Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles delivers exactly what it promised

An abysmal, abysmal movie.

Wait for the DVD, or better yet, just wait for the Everything Wrong With parodies that should be on their way. Even going into this movie thinking “the old movies were pretty damn bad, don’t expect this to be any better and besides, you only ever really got into the Turtles toys when you were a kid, not the cartoon or movies anyway” didn’t adequately prepare me.

Shocking writing, gaping plot holes, nonsensical characters, inconsistent in-universe laws of physics, 6-foot turtles who apparently weigh hundreds and hundreds of tons and can throw shipping containers when it doesn’t serve the plot for them to be weaker … this movie has it all. The only good thing about it was hanging out with my friends and eating Whoppers beforehand.

Okay, I’m being a little unfair. Here’s some of the up-sides to the movie:

1) Cute shout-outs to original live-action movies of the ’90s, like Splinter getting a slice of pizza in the face, and the cartoon series of the ’80s, like the TMNT-theme car horn at the end.

2) Some witty banter. Some. Michelangelo basically carried the movie in this regard, as per usual … but you expect a certain amount of witty banter in an action movie, and what we got wasn’t really enough to count as an up-side unless I’m being extremely charitable.

3) Will Arnett (Batman in The Lego Movie) having his car destroyed by the Turtles’ “bass”. That was funny.

That’s about it. I know some people were pretty happy with the look of the Turtles themselves, and the way they were choreographed and rendered. Others (for example Mrs. Hatboy, who blessedly did not come to watch this movie with me) were dead-set against them. I was neutral in this regard, I didn’t object to them and I wasn’t overwhelmed by them. As a re-imagining, they were pretty fun in a steampunk / sewerpunk sort of way. Donatello (my favourite, I actually had a pet turtle[1] named Donatello when I was a kid) maybe didn’t need to be quite so massive a geek-stereotype, but whatever. They looked okay. Actually, I hate to say it but they looked more real than Megan Fox, who seems to be surgically transforming herself into Michael Jackson as we speak.

[1] It was in fact one of these, a Southwestern snake-necked turtle, and like pretty much every animal in Australia that isn’t a cat, rat or cane toad, it’s protected. Wikipedia describes them as “near-threatened”, I know that technically we weren’t allowed to keep them as pets. Donatello was awesome, though.

It says something that the biggest laughs seemed to be coming from the four or five people in the audience (of perhaps twelve people in total) who hadn’t seen the trailer. And the only “plot twist” in the movie was spoiled in the trailer too.

And the less said about the acting, the better. Arnett did his best, but the movie was definitely carried by the Turtles themselves. Which I suppose is as it should be. It was a fun night out, and a few laughs but I’m afraid just not an enjoyable movie for me. I wouldn’t demand my €10 back (that would be stupid), but paying that price definitely entitles me to lay out my criticisms.


That’s better. No, literally, this is better.

In happier news, IMDB and other sources finally seem to be reasonably sure a Deadpool movie is going to happen. I’ll still believe it when I see it, but here’s to hoping it’s not a giant screw-up.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
This entry was posted in Hatboy's Movie Extravaganza and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles delivers exactly what it promised

  1. Pingback: Mega Movie Weekend | Hatboy's Hatstand

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s