Wolfcop

Third in our series of “crazy” movies was Wolfcop, which I expected to be something like Teen Wolf with a bit of buddy-cop movie thrown in. I wasn’t disappointed.

Wolfcop!

I can do no worse than simply putting one of the movie posters up at this point. It perfectly encapsulates everything that was great about this movie.

We begin our story in a Stephen King-esque horrible little town where basically everyone seems to be a jerk. Unfortunately, they didn’t really do much with this premise[1], opting instead to make a film that fitted into Mr. Fahrenheit’s “crazy” paradigm. Anyway, there was this nasty little town, with what looked like three cops: pressure-infuriated Chief; over-achieving cop-of-the-month Tina[2]; and Lou[3], the barfly.

[1] Unless you count the revelation of the indeterminate number of people who’d been running the town all these years as some sort of explanation. Which I didn’t. Well, call it a half-explanation. I think they could have done more with the back-story, but what are you gonna do? This movie wasn’t called Small Town With A Cool Miasma Of Abiding Evil. It was called Wolfcop. They made their bed.

[2] I was a little surprised to see that the police station actually had an “employee of the month” plaque to hammer home just how thoroughly Tina was trouncing Lou. Do police stations have “employee of the month” plaques? I guess they can.

[3] Lou Garou, as Mr. Fahrenheit pointed out – in case there was any doubt which character was about to become a freakin’ werewolf.

So that’s the scene. Lou turns up to work late, then goes on his patrols as far as the local bar where he sits himself down and gets hammered for the rest of the day. Then he wakes up hungover, and repeats the whole thing again. Chief yells. Tina does her job. You get the picture.

Things take a turn for the hilarious when, one night while hammered, Lou winds up being used in an occult ritual. Turns out there are these shape-shifting lizard people who create a werewolf every thirty-one years, then drain its blood during the eclipse and use it to live forever. It’s not much, put it’s a plan.

Normipäivää.

One morning, Lou wakes up with a pentagram carved on his chest, and then promptly forgets it was there for the whole rest of the movie. Lou calls this “Tuesday”.

Hilarity ensues (another recurring theme of the movie marathon) when Lou begins transforming into a werewolf but – due to the masses of alcohol in his system – manages to retain his cop personality and even become more focussed and dedicated to the pursuit of justice. Which sort of makes sense when you think of a wolf’s predatory instinct and what an absolutely shocking cop Lou was in the first place.

There’s a certain amount of conspiracy-nut entertainment, and a borderline creepy sex scene (I won’t say what side of the border it winds up on), and of course a lot of hilarious dismemberment-heavy fight scenes.

Fur is murder. Come on!

I also found this picture while searching Google. What it needs is a PETA “fur is murder” slogan. You’re welcome, Wolfcop 2. I’m basically doing your job for you.

Lou goes on to pimp his police car brilliantly, and of course winds up Blowing the Lid off the Whole Thing. Which he manages to do in spite of the shape-shifting lizard people, because of the sweet, sweet booze.

Hank McCoy falls off the wagon.

In this picture, Beast from X-Men really lets himself go.

I have to admit to being a little bit disappointed in the whole structure of the movie, although I feel like seven kinds of jackass even writing this. As I mentioned, the small-town premise was really cool and creepy at the start, and then the shape-shifting lizard people premise was also a nice set-up for the reason Lou became a werewolf. But they didn’t really do anything with it. And all the main characters basically turned out to be the same small group of shape-shifters? Lame.

Lou actually lampshades one of the most stupid problems with the concept – “you’re immortal shape-shifters and all you do is run this shitty little town?”[4] – but that doesn’t exactly help what could have been a really cool movie, but instead seemed to settle for being a mildly cool movie. Mildly cool, and very funny – sure. I’ll cop to that. Although I was drunk.

[4] And in response, the head shape-shifting lizard person implies the plot goes All The Way To The Top … but apparently they’re okay with just being in this shitty little town. Maybe Wolfcop 2 will deal with this and fix a lot of the issues.

Plenty of fun to be had here, and I have high hopes for the buddy-cop aspect taking off more in the sequel. Which is apparently a thing. Lou is a funny character and this is the first time I have seen the “I can’t remember anything, what did I do last night?” element of drunkenness linked up to the werewolf rampage amnesia phenomenon. Which, you have to wonder, might have been one of the sources of the myth in the first place. Very fun.

There was also a Google image of Wolfcop’s initial transformation’s starting point, but you need to see go and look for that yourself. I can’t be putting it up on this blog. Let’s just say that when it comes to nasty dick stuff, we’re now three-for-three and well played, Mr. Fahrenheit.

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10 Responses to Wolfcop

  1. aaronthepatriot says:

    LOL here in murrica, EVERY place of employment has an employee of the month! And a *more* predatory cop? I shudder to think how many black lives wouldn’t matter if that were truly the case.

  2. dreameling says:

    Agreed on plot and structure. But this movie had such good individual scenes and beats in it, mostly of the laugh-out-loud bonkers kind. Lou’s buddy especially was a highlight. (His sometimes awesome ad-libby dialogue actually reminded me a bit of the two truck drivers from Zombeavers.)

    And that bursting penis, dude.

    • stchucky says:

      Yeah, Higgins was pretty damn funny. Ultimately disappointing, like I said, in the direction his character went – and won’t be in the sequel as a result, unless something dramatic happens – but he had some great lines.

      The whole “capturing the transformation on film” scene was so random and bizarre, it worked. Tina walks in and just doesn’t even react.

  3. dreameling says:

    Perhaps we should just let Mr. Fahrenheit choose our fare from now on. He clearly knows how to pick ’em.

  4. Blanket says:

    Why thank you Timo!

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