AQUAMAN (a review)

Having looked forward to seeing this movie for a couple of years now, I was fortunate enough to watch it in IMAX 3D last night, in the company of our regular blockbuster-viewing nerd group and sitting next to my [absolutely probably within movie-viewing age restrictions]-year-old firstborn. As such, I was blessed to be able to watch this movie not just through my own rosy and low-standards lenses, but through the additional filter of an enthusiastic [absolutely probably within movie-viewing age restrictions]-year-old.

aquaman_1

I was trying to come up with some witty caption about how the Little Mermaid got tired of living with a nutjob Jack Sparrow-type and then I realised this was Amber Heard and it all just got way too real way too fast. Caption ends.

So, on with the review. Let’s start with the minuses, because as far as I’m concerned there weren’t many but they did affect my overall enjoyment of the movie.

First, and mainly, there was the script – and the writing in general. This sounds particularly bad but I’m not going to sit here and say it was terrible and I could have done better (this isn’t Geostorm). I mean, any old jerk can make tweaks to a story. But I really feel like this was DC’s chance to Ragnarok that shit, and they settled for adding a whole bunch of those anticlimax-chuckles that they really sort of bomb at. You know, there’s a dramatic / triumphant / revelatory buildup in the music and the character is about to do something pivotal … and then they just say “huh”, or drop something, or – in this case, which was at least mildly amusing – get blown up by a missile. I call it the dramatic build and sudden deflate.

Here, it’s irritating. It’s like they’re trying to copy Marvel’s style and throw Star Lord wit in there, but they can’t because Aquaman is not Star Lord and – bless him – Jason Momoa is not Chris Pratt. And DC’s witty one-liners and exchanges only very, very rarely hit the mark. There were one or two in this movie, and they were good … but there were at least six or seven clear misses. You know, like Superman and Batman doing the “I thought she was with you” joke despite the fact that Batman absolutely invited Wonder Woman to join them so there’s no way he would think she was with Superman. It was like a selection of scenes were given to a special one-liner writer and he or she was told to “just pepper in a few quips like Iron Man does” but he or she was not given the full script. So the lines just didn’t make sense in context.

And that’s another pretty big thing – not a problem in my case but still, a problem: DC has bet everything on Batman grimdark black and let it ride, and now it’s too late to change because they’ve got their house and their kids’ college fund on there and the whole thing is just about as overloaded as this metaphor. Anyway, my point is they can’t do Ragnarok, and about their best bet for comedy is the sort of spooky crazy-fuck comedy of the Joker and Harley. And they did that not-awfully in Suicide Squad, in my opinion – they just need to lean into it harder.

Their options for flamboyant campity are limited, but they could absolutely have used the “two worlds” fallacy of surface and sea to do it – and do it fantastically. Everything above ground (and inside human submarines, for example): grimdark. Everything under the sea: singing cultural-appropriation crabs[1], phosphorescent war-jellyfish and whatever shade of red hair is apparently running in Dolph Lundgren‘s family.

[1] Or in this case, a giant drum-solo octopus.

And Jason Momoa is the perfect straight-man comedic actor to pull off the merging of those two worlds. It could have been glorious.

JasonMomoaExtraSpirit1

And when I say he’s capable of comedy, I don’t just mean “being a huge stoic badass flung into hilariously inappropriate situations”. I mean whatever this is, too. Like I said, glorious.

So yeah, the writing and the overall mood of the movie were a bit all over the place, and in the writing’s case mostly a pretty crappy place. But I honestly don’t care about any of that because I can forgive a lot for something that’s just plain fun to watch. And Aquaman was.

Oh, and there were a couple of middle-of-the-road things that were kind of funny and irritating, but didn’t really bother me one way or another. Mostly to do with King Orm. Like:

Did they go out of their way to make him a multiple-generation Oedipal megacuck? Aquaman’s dad boinked his mum, and then Aquaman you can be fairly certain boinked the caviar out of his wife-to-be within eight minutes of Orm being led away by the guards at the end.

aquaman_3

Maybe five minutes.

