Curiosity discovers evidence of crappy-mosaic-making life on Mars

NASA’s Curiosity rover has found compelling evidence that the red planet once supported life-forms capable of making “pretty shit mosaic,” the Mars Science Laboratory found earlier this week.


The mosaic, estimated at 3.7 billion years old, was mismatched and poorly assembled, made from different-sized tiles set at different levels, and only given an illusory sense of smoothness and forward planning by millions upon millions of years of completely random erosion.

This, in the view of scientists and artisans involved in studying the images at Mars Science Laboratory, doesn’t really count as a ‘technique’.

“Leaving something that looks rubbish in the first place, until the elements have polished it to a sort of ancient and dignified relic-look, does not qualify as a valid artistic method,” said senior craquelure and pottery consultant Hope Rainbow Whimsypoop. “Of course we have to give full credence to the Ancient Martians for doing it first – they did this billions of years before our species walked the Earth – but ‘first’ doesn’t by any means imply ‘good’.

“The Ancient Romans crapped all over these guys, and they had alcohol and volcanoes to contend with,” she added.


While volcanic activity may have occurred contemporaneously with the creation of the shoddy mosaic work, so far none of the pictures of “boring-arse rocks” we’ve seen have shown any evidence of a grape-growing industry worth speaking of.

Technical analysts within Mars Science Laboratory were even less complimentary.

“My four-year-old could make a better mosaic than this, it’s basically been left entirely to chance. To be brutally honest, with planning and spatial awareness issues like these, it’s no wonder the Ancient Martians died out,” said Chad Mathington of NASA. “I mean, it’s easy to gloat because our planet hasn’t gone completely tits-up yet, but when it does you can rest assured we’re going to leave some goddamn beautiful artwork behind.”

Other scientists were eager to find a bright side in this disappointing discovery.

“Curiosity is basically a nuclear-powered RV that we sent over there to vaporise rocks with a laser beam and analyse the results, and when it runs out of juice our plan boils down to leaving it over there to shit up the place,” said Biff Dingus, Head of the Turning Mars Into Earth’s Overgrown Back Garden Full of Junk Department. “If we’d found anything on Mars that was remotely advanced, we would have been pretty much screwed.”

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy.
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3 Responses to Curiosity discovers evidence of crappy-mosaic-making life on Mars

  1. Aaron says:

    LOL. Awesome. This blog entry implies a dim view of certain types of modern art that I share. Pollack…Piss Christ (though I like the sentiment)…that thing where you get a paint enema and then blast the result onto a large canvas on the floor…naked people in a large group somewhere…. Yeah, I’m not buying it. Show some skill please, thanks. At the same time, hell maybe I could be a modern artist….

    • stchucky says:

      Hope Rainbow Whimsypoop is an amalgam of actual artists, art tutors and teachers I have known, but you remain my inspiration when it comes to the actual naming, sir.

      • Aaron says:

        Not sure if…. I must add that you *know* you have a problem in the skill department when “Hope Rainbow Whimsypoop” doesn’t think your art qualifies.

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