This is why I don’t give my feminism free rein

Day 22. 58 pages, 28,201 words.

The Zoologically Accurate Spider-Man, issue #4,200,000,077.

Issue #4,200,000,077.

This month in The Zoologically Accurate Spider-Man:

Spider-Man wakes to find himself reduced to approximately 7” in height, and robbed of every superpower he ever possessed except for one: the ability to make gargantuan, horrifying flesh-mound Spider-Woman briefly want to tolerate being fucked by him slightly more than she wants to eat him!

The Cooper Gang is back in town, but that’s really pretty irrelevant because everyone is too piss-scared of Spider-Woman to even think about breaking the law. In New York City there is only one law: I AM SPIDER-WOMAN, THY COLOSSAL BLUBBERY GODDESS!

While a miniscule and feeble Spider-Man struggles to overpower a medium-sized schoolyard bully through the entire first act, all while commuting on public transport due to the fact that he can no longer even make web, Spider-Woman shits out an enormous super-complicated hammock of death for herself and then just lies back and eats motherfucking cream pies while she waits for hapless criminals to ensnare themselves and die in abject struggling terror for her amusement.

And now, it will take every scrap of Spidey’s willpower and endurance to scale the vast spandex slopes of his lady love’s sumptuous, obscenely fertile rump! And every scrap of his audacity and cunning to distract her with some inordinately-hard-won gift-wrapped bank robbers! And every scrap of his gag reflex control to quickly rub out a load of come while she is busy smooshing the fuck out of the poor bastards with her mighty she-jowls and drinking their bodily fluids like a Goddamn thickshake oh my sweet, sweet Jesus Christ our saviour!

Discerning readers will notice this is the same essential plot as the previous 4,200,000,076 monthly issues of The Zoologically Accurate Spider-Man. This is because basically the formula works, so why change it? SPIDER-WOMAN! ALL SHALL GAZE UPON HER AND DESPAIR!

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy.
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7 Responses to This is why I don’t give my feminism free rein

  1. stchucky says:

    PS. The issue usually ends the same way too: Spider-Woman excretes an enormous pulsating bag of horror, filled with hundreds and hundreds of little Spider-Men and Spider-Women, who then kill and eat each other until there’s only a couple left. Whether these siblings then become the protagonists in the next issue, or if this horror story is being repeated in other cities around the world, is left to the nightmare-addled imaginations of the readers.

  2. stchucky says:

    This has actually been done brilliantly for Spider-Man, if not for Spider-Woman:

  3. aaronthepatriot says:

    I feel horrible for nodding and laughing along with this “realistic” tale. Let us not confuse our poor children with fantasy! Kudos to you, sir, for setting the record straight!

  4. Pingback: Bonus post: Once Upon A Deadpool | Hatboy's Hatstand

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