Also, speaking of five to eight minutes, just once I would like to see a Very Important One-On-One Duel Scene which didn’t go on for an inordinate amount of time. I get it, they do swooshy things with their weapons of choice and they punch and kick each other into things and go “urrgh”. I absolutely do not give a fuck. I give aggressive negative fucks. At least in the bigger fight scenes there are more interesting variations. The duel trope is boring[2]. Just once, I’d like them to build up to the fight, exchange their insults and challenges, the fight starts – and then the hero immediately stabs or punches the villain’s head completely and literally off. Or kicks the villain in the crotch so hard the villain’s pelvis lodges in his or her brain. That would be one case where the dramatic build and sudden deflate would work nicely. Provided you didn’t do it as much elsewhere.

aquaman_5-ring-of-fire

[2] Except when the duel takes place in THE RING OF FIRE and it’s Willem Dafoe in the scene again and that shit was just goddamn hilarious and I think I was the only person in the cinema laughing and if DC had any sack – any sack at all – they would have referenced the fuck out of that. Heck, they could have then shouted back to it by Mera asking “you can speak whale?”
Also, that gif has a typo in its text.

Mrs. Hatboy suggested that the choreographers need something to do. I say, if the writers haven’t been given anything to do, why should the fucking choreographers? It even would have worked in terms of structure because Aquaman had two archenemies in this movie, so either Water Killmonger could have been one-shotted, or King Orm could have been, giving us a fun subverted expectation and clearing the decks for the main villain.

Oh well.

I liked a ton of stuff about the movie, though.

First and foremost, as an unabashed lover of BSTs and Hollywood schlock (and I freely acknowledge that this will be a drawback to many viewers), there was a lot to love here. The entire undersea kingdom was a feast for the eyes, if not quite on the level of Valerian then a solid Avatar. There were cool ships and cool creatures and a ton of both got blowed up.

The 3D was spectacular and very subtly done. Totally immersive (pun … okay, slightly intended). And Wump absolutely loved it, which was so fun to see. Lot of love for that.

I greatly enjoyed the lore and world-building, even if I’m having trouble seeing how it all makes sense with relation to what we’ve already seen of DC’s attempted expanded universe. I guess we just have to take it for granted that they haven’t thought this through very well and none of it will really match up. But it sure was fun to watch.

I loved the reveal when the not-by-any-means-a-kraken was talking to Aquaman / herself, and it turned out she didn’t realise he could understand her. That was really cool and clever.

Momoa, Heard, Dafoe and Morrison were great. Wilson and Abdul-Mateen had some really nice moments with their characters. Lundgren and Kidman didn’t seem to have much to play with, possibly because of their price tags but I really can’t see how that can be an issue anymore, they’ve definitely reached the point where they should be grateful to be cast, they ain’t neither of ’em Helen Mirren. I don’t mean that in an unkind way – they’re still great, but we ain’t none of us Helen Mirren. All I’m saying.

This was a fun night out for family and friends, and I would happily watch any additional Aquaman adventures, just as I will very happily watch further Wonder Woman adventures. Aquaman has taken (admittedly reasonably distant) second place to Wonder Woman at this point, in my lazy DC universe ranking system of “two movies that weren’t shit, and then all the rest which were kind of shit even though I didn’t actively hate them except all the Batman ones with goddamn ninjas in”.

I mean, let’s not kid ourselves, I’m probably also going to see any and every other big DC blockbuster that comes out, although hopefully I will still be able to ride relatively cheap into the IMAX cinema on Mr. Bloom’s coattails. It’s just that I’ll go and see Wonder Woman and Aquaman movies sober.

aquaman_4

Obligatory closing “Jason Momoa in flood of girl juice” picture.

– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while waiting for the bus.

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Christmas Threefer

Over the weekend I had two Christmas parties back-to-back, which was fun but exhausting (and let’s not even talk about the fact that I single-parented four kids on Sunday). The first was a work bash which was grand, and the second was the traditional Bar Äijä’s Christmas party for the roleplay group (with special guest appearance by birthday boy cousin-in-law Chris), which was equally grand.

