Day 49. 160 pages, 74,558 words. Shitty day yesterday.
Yesterday, Mrs. Hatboy and I sat down to watch what turned out to be, I think, the worst movie I may ever have seen.
Now I know what you’re thinking: That’s a bold motherfuckin’ claim there, Hatboy! You’ve seen some real clangers in your time, and usually had something good to say about them in at least some way! This, I have to see!
So let me stop you there, and tell you that you have the wrong idea.
See, when bloggers – and the Internet in general – talk about bad movies, there’s almost always some dramatic sense of humour to the accusation. Movies like Plan 9 From Outer Space, Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, Batman and Robin, and – yes – Zardoz, they’re all terrible movies in their own way. But they’re spectacularly bad. You might regret seeing them, but in a lot of cases you will also take a certain pleasure in giving them your “Worst. Movie. Ever.”-treatment, and encourage your friends to watch them too, just to laugh at how cringe-inducingly bad they are.
There are the “so bad it’s good” movies, and the “so bad it’s bad” movies … and then there is 2005’s Slipstream.
We picked Slipstream out of our Netflix lineup because it had Sean Astin and Vinnie Jones in it.
Because how can a movie with Samwise Gamgee and … Vinnie Jones in it be bad?
It also had a cool-sounding premise including a time machine that can jump you back in time ten minutes only, and a bunch of bank robbers. How can you go wrong?
And yes, Netflix gave it one star based on our previous choices of movies and the scores we’d given them. But we figured what the heck, they’d been wrong before. We had to correct Netflix when they gave Slither one star instead of five, after all, and when they gave Sharknado 2 one star instead of eight. So we decided to give it a go.
What occurred after this, in Mrs. Hatboy’s own words, was a waste of our precious, dwindling time on this good green Earth. “I knew after ten minutes that it was a waste of time,” she said, “but what are you going to do at that point? Not watch the next hour and a half of it?”
She makes, I feel, an excellent point.
Also in the movie, a giant tongue. No, I’m just kidding. That might have been cool.
Featuring possibly the most poorly-thought-out and inconsistent time-travel mechanism ever put to film, combined with an atrocious wannabe-artistic Guy-Ritchie-style filming and editing style and a script that should have been a war crime, this movie was just … mediocre, in every way. It wasn’t hilariously bad. It wasn’t obnoxiously bad. It was just bland, and dull, and disjointed, and nonsensical – and not funny nonsensical, just pointless.
 I’m not kidding. It was in a mobile phone thing, and it could take you back ten minutes, approximately, but certainly not more than ten minutes, and anything you were touching also went back with you so it was essentially a matter replicator as well and that was the beginning of the premise of the movie because Astin was withdrawing money and then going back in time and withdrawing money again even though serial numbers, and so if people are touching each other when the phone goes off they all go back and remember otherwise they don’t, and then something about being in a plane, cell phone towers, able to go back further in time, everybody lives. And yes, I am spoiling this movie in the forlorn hope that you will take a hint and not waste your time on it.
 Although even this is giving it too much credit. This script should have been a war misdemeanour. A war misunderstanding. Something like that.
None of the characters seemed to give a shit about each other, even though there were at least two cases of spousal death. The writer and director must have some serious emotional issues. All in all, the movie just got more and more ghastly until, finally, it ended.
Pictured (right to left): movie viewer just trying to survive; Vinnie Jones, unfazed because he got paid a ton of cash to play himself again; stewardess saving us all way too late.
Avoid this movie. Or don’t. I hereby relinquish all responsibility.