The Onion: Screw Everybody Outside the USA

Day 38. 97 pages, 44,193 words.

So, this happened.

Fuck you, Onion.

Seriously.

Now make no mistake here. I am not complaining about these guys charging money. The Onion produces works of great modern satire and although I would not pay a regular subscription for something so hit-and-miss when there is so much equal-to or greater-than the Onion out there absolutely free of charge, it in no way diminishes their wit. This isn’t your run-of-the-mill complaining from an over-privileged reader used to getting a good thing for free, now being forced to pay and not liking it.

Well, I guess that’s exactly what it is, but oh well.

It’s a bit tacky offering a free service to USians but making the rest of the world pay. Isn’t it? What’s that all about? That’s bullshit is what that is. If you want to charge, put your money where your popularity is and charge everyone. Do you think your readership will drop? No fucking kidding it’ll drop, genius.

Meanwhile, people can still link pages to me and I get the headline and teaser, but then when I  try to read it, I get cock-blocked. And even if I did subscribe, what would be the point of my linking funny stories up and trying to share them with other people if I knew they would just be going out to people[1] who couldn’t read them and would get as annoyed as I am? Well fuck you, I won’t read it or share it at all then.

[1] Fun fact: People outside the USA often have non-USian friends. As a matter of fact, in 2014, USians often have non-USian friends. Although sometimes the USA does not make this fucking easy.

Plus, I buy Onion books and Onion merchandise. A single Onion book retails for about $12, which is approximately a year’s worth of subscription I have paid for just buy buying your hardcopy. How about next time, you give buyers a subscription code that entitles them to your website’s free and unlimited service whenever they buy something from you? Then they can enter the code into the subscription field and you can take your pop-ups and go fuck yourselves with them.

And no, I’m not upset about the “ha ha, the non-USA world be so barbaric and fascist” tone of the pop-up itself. It’s amusing on multiple levels (including, but not limited to, its massive and surely-intentional hypocrisy). It does serve to lampshade the dickishness of asking me to pay for something just because I’m not a USian, but I don’t ignore a dickishness just because it’s lampshaded.

Well, you’re hardly going to listen to me anyway. Just wanted to say, Onion:

Yes you are.

You heard me. Vicariously through Uncle George.

Anyway, all’s well that ends well. A buddy of mine (I need to add that it was none other than my boy Mick, erstwhile owner of the original Hero Quest game I longed to play throughout my childhood) showed me that an incognito window opened in Google Chrome will stop this bullshittery in its tracks and allow me to read the Onion again. Which is worth doing just as an extra fuck-you to them.

Still rather more effort than I’m interested in going to for their articles, though. Most of the time.

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