we had over the new year period, let alone arranging mob-molestations together. Because the first thing these guys want to do after enduring the hardships of immigration is grab a coordinated group-handful of white-girl boob.
Yes, that was a fucking ludicrous image. The unquestioning, uncritical immediacy with which this image was accepted by some people, however, is nothing short of scary.
Of course, this isn’t to say nothing happened, and we should all turn a blind eye. Men say disgusting things to women, and grope women, and rape women. Shit, it happens all the time, and it’s a disgusting crime. Before Finland became as multicultural as it is now, it was generally Finnish men raping Finnish women. Now, as the population gains a percentage of foreigners, some of those foreigners are going to be doing this shit. And they need to be locked the fuck up when they do.
 And yes, women do the same to men.
That’s the actual response that needs to happen as a result of the issue, but that’s not the actual problem with this case. Because if it was just a matter of women being harassed by men, the solution would be clear and this would be a non-news event. Criminal commits crime, gets locked the fuck up. Dog bites man.
The problem is that Ilkka Koskimäki said the thing.
He said flat-out that this hasn’t happened before. Which even without any sort of data, I know is a lie. No, it’s more than a lie. It’s utter, blatant, society-destroying, toxic hatemongering.
My initial reaction was to scoff and say, “no way did the thing get said. I’m pretty sure Ilkka Koskimäki isn’t actually a real person. If this had happened, all the bigots on my Facebook feed would have been howling about the immigrants coming over here and copping our feels by now.”
Within twelve hours, however, I was proved wrong. Ilkka Koskimäki had said the thing, and my Facebook feed was howling. But not with the bigots. It was howling with the outrage and disbelief of the general public, who are even now not used to their public servants saying such utterly evil things. The majority of the outrage, rightly enough, was from Finnish women who have apparently missed the memo about being safe from wandering hands, sleazy remarks, and having the shit raped out of them between 15,000 B.C. and 2015 A.D., which was when 32,000 mob-molesting refugees arrived on our fair shores. At which point it suddenly became unsafe.
 Well, not beyond their usual background monosyllabic moron-grumble, anyway. It’s like Internet white noise.
 Indeed, the general reaction seems to just be a vast collective stare of disbelief from the sane Finnish population. I don’t know what expressions are on the faces of the rest, because they’re hidden by white pillowcases. But the general response from that quarter seems to be “yeah, grr, foreigners, kick them back to wherever they came from, nobody ever got raped here until foreigners showed up.”
I can’t even (literally), so here is the follow-up interview where Ilkka was – with a generosity I would not personally have extended – given the opportunity to uncunt. And opted to not take that opportunity.
“Mikä on uutta ja mistä se johtuu?”
“– Uutta on, että naisiin kohdistuu enemmän seksuaalista ahdistelua, johon liittyy seurantaa, eli kaverit lähtevät seuraamaan naisia, käyvät käsiksi ja suutelevat väkisin ja tekevät pahimmassa tapauksessa vakavia tekoja, mistä on tuomioitakin tullut.”
What’s new about this and where did it come from?
What’s new is that women are being harassed more, when they join a group, meaning men follow women, touching them and kissing them by force, along with other worse assaults…
Yes, that much is new, as a specific and labelled criminal act, because this is a new law. Before 2014, it wasn’t even illegal for men to pester women this way, because women should learn to like it, right? They should be flattered. Stuck-up bitches.
Okay, I’m being snide … but fuck it all.
Onhan Koskimäki sikäli oikeassa, että seksuaalinen ahdistelu on uusi rikosnimike. Se otetiin rikoslakiin vasta vuonna 2014 ja lain 20 luvun 5a § sanoo siitä näin:
Joka koskettelemalla tekee toiselle seksuaalisen teon, joka on omiaan loukkaamaan tämän seksuaalista itsemääräämisoikeutta, on tuomittava, jollei teosta muualla tässä luvussa säädetä rangaistusta, seksuaalisesta ahdistelusta sakkoon tai vankeuteen enintään kuudeksi kuukaudeksi.
Seksuaalinen ahdistelu on siis rikoksena uusi, mutta tekona vanhaa perua.
In short, sexual harassment is a new crime, but it’s not a new act. And it’s certainly not something we can lay at the feet of immigrants. Maybe Koskimäki was playing the interpretation game, and letting two unrelated statements create a causation clause in the public’s mind?
“Väitättekö, että näitä ei ole tapahtunut aikaisemmin ja tämä on uusi ilmiö?”