At this latter party, we fired up the Bar Äijä’s Blu-ray player and put a selection of Christmas classics on in the background while we ate moose and cake. We wanted to put on Die Hard but I couldn’t seem to locate the 3-or-4-movie box I was sure we had, sometime. I need to stop lending shit to my jerkarse friends.

1. Jingle all the Way

This is very much a roleplayer group Christmas tradition by now, since Saila brings it every year and forces us to watch it. This touching prequel to True Lies before they changed the cast to include Jamie Lee Curtis and Eliza Dushku is full of laughs and sentimental moments. Like the moment Arnie punches a reindeer, and the moment when Phil Hartman hadn’t been murdered by his wife.

Merry Christmas.

What can one say about this movie? It was a more innocent time, when bomb threats were funny and Sinbad could have seventeen police handguns pointed at him without tragically acute suspension of disbelief. Before Star Wars Episode I ruined Jake Lloyd for everyone and Jim Belushis roamed the Earth[1]. A very silly movie, from the Turboman opening sequence on, and I honestly don’t know why we watch it. That’s traditions for you. I award Jingle All The Way an ill-conceived Terminator sequel out of a possible Terminator 2.

[1] Don’t worry, he still does roam the Earth last time I checked … but he did it more back in the ’90s.

 

2. Gremlins

This is, of course, the quintessential Christmas story before you even get into the brilliant “why I don’t like Christmas” anecdote from Phoebe Cates’s character. I must have seen this as soon as it was released on VHS because I can’t imagine I was allowed to go and see it in the cinema in 1984. It had a lasting effect on my sense of what a monster story should be all about.

Gremlins was far more of a straight-up horror movie (than its sequel) in the vein of Critters, although it didn’t explicitly state that the Mogwai were alien[1] – there’s hardly anything else Gizmo’s species could be. In fact it was probably from another universe altogether, where metabolism and the laws of conservation of matter didn’t operate the same way. I suppose the Gremlins did eat a lot, so they might have been able to support their water-based reproductive systems … but even so, there was considerable incompatibility between the orders of life.

[1] Although I seem to recall the Gremlins book of the movie had more Gizmo (and Stripe) point-of-view sections that went into his state of mind and talked about the fact that they were from somewhere else. Or I may just have invented that memory.

Another fun one, an ’80s classic as well as a Christmas classic. Gremlins (and of course their cute fuzzy larval state) have always been one of my favourite creatures. I mean ten of them. Three hundred of them. Five hundred thousand of them. STAHP.

stripe-gremlins

Good movie. A dousing in water, a solid feed after midnight, and a moderate-to-severe flashbulb trauma out of a possible Complete Kingston Falls Christmas Clusterfuck.

 

3. Gremlins 2

Because you can’t watch the first one without rocking straight into the sequel, we also put this one on. I’d remembered, in a vague sense, that this movie had the late great Christopher Lee in it, as well as Robert Picardo in it (and Robert Picardo’s late great hair!), because I had almost the entire set of Gremlins 2 trading cards when I was a kid. I still have them in my office somewhere. Gremlins was my baseball.

Gremlins 2 (The New Batch) was far more comedic and silly than the first movie. They just seemed to stop giving a shit about making a horror movie, and made it all about the Gremlins getting pulped and smashed and mutated into assorted dramatically un-scientific things because they injected themselves with stuff.

clamp-gremlins

What was Clamp even into? I mean, aside from inspiring my Synfoss logo twenty-five years later, and being Donald Trump (that’s something I missed the first few dozen times around), he had a Christopher Lee lab in his building.

Hilarity ensued, a smart talking Gremlin was interviewed, the smart talking Gremlin injected another Gremlin with light-resistance serum but then failed to either inject more Gremlins or throw a pot of water over the resistant one, Robert Picardo absolutely gave in to the feminine wiles of Lady Gremlina and got probably-sort-of-raped at the end of the movie, and most of the audience’s questions about what exactly “feeding after midnight” meant were lampshaded, if not answered. I’m still not entirely clear on why snow and soup didn’t count as water, but paint-brush-rinsing water and a swimming pool did. Oh well.

