My dear daughter Toop got the Varpajaiset she deserved on Saturday night. Now, I write this intro purely as it happened, at about 1 in the morning after the party ended – yes, it finished pretty early – and will add the rest later. But it was a grand old party.
The warm, welcoming glow of Bar Äijä’s.
Your varpajaiset, and I accept this explanation is not going to help the English-speakers much but it is what it is. I don’t know or care much about it myself. It’s a celebration of having a kid, and only male family members and friends are supposed to be invited, and if it is a male baby then there is supposed to be some whiskey and cigars. I decided quite early on that it was my bar, so I would invite females if I wanted to, and also there would be cigars, regardless.
Google Images gave me this for “Wetting the Baby’s Head”, which is what I think this whole thing translates as:
Prince William should apparently have been involved. Also, does that woman have a gun to the baby’s head? And if so, why is her face not blurred instead of the baby’s? Why even blur a baby’s face? What is this? I’m still drunk.
Actually, from the search results above, there seems to be a recurring drink:
This drink, bloggies. Bring it to me! I’m still drunk.
So, let’s get this done.
The party was fantastic, a pure Bar Äijä’s classic with no real acrimony or unpleasantness. Virva didn’t even hardly get into a fight at all, and it wasn’t just because a) she’d slipped the fuck out of her rotator cuff and b) the only Itkonens present were polite and inoffensive. I think overall there was just a good vibe.
The party started with modest handicrafts, as the first arrivals helped finish assembly of our couch-bed.
The new couch then became Baby Central.
Da Äijä, Baarimikko and Lanttumies hang at the bar.
There was also, fittingly enough, something of a next-generation theme, with numerous babies and small children underfoot throughout the night. Indeed, one of the Last Men Standing was none other than Young Miss “Wump” Hatboy, who came to the bar on numerous occasions and placed orders, such as “blackcurrant juice”, “water in a small plastic lid” and “sausages and cheese”.
“I want one of those,” she seemed to say.
There were Karasjärvis.
And children of all ages.
Wump had been taken to the aquarium by a few of the Roleplayers that afternoon for a spot of Live-Action Role Playing in the genre of Taking A Kid To The Aquarium. It had been a resounding success and Wump had been her usual amazingly well-behaved self.
I don’t even know if I’m being sarcastic anymore. But Zach had all the babies he could cuddle. And he’s actually way more thrilled and impressed than he looks here, as you can see from other shots.
Hena, Mrs. Hatboy, and Karoliina pay respects to the Varpajaiset Girl.
The bar was soon packed, in spite of my disastrous invitation failure and the Facebook-dependent nature of the communications process.
Standing room only at Bar Äijä’s.
Now, call it currying favour if you will, but I feel obliged to award the joint Best on Ground to none other than this blog’s own dreameling. OH YES. No no, hear me out. He consulted the drinks list and ordered a broad selection of shots and, maybe once or twice by accident, cocktails (he said he wasn’t a big drinker and I guess that was quite literal: he drank an impressive amount, in very small glasses). Actually I felt a bit bad for him after a while because everything he ordered was a shot and he probably could have used an actual drink. But he shot like a hero. And he ordered an “Äijä” (don’t ask what it is, if you order one you have to drink it), and he drank it because that’s the rule. And he walked out unassisted. Although Mister Fahrenheit (hereinafter The Booze Whisperer) was with him so he may have had help.
And that brings me to the other joint Best on Ground. The Booze Whisperer made a magical and wondrous appearance, and invented a new shot (his previous great success, the Dagobah, has been immortalised on the Bar Äijä’s drinks menu. Not sure if this new one will end up on the roster, it may require some work but let’s see what the 6×6 Party brings in May. The shot was called Get To Da Chopah, and included steamy-jungley melon liqueur, thirdy-worldy tequila, Arnie-oily Amaretto, and a Predator-laser of Grenadine.
The Booze Whisperer works his magic, Baarimikko just reverently does his bidding.
The Get To Da Chopah takes shape.
GET TO DA CHOPAH! (Note: In background, pulped fresh ginger for another popular shot for the night, the surprising, refreshing, non-alcoholic Jaffa Kree.)
All in all, an interesting night for the drinks-pourer, as plenty of the alcoholic and non-alcoholic options were consumed and greatly enjoyed. The new additions were approved and Happy Baarimikko was vindicated in his hideous, hideous creativity.
In this shot, you see Bella enjoying a Jolt-o, which is technically alcohol-free but also includes cola, energy drink, and several coffee beans.
Actually, Bella enjoyed the Jolt-o so much, she later had a double. As you can see from the photo above, Vuta looked on in approval and later thanked me sincerely by not punching me in the face. Although he did sort of crash out on the couch so maybe he could have had a Jolt-o himself, I don’t know.
Or he could have left it to his son to punch me in the face, but Walder was too busy out-drinking his old man to be bothered with anything as pointless as punching his weird foreign uncle.
At least one Tequila Funrise was also consumed.
We also experimented with a few new “Brain” shots, and the Bloody Brain suggested by Ms. Tor was certainly a great success.
I hereby award Sir Vainikka with the Iron Cross of Come At Me Bro, for actually managing to squeeze into the bar’s chain mail. And then managing to get out of it again without slipping a disc.
And doing so in a Stormtrooper shirt and that hat: Genius.
The night went on and there was much revelry. Pizzas arrived.
Lots and lots and lots of pizzas.
And OH LOOK, this seems to be the same picture from the other camera.
People laughed at the amount of pizza, but we ate almost all of them – indeed, if the party had maintained numbers for another hour, I think we would have finished them all.
Also coming soon to Bar Äijä’s: The Äijä’s Adorable Tea House.
The Booze Whisperer underwent a strange and hilarious transformation.
“The change … I can feel it…”
And, for some reason, he became a meme.
Introducing “Misleading Janne”.
Last Man Standing Award goes to Mr. Chris Helenius, after missing the last bus out of Sotunki he came on back and we had a good long chat about George RR Martin set against the backdrop of I don’t know, randomly squealing infants, not sure what that was all about, something about the reason for this whole party.
Honorable mentions to the Linzitkoblooms for preparing a fucking bizarre interpretation on the jello shot / edible shot glass. They were delicious, with any number of different shots poured into them (the Hawkins’s delicious cherry Jim Beam, and the classic Squashed Frog, being favourites). We couldn’t get them out of their moulds, so ended up having to just eat the whole lot with spoons (although Misleading Janne did explore more disgusting methods), but they were fantastic.
I asked for it, I got it.
I must also thank the Lanttumies for providing Cubans, and for having the only Prairie Dog of the night, although plenty of Jaffa Krees were had. I hope nobody involved is too sore today.
Well, that’s about it. Watch this space for more hilarity.