“– Se on uusi ilmiö, että ulkomaalaiset tekevät näitä. Kyllä se on täysin uusi ilmiö. Ei meillä ole tällaista ilmiötä aikaisemmin ollut.”
Are you saying these things didn’t happen before, that this is a new phenomenon?
It’s a new phenomenon, that foreigners are doing these things. Yes. We haven’t had these reports before.
Okay, so for a start, we’re not getting these reports now, either. We have some cops, and specifically just Koskimäki, saying this shit is happening, but nobody actually on the ground saying so. And no women reporting it either.
And again, yes – it might be new in terms of the demographics involved. Maybe. But if you try telling me Finnish men don’t get vocally aggressive, hands-on inappropriate and occasionally just turn into pack-raping animals, you are delusional. And you ought to thank me for using the nicest of many, many words I could have just used for what you actually are.
Now I feel I should say this again, for the crying Not Racist Butts: I am not suggesting sexual harassment, sexual assaults and rapes are not happening. Far from it. I’m sure people are being groped, called ugly names, and forced into having sex against their wills. I’m sure there are non-citizens of various origins guilty of these crimes. Lock them all up, as far as I’m concerned. Fucking castrate them with a pair of half-bricks, as far as I’m concerned. In fact, when it comes to refugees committing rape, by all means let’s send them back to their burning death-hole if we can prove their guilt. But if we do that, we sure as shit better also be gulaging Finns who are guilty of these crimes. Or just plain shooting them in the face and dumping them in a landfill. I have no objection to this.
 And again, I am being way too nice to them. They ought to thank me.
 Assuming they’re men. As mentioned (for the Not Sexist Butts), women can also be guilty of sex crimes.
Finnish men – and Finnish women – are no more or less evil than any other human beings, and they commit crimes. This is nothing new.
“Eli väitättekö, että esimerkiksi suomalaiset miehet eivät ole tällaista aikaisemmin tehneet?”
” – Meillä on asianomistajat näissä kaikissa törkeissä raiskaustapauksissa kuvailleet kaikki tekijät ulkomaalaisiksi. Se on faktaa, mistä kerrottiin jo silloin tiedotustilaisuudessa. Se on huolestuttavaa. Toivon, että ei tulisi mitään ristiriitaa, vaan meidän tarkoitus on vain tuoda ne faktat esille, emme ota kantaa mihinkään. Meidän on vain huolehdittava kaupungin turvallisuudesta, ja kerrottava ihmisille asiat niin kuin ne ovat.”
So you’re saying that, for example, Finnish men haven’t been guilty of these acts in the past?
We have … [evidence of responsibility?] that all of these acts were committed by foreigners. It is a fact that I related at the last briefing. It is worrying. I hope it doesn’t precipitate things, our intention is just to present the facts, without prejudice. Our only concern is civic safety, and we have to relate information as it stands.
This is where I really hope my translation is bad. Because it’s, you know, a lie.
“Miesjoukon lisäksi lavan edessä oli kuitenkin nuoria, teini-ikäisiä tyttöjä. Heistä kaksi tai kolme jäi konsertin jälkeen paikalle ja näytti kalpeilta ja järkyttyneiltä. Heitä oli ilmeisesti ahdisteltu, työnnetty kättä haaroväliin ja rintoihin.
“Lisäksi oli yksi, arviolta 14-vuotias tyttö, joka oli yksin ison miesjoukon keskellä. Hänet järjestyksenvalvojat siirsivät sivuun tilanteesta hänen oman turvallisuutensa takia. Tyttö itse olisi mielellään jäänyt”, Ketonen kertoo.”
Above: The security head at Senaatintori, Ville Ketonen, reports what seems to have actually happened on new year’s eve. Specifically, there was a big crowd and no sexual incidents that the on-the-scene security detail noticed. They followed the situation in the Senate square closely, and nothing untoward occurred. There were a thousand-odd people in the square, including a few hundred refugees. In front of the stage were 30-50 men in a group (ethnicity not clarified, but sure, let’s assume “foreign”) that got a bit ‘restless’. There was some shoving and mouthing off, but nothing bad enough to have the guys forcibly ejected from the square.
 Also known as the ones from whom Ilkka claimed to have heard the thing.
Now, should they have been booted? Maybe. If we’re talking sexual harassment and assault that is normally tolerated by the Good Ole Boys of Finnish law enforcement, sure. Boot them all, regardless of skin colour. Also, half-bricks. Gonads. Whatever. This doesn’t seem to have been serious enough to qualify. And this is what we know.