The Gremlins franchise is a couple of my favourites and while I would hesitate to say they held up well, they’re the sorts of movies that were sort of made to not hold up. They didn’t hold up on the day of their cinematic release, so they had nowhere to fall to. It’s just a lot of people running around screaming with rubber Gremlin dolls pinned to their faces and arms, and Christopher Lee basically looking direct to camera and saying “a paycheck’s a paycheck.”

And there’s apparently a sequel still in the works: “…a script was written by Chris Columbus. His script explored the idea that has been on the fans’ minds for a long time: “if all the gremlins come from getting Gizmo wet and feeding his mogwai offspring after midnight, should Gizmo be eliminated?” He described his script as “twisted and dark”.  Holy shit no kidding.

This ties nicely into my idea that a third movie would basically have to have Gizmo himself going Gremlin in order to defeat the other Gremlins … I would love to see a first-generation Mogwai transform. But there would be no going back and Gizmo would have to die. Or go home.

Also Clamp would be President.

I award Gremlins 2 a Gremlins 2 out of a possible Gremlins.

 


– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while on my way to see AQUAMAAAAAN WOOHOO

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Geostorm (a review)

Note: I will not be spoilertexting this review. If you don’t want to know what happens in this movie, then don’t read this post.

I should probably have listened to my man Mr. Bloom about this one, but I had nothing better to do while writing and drawing Christmas cards on Thursday night, and I saw that Geostorm had appeared on my Netflix list. So, deciding that I would quit and go to bed if I got even slightly sleepy, I decided to give this a roll.

I feel I owe Soldier an apology. Compared to Geostorm, Soldier was not contrived at all. In fact, compared to Geostorm, Soldier was an account of an entirely credible series of naturally-unfolding events rich in compelling narrative drama and that dash of chaotic randomness that every truly great story needs.

Why. Just … why.

geostorm(1)

In the picture above, (1) represents the people who have so far escaped watching Geostorm; (2) represents me; (3) represents my lifelong love of CGI disaster spectaculars, which has carried me into this shitty situation and is now trying in vain to shelter me; and (4) is The Suck.

Maybe the best way I can complain about this movie is by starting with the tagline in the poster above. It seems to be suggesting that it’s referring to our hubris in attempting to control the weather – weather that ultimately built up and broke free of our control, Jurassic Park franchise-style, and brought disaster down on our heads.

But no. Actually, the Dutch Boy satellite network and the whole human weather control concept would have worked perfectly, if it hadn’t been for a bunch of stupid psychotic cunts (or possibly even single cunt) who decided to use the system to destroy ninety percent of the world[1] before they were forced to hand it over to enlightened international oversight[2]. The whole thing worked exactly as goddamn advertised and at the end of the movie they were rebuilding the fucking thing so no, that’s not what was happening in the movie. Maybe the tagline is referring to the US’s foreign policy. That actually makes a lot more sense.

[1] I believe the actual phrase was “all of our enemies”, but this phrase was spoken by a USian military representative so I guess I’m rounding down.

[2] Actually I may be misrepresenting how Jurassic Park went bad too. Would everything have been basically fine in the original movie if Nedry hadn’t sabotaged the park for reasons of greed? I think it would. I think the storm wouldn’t have been a problem, although it was a doozy of a storm. I don’t remember how the rest of the movies went bad but let’s just say it was all because their plots were spliced together with Michael Crichton DNA.

What an irretrievably shambolic movie this was. Not even the disaster effects were enough to save it, mostly because they were pretty lame by this decade’s standards. I’m pretty sure we know by now that skyscrapers don’t fall down like dominoes. Japan doesn’t need to be hammered with giant hail every time. Some of it was fun to see but there was nothing new and most of it just sucked.

How can you go wrong with a plot involving a huge machine that can protect the Earth from climate-change-induced extreme weather? Here’s a synopsis idea just off the top of my head after thinking about it for literally three minutes:

Little girl narrator voice: “Earth’s weather was killing us. It was too late to reverse the damage we’d done by cleaning up our emissions, so we did something more extreme, just to give ourselves the time we needed.

“We built this huge stupid satellite system, and we even called it Dutch Boy because we were acknowledging that it was a temporary solution at best.

