The Ramen Burger, Part II

I looked down at the menu in mute shock.

Ramen Burger …………………….. $9.50

If you’ll just call it what it is – a noodle burger – the very fact that this thing was on the menu was enough to make me forget the flat lemonade getting warm in front of me, made me forget why I was even in the Quantum Strings Mall with Yool, the sanity-drainingly buff Christmas tree who has been here the whole time, in the first place.

This was a noodle burger.

Now, see, I make noodle burgers at home. I’m really quite good at them, although Creepy will have a minor quibble with the terminology I have just used, and would prefer I said “I’m a war criminal in the kitchen, with noodles.” Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

What you do is, you cook noodles. Then you cut open a bread roll, put tomatoes on one side and mayonnaise on the other, and then you put your noodles in a bowl and take the whole lot over to the couch and start watching television. The television is an important part of this meal. I would recommend a book, but you can’t really read a book while eating a noodle burger. Unlike a Whopper, a noodle burger requires both hands.

Then you fork in as much noodle as you can safely contain in the roll, and you squeeze it shut. And then you eat it, and congratulate yourself on making such a delicious snack.

I honestly don’t see what the big deal is.

I was still staring at the menu, not really seeing it, lost in a mildly-rapturous reverie about the public acceptance and mainstreaming of the noodle burger and how outraged Creepy was going to be when I told him about it, when the waitress showed up to take my order.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy.
This entry was posted in Creepy and Hatboy Save the World and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s