Ketonen also says they kept a particularly close eye on the group, which also seems professional and sensible, but that they didn’t seem “harassey”. There were young teen girls in the crowd. After the concert two or three of these remained behind and seemed shaken. They’d apparently been harassed, pawed, boob-grabbed. Which is shitty and I want those responsible to be charged. Absolutely.
There was also a lone girl of about fourteen years of age who was alone in the middle of the big group of men. Security escorted her to the edge of the crowd for her own safety, but she seemed happy and it appeared as though she would have been happy enough to stay where she’d been. Which doesn’t sound all that horrifying.
All in all, a normal new year’s eve. Ketonen says he was confused when he heard Ilkka say the thing. Which is understandable, because I’m also confused that Ilkka said the thing.
“Itse vähän hämmästyin siitä poliisin lausunnosta. Minun tietooni ei ole tullut laajamittaista ahdistelua. En voisi mennä oikeuteen sanomaan, että sellaista on ollut.”
I’m a little shocked at the police statement. To my knowledge there was no widespread harassment. I couldn’t go [on the record? Testify in court?] and say there was any.
Ketonen did mention that it was unusual for group-harassment to happen, but I think “group harassment” is one thing and “taking advantage of a huge group to cop a feel” is another. And I don’t think the latter is anything even remotely new. And it doesn’t seem as though there is any evidence of anything but the latter happening.
 “Kyseessä oli selvästi porukka eikä irralliset yksittäistapaukset. Aiemmin olen törmännyt senkaltaiseen limudiskoissa, jossa on koolla 13–17 -kesäisistä pojista koostuvia porukoita. Nyt uutta oli se, että kyseessä olivat aikuiset miehet.” This was a group-case and not an isolated incident. Earlier, I’ve encountered incidents at underage events, where a group of 13-to-17-year-old boys act up. Now we’re talking about grown men, which is new. Yeah. Or, you know, those young Finnish lads are now all grown up, and think this shit is okay because boys will be boys.
So why did Ilkka say the thing?
Well, could be because he’s a pathetic attention-whore. There’s always that. I watched the police statement video and he really did seem to want that spotlight. But let’s pretend there is another explanation, and it’s not as simple as “Ilkka said the thing because of massive brain damage” or “Ilkka said the thing because he somehow has no females in his family and has never met one outside of the porno movies he likes to watch.”
No. This – at best – comes across as just another sad, sad case of Finland “me too”-ing other places in Europe in a desperate, misplaced bid for attention and camaraderie. Finland is the unpopular kid in school who does obnoxious, dickish things because the popular kids do them, and it always ends up going badly. And this travesty is no exception, because the fucking xenophobe party got involved.
The whole situation is extremely suspect. There’s something really weird going on with how the police handled and responded to the whole thing, and I have no doubt it is down to the True Finn agenda playing its part. A week ago, as dispirited as I was about the growing hatred of foreigners in this country, I would have said that was conspiracy theory bullshit. But how does somebody in authority even start to make a statement like this? He hasn’t explained himself. He hasn’t explained why he said the thing. He’s straight-up said that the harassment of women is a new phenomenon in Finland. New, since the refugees arrived.
 Yeah, makes me feel great when my so-called friends and family talk about the threat of foreigners. I’m a foreigner, you arseholes. Oh, you can compartmentalise good foreigners from bad ones, and I’m a good one? That’s so brilliant! How are you doing that exactly? No, don’t tell me, I don’t actually want to hear the answer. It’s probably the same way you compartmentalise good rapists from bad ones.
I can assure you, even a white cis male like me knows it is not a new thing. A lot of it happens with the benefit of alcohol, which is at least something you’re not going to be able to lay at the feet of our new Muslim countrymen.
I’m sorry. I know this is a lot of words. I’m just angry about this.
See, I could almost understand Ilkka saying the thing – almost – if Ilkka had meant that sexual assault and harassment were a new phenomenon from this specific source. Because yes, there hasn’t been this number and concentration of men from this specific demographic in Finland before. Even one case of shitty behaviour from one refugee would be new.
But Ilkka, there are 32,000 refugees. You said that yourself, in the process of saying the thing. How many of them are committing mob-molestation? Because at the moment, it seems to be pretty close to zero.
So why, at the risk of repeating myself, did you say the thing?
Finnish ladies, Finnish blokes, tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I’m out of line and am barking up the wrong tree. It’s way less effort for me not to bark. Just say the word.
I, unlike Ilkka, am perfectly willing and able to stop saying the thing.
On top of this, we have the Sons of Odin. But I don’t have the energy for that shit today.