“Then we did what we always do with extinction-level shit, which is dust off our hands and declare the crisis over because the weather improved. We didn’t take any further steps because there was no money in it.

“But – as per the entirely accurate tagline of this movie – some things were never meant to be controlled. Dutch Boy was a stopgap solution.”

Roll credits.

Plot points quickly make it obvious that behind the immediate ameliorating effects of the satellite system, the planet’s climate – a system simply too vast for us to do anything about – is still getting worse. Every time we smother a tidal wave or Sharnado a hurricane, the underlying forces are still building up.

Jake Lawson, the designer of Dutch Boy, knows this but finally got tired of trying to tell everyone about it, and – because he was absolutely fucking world famous and wealthy beyond his wildest dreams after saving the world – descended into absolute decadence because he saw extinction approaching. He’s lost his family because he is a shitty cynical drunk who thinks we deserve to die (and isn’t actually wrong). Also, we don’t need to have any of those scenes where people don’t know who he is, because those were fucking retarded even in the retarded version of the movie that actually got made.

The subsystems of Dutch Boy finally begin to give way, one at a time causing the escalating and cycling series of mega-disasters we love so much. The Statue of Liberty is blasted into the stratosphere by a megacyclone and it lands on the Golden Gate Bridge, automatically making my version of the movie a billion percent better than the original.

Lawson hatches a desperate plan to fix things, and relates it to the “little Dutch boy” story in some way – either by adding more fingers, or fixing the dike, or lowering the water level to underneath the crack, or some other metaphorical Star Trekesque simplification. Maybe they added nukes to turn Dutch Boy into Dutch Man. Or Dutch from Predator. I don’t know. Something, anyway.

Lawson, having fixed things back to the level they were at in the beginning of the movie, and possibly undergoing some sort of character development that makes him think that maybe we don’t deserve to go extinct (you could link it to his kid and hope for the future, if you want to be really sappy and clichéd about it and I know you do), then realises that there was some sort of long-term plan to reverse climate change but that a group of oligarchs keep torpedoing it because it makes them wealthier in the short term to have the world under threat of disaster. Or something like that but not quite so “Shield Corporation”, I could come up with something if you gave me another three minutes.

The chief oligarch tells Lawson “this is America” and Lawson yells “THIS IS EEEAAARTH!” and uses Dutch Boy to pound the oligarchs’ secure bunker to frozen slag using every natural disaster available in the Dutch Boy climate buffers or whatever, providing a nice book-end to the idea that there are some things we were never meant to control, in this case the rich not being able to protect themselves from the planet’s fury by using money.

Gerard Butler would probably refuse to do the line but we could give it to Zazie Beetz instead since I’m 96% sure there was a line she had that Reynolds used in Deadpool 2 so the fourth wall is already gone. Damn it I can’t remember what the line was now but it was just about the only highlight of this facebound turd of a movie. I award it with a two, out of a possible … anything, really. But more than eight, whatever it is.

Ugh, I’m done. Fucking call me, Hollywood. You need me.

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Soldier (a review)

A couple of days ago I was looking for something to watch on Netflix, having finished the latest run of series and having experienced a sudden death of the family blu-ray player halfway through Taboo. I stumbled on Soldier, which Mrs. Hatboy had added to our list because it looked like the cheesiest action sci-fi ever.

kurt_russell_soldier

Spoiler: It did not disappoint on any level.

So, while I am still wondering whether I want to link this up to the Stargate or the Escape From franchises, I will say that it was a rich full evening’s entertainment and cultural enrichment. I am of course lying but it was still funny.

Soldier delivers pretty much exactly what it says on the box. The year is 2036, or eighteen years from now, and super soldiers bred and trained in 1996 are now forty years old and obsolete. A new breed of super soldier is making them all look bad, and Gary Busey is the crusty old sentimental mass-murdering war criminal the hard-nosed general trying to keep his soldiers in action. He fails, the soldiers are put on retirement maintenance duty, and Kurt Russell (assumed dead) is taken to a garbage planet.

