Hatboy for President

After taking this quiz, I discovered that my literary alter ego is just, like, this guy (you know?):


Now these quizzes are silly, we all know this. When you go to the site to see whether you’re going to turn out to be something you can joke or boast about (and let’s face it, they’re not going to put many bad options in there, are they?), you add to their page counter and spread the word to your friends. And that’s cool. Good for them, it’s usually for a worthy cause.

Still, I did it and even though I don’t think I am much like Zaphod at all, I guess that’s where the questions led me. And I guess I can get carried away with myself and be a loudmouthed pain in the arse, especially while drinking. And I think there was a point to this blog entry before I started, but now I can’t remember what it was.

Oh yeah. If I was President of the Galaxy.

Man, it’d be great. Now, don’t get me wrong, it would suck for pretty much everyone else, unless they actually did implement the political system they had in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (and that we seem to be moving towards) where the President has no real power to do anything except be a celebrity and run around making people laugh. That might work, although – as I said – I think given that sort of brief I would get really annoying, really fast. Like Zaphod, in fact.

But if I actually had power to influence policy … perhaps I can illustrate this best with a random Facebook comment:

sharks (1)

This comment led to a fun debate that led inevitably to moral relativism of the “1 person a year killed by sharks vs. 100,000 people a year killed in Syria vs. 1,000,000 people a year killed by driving drunk” kind, which always reminds me of the “Mike Tyson vs. Anti-lock brakes” debates held at Moe’s Tavern on The Simpsons … where was I? Oh yeah, it was a fun debate and I only showed my lead-in, but the moral of the story is I generally don’t care about the bigger picture, fairness or even common sense. If I decide something needs to die, it’s just as well I don’t have the power to actually make that happen because there wouldn’t be a whole heck of a lot left alive after a bad day.

If I was President of the Galaxy, nobody would go anywhere. I have Opinions about people who drive, people who walk, people who fly and people who take public transport. And oh yeah, you’d better believe I have Opinions about people who ride bicycles.

bike (1)

See, I don’t even really want to make publicity for this cretin because now slightly more people are going to go and check his video out. But oh well. No, see, this guy’s a jackass.

First of all, he’s not wearing a helmet, so screw that guy. Instant wrong.

Secondly, we don’t know the full story here. If he was getting fined just for veering momentarily out of the lane to get around something, fair enough, the cop was out of line and there should be some leeway. If that was the case he would have said that was what was happening – he would have said it loudly and repeatedly. But the way he set this up, it’s pretty clear that he was being fined for consistently cycling somewhere he had no business being, where he was going to be an inconvenience (at best) to others. As over-entitled cyclists tend to be.

Thirdly, pavements are often obstructed. So are roads. That doesn’t mean pedestrians get to walk on the highway or motorists get to drive on the fucking sidewalk.

You have a special lane to be a self-righteous tool in, where you can revel in your not-a-motorist, not-a-pedestrian, all-freaking-special-an’-shit status. Count your blessings and shut the Hell up and fuck off while you’re doing it.

Whining shit, I wish they’d fined him more.

Anyway, like I say, I have Opinions about them all. I’d probably have Opinions about people who use faster-than-light spacecraft, and people who teleport. Actually, I already do. They’re wankers. See?

So just for a start, if I was President of the Galaxy, the Galaxy – or at least the citizenry thereof – would come to a grinding halt. And that would probably be for the best, because once people got to where they were going they’d start to see all the other crazy shit I’d passed into law.

No, it just wouldn’t work.

And that’s why Douglas Adams was a genius.

About Hatboy

I’m not often driven to introspection or reflection, but the question does come up sometimes. The big question. So big, there’s just no containing it within the puny boundaries of a single set of punctuationary bookends. Who are these mysterious and unsung heroes of obscurity and shadow? What is their origin story? Do they have a prequel trilogy? What are their secret identities? What are their public identities, for that matter? What are their powers? Their abilities? Their haunted pasts and troubled futures? Their modus operandi? Where do they live anyway, and when? What do they do for a living? Do they really have these fantastical adventures, or is it a dazzlingly intellectual and overwrought metaphor? Or is it perhaps a smug and post-modern sort of metaphor? Is it a plain stupid metaphor, hedged around with thick wads of plausible deniability, a soap bubble of illusory plot dependent upon readers who don’t dare question it for fear of looking foolish? A flight of fancy, having dozed off in front of the television during an episode of something suitably spaceship-oriented? Do they have a quest, a handler, a mission statement, a department-level development objective in five stages? I am Hatboy. https://hatboy.blog/2013/12/17/metalude-who-are-creepy-and-hatboy/
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8 Responses to Hatboy for President

  1. dreameling says:

    … Plus I cannot quite see you as Sam Rockwell. You rock a way better beard. (What, there’s a book?)

    I got Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. In the words of the current generation of kids, wtflol.

  2. George Smiley from Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Ok so whatever, I have no idea who that is or what that movie is about. I just know that I am right. Always.

    Good points about that biker douche. He’s old news but you nailed him perfectly. That’s exactly the problem with his approach and attitude.

    • stchucky says:

      The original movie (I think there has been a reboot recently) has the role played by Alec Guinness, so you can’t really fail. Alas, I have never read the book.

      The movie, at least, is about a retired / fired / disgraced spy (Smiley) being called back in to find a spy (a double-agent “bad” spy, that is, finding a normal spy in the Spying and Sneaking Department would be easy and probably not warrant Alec Guinness’s involvement) in his old department, from among the Good Ole Boys who were you know what? There’s an Internet on computers now, Imma stop trying to assemble this plot from memory.

    • dreameling says:

      The new movie has Gary Oldman as Smiley. Great movie, great character.

  3. stchucky says:

    Aaron, you’d rock a Zorg headbowl. Just sayin’. You could start a trend.

    • stchucky says:

      (I don’t care for WordPress’ “only one or two replies per post” structure, but I guess it helps prevent things getting too out of hand … just indents funny when you get too deep. I suppose I could always use the boxquote tags.)

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