Zombeavers

Our second movie in the “crazy” marathon was … okay, again, what else can I say about this once I have written the movie’s name?

Zombeavers is the heart-warming tale of a group of college kids who go to a cabin in the woods and have sex and go swimming and then fall afoul of a murderous random phenomenon. All the great characters are represented here, and all the classic slasher behavioural tropes, and the story unfolds like…

You know what? If you haven’t seen The Cabin in the Woods, you need to see it. So you can then watch Zombeavers and pretend The Cabin in the Woods is happening. It won’t make the movie any less hilarious or any more bearable to watch – it’s quite funny and gory enough to stand on its own two feet and giant flat slappy tail – but it will lend the whole concept an extra epic spice that will give you that much more enjoyment.

The movie opens – and closes – with a brilliantly philosophical and freeform discussion between a pair of characters who really only exist to make the opening and closing plot points happen. And it’s fantastic.

Hilarious but pointless, this movie in a nutshell.

I had just enough alcohol and snacks to be pretty sure I would have happily watched an entire movie of just these two driving around. But I’m glad there was a bit more to it.

Then we have the standard bio-hazardous material being forced on some innocuous creatures and turning them into monsters. And then the college kids copping it right in the face. In this case, it was beavers for no real reason beyond the surface-level “beavers are hilarious” justification, and the goop turned them into … yeah.

Exactly what it says on the ... box?

Zombeavers: Delivers exactly what it promises on the … box?

Hilarity ensued, inevitably. The zombeavers chewed up a bunch of people and tunnelled their way into the house and oh yeah, their bites and scratches seemed to turn people (and bears! Bears!) into beaver monsters. And there was more hilarity as a result.

There were also plenty of ‘beaver’ jokes. If you can think of a joke about the female anatomy, wood-chewing, or basically anything else related to beavers, chances are it was in this movie.

Plot hole!

I had something of a suspension of disbelief gripe with this scene, as the severed limb should have been chewed off beaver-style. But okay, maybe that only applies to standing trees in order to make them fall down using the woodcutting wedge method. Maybe it doesn’t happen with feet. We just don’t know. Science.

In the end, what we had here was plain and simple. Splatter comedy at its … not its finest, but at its most classic. This was a B movie to stand proud at the back of the shelf with all the others. A concept so hideously juvenile, it couldn’t help but win. After all, if you’re going to fall victim to every college-kids-in-the-woods cliché in the book, you might as well chew up the book and have fun with it.

Predictably enough, there was no great acting in this – although as mentioned, those guys in the opening and closing scenes were funny. Everyone put in a solid performance, clearly enjoying themselves and fully aware that they were taking part in a cinematic statistic. Full points to all of them for playing their roles with gusto. And additional points for the blooper reel, which served to hammer this point home.

The eight or nine guys who played Smyth also seemed to be having fun with it. Sorry, that was a bit of an in-joke.

We also end up with two-for-two graphic penis-biting-off scenes in the movie marathon so far, as well as bizarre transformations into human-animal hybrids. So, points to Mr. Fahrenheit for sticking to the theme.

Wrecked beaver.

That’s one wrecked beaver. Sorry.

Well worth a watch if you are immature and easily entertained and preferably also under the influence of some drug or other. Absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of harmless gory idiocy. If you consider your time and money a bit more valuable, however[1], you may want to consider watching something else. Anything else. Well, anything else but the movies we watched in the course of this marathon. Don’t ask me for tips. You already know my taste is appalling.

[1] I’m not sure how much I would actually pay for a movie experience like this, but if you figure we watched four movies, and it cost me a couple of bus/train tickets to get to Mr. Fahrenheit’s house, and we bought booze and snacks and I had a couple of Whoppers on my way there, then divide all that by four … I wouldn’t pay that much.

So that was Zombeavers. It delivered everything it promised, and a bear. So I call it a win.

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2 Responses to Zombeavers

  1. dreameling says:

    This movie had like so many levels. Definitely a win.

    Well worth a watch if you are immature and easily entertained and preferably also under the influence of some drug or other.

    And also in good company. I would probably not watch a movie like this by myself.

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