Let’s just pause for a moment to enjoy the idea of a garbage planet. Such a wonderful resources-to-benefit ratio. And the sheer reusability of some of that stuff on Wall-E Earth Waterworld Absolom Fiorina 161 Arcadia 234, absolutely worth the effort of transporting it there rather than using it for other stuff. Let’s also keep in mind at this point that we have missed the Back to the Future franchise future by a significant margin, and now have 18 years to achieve the Soldier future. Complete with interplanetary, possibly even intergalactic colonisation. No pressure.

Anyway, what we end up with is a hilariously contrived Rambo / Terminator / Predator / Demolition Man plot where the evil modern soldiers go trainin’ on the garbage planet completely randomly and decide to destroy the peaceful villagers who live there for some inane reason, and Kurt Russell (who got creamed even with a three-to-one advantage against a single v2.0 soldier) taking on the entire division of twenty. I won’t spoil it by telling you how it plays out, but it neither surprised nor disappointed.

The main questions I was left with at the end of the movie were: How can a test run of a set of next-generation super soldiers go so hysterically wrong (you’ll know what I mean if you watch this movie, I mean how does it get to the point where the commanders of these two absolutely-disciplined groups of soldiers had no recourse but to leave a counting-down nuke on the planet and try to run away, not to mention one of them having to shoot the other)? And what is the point of breeding and training super soldiers who will shoot through a civilian to kill a hostile? At that point, why are you fighting a ground war instead of bombing the fuck out of the place from low orbit? Oh right, because USA. I forgot.

This in turn raises another somewhat meta-question, which is: What is it in the USian cultural psyche that results in stories like this over and over again? This sentimental clinging to the old in the face of the modern upgrade, even when it’s murderous super soldiers? This insistence that War is Hell, but soldierin’ is noble as fuck and cool as shit? Just for another example, a while ago we watched Battleships – and what happened in that one? Everything went to shit but then a bunch of old crusty veterans in an old crusty veteran ship saved the day rather than all simultaneously falling and breaking a hip (and I include the ship in that). It’s just so fucking cheesy.

Look, I don’t want to get into it too much. And I certainly don’t intend this as a slight against the military and this was just a fun action movie that isn’t exactly a load-bearing construction. In fact, if anything, I approve of the idea of an elite soldier whose murderous ability is tempered with experience, wisdom, and humanity (for various definitions thereof), and a military leadership that would place value (both tactical and emotional) on those characteristics. In fact, you could say my latest novel explores the precise theme of “outmoded engineered super soldiers with heart,” so that’s why this struck a chord with me. I just found the whole conflict of the movie to be fascinating in its unselfconscious schizophrenia.

Still, a lot of fun. I mean, you should have figured that out already when I described it as a hilariously contrived Rambo / Terminator / Predator / Demolition Man plot just now, but let me spell it out for you. The movie itself was made in 1998, which now I think about it is pretty old and yet nowhere near as old as this movie looked with its 80s motifs. It’s very easy to forget that 1998 was quite a long time ago.

Soldier was in the trough between waves. It came too early to make it as a nostalgia throwback, and too late to join its true peers. But there it is. I give this six and a half litres of bicep oil out of a possible Dylan You Son Of A Bitch.

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Lillo

Last night, my dear irascible old grandma-in-law, Gunvor “Lillo” Helenius, passed away.

This was not unexpected, as she had cruised past ninety years of age – in the style of one of the last remaining true Finnish-Swedish matriarchs – some time ago, sitting surrounded by her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren … and had recently fallen ill. Even so, it was an unhappy shock.

Lillo and her siblings have been an institution of my adopted extended Finnish family ever since my arrival here. I never knew there could be so many cousins and second-cousins in the world, but it has always been enormously fun and greatly comforting to be a part of it. That, of course, isn’t going to go away, ever – but with Lillo’s passing, I can’t help but feel as if one of the great foundation stones has vanished.

I expect, however, that the new stones we’ve been laying over the past 10-20 years will be more than strong enough to take on the job.

Lillo never spoke English with me, so for the first few years we communicated mostly through pantomime and raising schnapps glasses to one another in toasts. She didn’t speak much Finnish either, but when I started to learn she was good enough to show willing and meet me halfway. In the final few years, I was even able to stumble through the occasional phrase in Swedish for her.

