NASA’s Curiosity rover has found compelling evidence that the red planet once supported life-forms capable of making “pretty shit mosaic,” the Mars Science Laboratory found earlier this week.
The mosaic, estimated at 3.7 billion years old, was mismatched and poorly assembled, made from different-sized tiles set at different levels, and only given an illusory sense of smoothness and forward planning by millions upon millions of years of completely random erosion.
This, in the view of scientists and artisans involved in studying the images at Mars Science Laboratory, doesn’t really count as a ‘technique’.
“Leaving something that looks rubbish in the first place, until the elements have polished it to a sort of ancient and dignified relic-look, does not qualify as a valid artistic method,” said senior craquelure and pottery consultant Hope Rainbow Whimsypoop. “Of course we have to give full credence to the Ancient Martians for doing it first – they did this billions of years before our species walked the Earth – but ‘first’ doesn’t by any means imply ‘good’.
“The Ancient Romans crapped all over these guys, and they had alcohol and volcanoes to contend with,” she added.
While volcanic activity may have occurred contemporaneously with the creation of the shoddy mosaic work, so far none of the pictures of “boring-arse rocks” we’ve seen have shown any evidence of a grape-growing industry worth speaking of.
Technical analysts within Mars Science Laboratory were even less complimentary.
“My four-year-old could make a better mosaic than this, it’s basically been left entirely to chance. To be brutally honest, with planning and spatial awareness issues like these, it’s no wonder the Ancient Martians died out,” said Chad Mathington of NASA. “I mean, it’s easy to gloat because our planet hasn’t gone completely tits-up yet, but when it does you can rest assured we’re going to leave some goddamn beautiful artwork behind.”
Other scientists were eager to find a bright side in this disappointing discovery.
“Curiosity is basically a nuclear-powered RV that we sent over there to vaporise rocks with a laser beam and analyse the results, and when it runs out of juice our plan boils down to leaving it over there to shit up the place,” said Biff Dingus, Head of the Turning Mars Into Earth’s Overgrown Back Garden Full of Junk Department. “If we’d found anything on Mars that was remotely advanced, we would have been pretty much screwed.”