Did you know that, while Africa may be the birthplace of humanity, Western Australia is where the first life-forms came from? Also, they farted?

Oh yeah, that happened and it’s true. They found a fossil in November that was so old it basically told the fossils we previously thought were pretty old to get off its lawn. Here’s a slightly sensationalist article (that is still somewhat more scientific and grounded in facts than this blog entry), and if you want an even more sciencey corroboration, this one here is a complete poindexter. Anyway, I didn’t understand most of that but the gist of it is, 3,500 million years ago these big rafts of sludge got away from the volcanic vent ghetto (that’s actually a thing, don’t blame me) and learned to photosynthesise, and over time they formed these big slimy deposits that made a lot of sulphur and stuff.

But the main point we want to take away from this is that Western Australia is the birthplace of all terrestrial life. Heck, I knew about stromatolites already, they’re still around. I’ve seen them. I had a pet one for a while but it didn’t seem to be about to do anything, so I decided to put it back in the ocean for another five hundred million years or so, then check back on it (499,999,976 years to go on that one, by the way).

But the farting slime mats were around before that, just sort of cruising back and forth aimlessly, being smelly, all nostalgic for the vent they slipped out of.

And nothing much has changed since.


Yeah I know, that shit only gets found in places like Western Australia because it’s geologically stable and the fossils managed to survive in one piece, it doesn’t mean they weren’t all over the place and have just been destroyed everywhere else. It doesn’t mean everything came from Western Australia and it should be given due deference and props as the crucible in which all terrestrial life was formed. It was probably happening all over the place and much earlier and only just happened to get preserved in the sands of Western Australia, and besides, let’s not forget, it’s just gross pointless slime.

But on the other hand, shut up or I’ll fart three and a half billion years of evolution on your fucking face.

WA (2)

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
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3 Responses to F1rst

  1. dreameling says:

    A 30-something-year-old member of a 200,000-year-old upstart primate species takes credit for 3,480,000,000 years of evolution, all in the name of an arbitrarily demarcated territory established less than 200 years ago. The gall, man.

    (Seriously, though, abiogenesis and all that origin-of-life stuff is cool as hell.)

  2. aaronthepatriot says:

    So you guys had farting sludge before the rest of us can prove we had it? This does nothing to change the fact that USA #1 and Australia just wishes it could be just like daddy. As you well know. For better or worse.

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