She was always there. Lillo and her sisters provided most of the catering for my wedding (not to mention providing the overwhelming majority of the guests, one way or another). They provided the goods for my 30th birthday party. The traditional Finnish-Swedish rapu bileet[1] never failed to raise the roof. She enjoyed life, and the stories I’ve heard about her childhood and youth never failed to fascinate me.

[1] I never was quite clear on whether jokirapu are a type of freshwater crayfish, or a crab, or some variety of marron or yabby. Whatever they are, they’re delicious.

Thank you for all the good times, and thank you for bringing this wonderful family into being. You were greatly loved, and greatly respected. Your departure leaves a hole in our lives that will never again be filled – but I don’t think it’s supposed to be. Your presence has been replaced by memories, and those aren’t going anywhere.

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Speaking of things that are apparently a thing … this is a thing

It looks like Sonic the Hedgehog is actually getting a live-action movie. At least, there’s a lot of stuff on IMDB, Wikipedia and so on about it, so … it is probably happening because we are living in a world where it would happen?

sonic-movie-poster-high-res

There’s a poster. It’s not as disturbing as some of the stuff you find when you go down the Sonic the Hedgehog Internet Rabbit Hole, but it’s pretty weird.

I like that it’s by the producers of The Fast and the Furious, even if that’s just a joke. It promises adrenaline-fuelled hijinks and cool visuals. I’m picturing something more like Detective Pikachu / Who Framed Roger Rabbit than Super Mario Brothers (although the latter was by no means a bad movie). And Jim Carrey is playing Robotnik…

Look, people.

I don’t know what to say about this. I just don’t. I just said the words “Detective Pikachu”.

Let’s keep it real. Few kids and teenagers will have played more Sonic the Hedgehog / Sonic the Hedgehog 2 than I did. And I know that’s a bold claim, but it was my console jam through pretty much the entire 1990s. I may have wandered away by the time Sonic 3 and Sonic & Knuckles hit the stores, but I played a lot of this psychedelic hypertension-causing crap. And it was fun. I should be either excited or horrified by this development, or both. But the best I can manage is a sort of vague amusement.

Am I worried a movie, however nightmarish, is going to Ruin My Childhood™? No. I’m not that sort of idiot. I didn’t love the game, didn’t obsess over it. I just … played it a goddamn ton. It was fun. And frustrating. And oh, so very pointless. Like all games, really. But sometimes pointlessness is the key, isn’t it?

Let’s just not lose sight of the main issue here, which is that a Sonic the Hedgehog movie brings all of us rough beasts one slouching step closer to a live-action Toejam & Earl movie.

– Posted from my Huawei mobile phone while on the bus.

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Bonus post: Once Upon A Deadpool

This actually seems to be happening and I’m very sad it won’t be making it to Finnish cinemas. As my old chum Mr. Bloom likes to say, it’s as though cinema owners don’t know what will sell tickets.

Not only is the idea of a PG-13 rated variant of this movie delightful (aside from a single moderate-to-acute disappointment about the musical choices in the Super Duper Cut, I loved that too), but they also do a nice unintentional shout-out to the band I’ve made very similar remarks about in the past. It’s nice to see Deadpool and I see mask-to-mask on this poor much-maligned musical phenomenon.

It’s also a very clever piece of meta-art that points at such things as comic book (cover) variants, which we have also talked about at wonderful length in the past. Wonderful, wonderful length. Wonderful.

Spider-woman presents ... a new comic book adventure. What?

Where was I? Oh yes. Wonderful.
The Zoologically Accurate Spider-Man, issue #4,200,000,077.
And it culminated in this gem.

What could be more of a loving tribute to comic books, not to mention a never-before-attempted take on movie adaptations, than a variant of a comic book movie?

I will be buying the ever-loving shit out of this movie on Blu-ray when it hits stores. But that should surprise precisely no-one.

– Still on bus.

Posted in Hatboy's Movie Extravaganza, Kussa mun hopoti? | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments